Welcome to the Baby wants its bottle podcast, my names martin Anton smith a New Zealand based creative and this is my podcast. 

In this episode : I read a skit comedy I wrote about a year ago, when the uk parliament was going through much parliamentary perturbations regarding the brokering of a “Brexit deal” in the wake of parliament being unable to reach an accord after many attempts, it was put forward by Boris Johnson that Parliament be dissolved, in an effort to shake the minds of MPs and so result in a better outcome, a suitable deal everyone could live with. This sketch comedy is a fictitious account of a conversation between British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and the Queen, in private at Buckingham Palace.  

Queen,: well it might for you, but I’ve been on this throne 70 years and my family a thousand, we must be doing something right!

Boris,: that is true marm, I am but a porky worm , feasting on rotten eggs , living in a rubbish heap in a rich mans garden at the end of the day. 

Queen,: Well There’s nothing wrong with British eggs sonny boy – count yourself a very lucky fat worm! 

Boris,: Oh of course marm! I am the luckiest fattest worm to have ever graced the opulent lodgings at 10 Downing Street! And that includes my hero Churchill! 

Queen,: oh yes him, we was quite mad from 1940 on you know. 

Boris,: Yes and as such, so am I – for I model myself on Churchill circa 1940 – that also means I am a crackpot. 

Queen,: Yes But Churchill earned his striven fought in the Boar War you know!

Boris,: Really? My comic books never told that story! And look at me, Ive never been to war, I’ve only eaten a boar ! Wow that’s actually a good rhyme to describe my Prime Ministership! “He’s never been to War but he’s eaten many a boar! 

Queen,: Well that would be a good description. 

Boris,: Yes marm I’m a porky fool, but alas my giant ego and lack of real skills marked me out to be a politician at an early age, I wore a suit from age ten and was very very hated by all and sundry! 

Queen,: Well you are well qualified to be a modern PM then – a total dope with a chip on his shoulder!

Boris,: What’s that, did you say you have chips! I love chips, wavy ones, shoestring ones, hand cut ones, and of course lots of salt and HP sauce – all wrapped up in newspaper full of articles about  glorious glorious me! 

Queen,: ok you’ve outstayed your welcome, I’ve put up with Phillip for 70 years but twenty minutes with a buffoon like you is too much – now take you leave of your absence immediately and don’t get your grubby little chocolatie hands on my big brass knobs. 

Boris,: Wouldn’t dream of it marm, I wouldn’t waste chocolate like that! I can lick them clean! 

Queen,: Out ! Out! Out! You overgrown prep school Man boy!

Boris,: Yes sir marm! 

(Narrator : Boris scurries out the door leaving chocolate stains on the queens big brass knobs, and leaving a trail of sweet wrappers in his trail, the Queen lets out a very regal but dispirited sigh and wishes that Boris Johnson would be literally dissolved, along with the Brexit addled Parliament. The Queen now ends  with a soliloquy). 

 

Queen,: he’s gone finally!  of course, this Brexit fiasco was planned all along. You see, with forty years of rampant free trade from the eu, we had long sold the English working class down the road – we had too! By the early 1970s this country and industry was at a standstill, unions had strangled the chances for capitalists to thrive and be profitable. We had to squash this uprising, and put the unions and the lazy overpaid working class back in its place. In fact we destroyed the unions, and we pushed the worker out the door and replaced. Him with cheap , reliable , efficient, non unionised  European Union workers . Joining the EU allowed the large capitalist to thrive, and the social structure of the English nation to continue. Of course this was working well until the Great Finacial Crisis and it’s aftermath pushed the working and middle classes to critical dispair – people were getting angry, rebellious.  So I had two options a) let this discontent fester, and risk it spilling over into attacks on the remaining aristocratic and corporate elites, or b) find a way to take the steam out of the fiercely upset potential rebellion, the working and middle classes. Clearly B was the right option. So we put in place a charade in which the unwitting public would get swept up in. We would set in motion the false idea that the people would chose their destiny in a referendum to either leave the EU. Or remain in. Of course the referendum was timed for when our internal polling showed a win for “leave” would undoubtedly occur. The reason we wanted a “leave” vote was that this act would make the masses feel their voices of dissatisfaction had been heard. From that point there could be years of televised two-ing and fro-ing between the EU parliament in Brussels and the UK parliament – of course this was all theatre, but it would further drain the emotions and most importantly the energy of anger off the public, and dissipate it into nothingness. At that point, with the public weary and on its knees, a sudden agreement of a “Deal” would emerge. The “Deal” would be sold as the fruit that would satisfy of the masses discontent , but was of course new more pro capitalist and pro aristocracy version of status quo that had emerged from 1973 when Britain joined the EU.  Of course the final outcome had been arranged long before behind closed doors with the real power brokers , me and my aristocratic friends over Europe and of course corporate Europe. All in all it worked perfectly ! I couldn’t be happier – we have things better that ever, free reign to continue with cheap, reliable labour from all over Europe, and not a union in sight! The profits and tax revenues And. Production will continue to flow and a potential revolution squashed for at least a generation. A fine swindle, don’t you think.?