“The Physicist and the Student” a skit comedy, created in 2020 by Martin Anton Smith, a New Zealand based Creative

Background, a student is rushing through a university town, as he running late for an appointment for a job interview, he stops asks the time of citizen on the street, who unbeknown to the young man, just happens to be a Physicist, who is on the way to his lab.

Student: What time is it?
Physicist: That depends
Student: On what?
Physicist: Well, your relative motion for one
Student,: You fool, were standing next to each other
Physicist: yes but you were running toward me before, while I was walking – I must know your average speed up until now, relative to the ground, I will do the same for myself, and then I can the two times
Student: What? Two times? What do you mean man? Oh I’m gonna be so late….
Physicist: As Einstein said – times relative, so there’s a time for you and a time for me – so what’s your average speed, relative to the ground?
Student: Look man! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I left my home in St Kilda 3 minutes ago, and that’s about 1 Mile away, now please tell me the time!
Physicist: ok ok don’t spin the telescope! Will you please use the metric system, us scientist all use the metric system …we need meters per second, not miles per minute – just as well I’m great at maths, I will do the necessary conversions
Student: Thank god! Now please hurry – I’m still late you know!
Physicist: God? Oh my dear boy there is no God- it’s all a cosmic quantum generated random event…anyway…ok ok I know your average speed now
Student: Finally! So what time is it?
Physicist: Oh wait, I forgot there’s something else…
Student: What is it now? Oh man I’m not gonna get this job I can feel it…
Physicist: Well Einstein also said Time is also relative to a gravitational field…..you don’t live in a high-rise apartment or in an underground bunker, do you? Because I live in a detached house, my gravity is pretty much middle-class gravity.
Student: I live on the 5th Floor of my building ok, now hurry please!
Physicist: (he takes out his notepad and mumbles to himself, as he makes his calculations) ok ok , so in terms of velocity, I calculate that your time is 3 Pico Pico Pico seconds slower than mine, and my time is 5 past two – so your time is 3 Pico Pico pi seconds less than that
Student: (speaking sarcastic tones,) Oh that’s a relief, I was worried about that, I really was if you were only two Pico seconds different, I’d be really really worried!
Physicist: Hey don’t get ahead of yourself, I haven’t given you the gravitational component yet!
Student: (speaking in resignation, )oh man ! please just give it to me!
Physicist: Ok Ok ok , Einstein said that clocks in a higher gravitational field move slower that those in lower fields – so you live A high rise so you gravitational field is lower than mine, so you clock moves faster than mine by 3pico Pico, Pico seconds….so amazingly that cancels out to mean between gravity and speed, our clocks completely agree
Student: It’s a miracle! I feel blessed!
Physicist: No Miricle silly, just good science my boy.
Student: ok ok ok, that’s good, so what time is it?
Physicist: oh it’s two thirty.
Student: Oh great! I’ve still got time!
Physicist: Don’t be so sure
Student: What? But you’ve just confirmed the exact time to me scientifically!
Physicist: well yes, but I always set my watch forward 15 minutes backwards, so it’s really actually two forty-five, in my frame of reference, of course. I do this because I prefer to be late for appointments you see, don’t ask why – it’s just a ‘physicist thing’.
Student: oh that means I’m late, I knew it!
Physicist: Oh your late, that’s great! It will show your not over eager, and if it’s a physicist your meeting you’ll be right on time! Who are you meeting?
Student: (scratches his chin in thoughtfulness) Oh that’s True…, it’s an interview for a lab assistant at Blackbody University, the guys name is ….(he looks down at his notes he is holding in His hand), Dr Cyril P Lightyear
Physicist: Why that’s me! I had forgotten about that job applicant, thank god you stopped me!
Student: wait a minute….I thought you said God didn’t exist?
Physicist: Just a figure of speech my boy! I can tell your up for the job, I’ll hire you on the spot, by Jupiter! now when can you start?
Student: That depends on Einstein’s special and general theory of relativity, sir – shouldn’t you of all people know that!

Physicist,: Yes my boy, you’ll do well in this job, your as quick witted as Richard Feynman, who by the way brazenly stole my secretary in 86! 

Student: I hope he didn’t steal your theories too? 

Physicist: Well yes he did, my silly secretary told him my theory of Quantum Electrodynamics, I asked her why she did that and she said something about big eyes and smooth pillow talk!

Student: Don’t worry doc , Fame, Money, Science Groupies, and respect of your peers are probably greatly overrated anyway – and you will always know what you created.

Physicist: True, I’d rather be a small virtuous, scruffy little known physicist on the  outer rim of the Milky Way, than some grandstanding pompadour with his head some stolen clouds any day!

Student: I believe in you sir !

Physicist: now all this science talk is making me hungry, would you care to join me for a meal at the faculty cafeteria? We can talk about your first day on the job as my forever faithful assistant.

Student: Sure, what’s the name of this joint?

Physicist: it’s called, “I’m starving in a donut shaped universe, so let’s all eat” 

Student: You Physicists have a great sense of humour, sir.

Physicist: Quite true, we are generally funny, messy and smart. Just ask my friend Alan Guth!

Student: oh yeah, that’s right, Alan Guth was the Physicist who won the “messiest ever office” award didn’t he?

Physicist: Yes, though it was very close between him and Einstein, it all came down to a single mouse dropping, would you believe?

Student: I don’t doubt it, but I hope that you are not that messy sir!

Physicist: Don’t worry the mice are mostly eaten by the 7 stray cats – I call them “Schrodinger’s, Mouse, Service”, they do a stand-up job, even though they are all, quantum mechanically speaking, half dead, half alive and living in a box. 

Student: and on that beautiful life moment sir Cyril P Lightyear, let’s eat. 

Physicist: Sure, let’s do it, but wait I never got your name…?

Student: oh my parents were also Physicists, so I was named after the “second law of thermodynamics”, and my given names are “Maximilian Disorder” 

Physicist: Well, I feel your pain, being called “Cyril P Lightyear” wasn’t much fun in school either! But at least no one found out my middle name! 

Student: what is it sir? Is it Photon? Is it Pauli? Is it Plasma?

Physicist: Plank, it was Plank – how terrible that would be , Cyril Plank Lightyear! What a name! 

Student: Speaking of weird physicist names, don’t you think it was weird you had your secretary stolen and seduced, by Richard Feynman, – as in Dick, Fine, Man? I mean the irony! 

Physicist: Yes, I am well aware of the irony, I think this is proof we are living in a simulation, you know we Physicists take that conjecture very seriously these days, in fact most of us believe it’s true. For If there is life out there, they are more likely to be intelligent, and so would create virtual universes in simulations and these would far outweigh the organic real home-grown Big Bang type universes. 

Student: (he says speaking worriedly) WOW my heads spinning! We can’t be a simulation! What about Plato? What about cognitions ergo sum, you know, “I think therefore I am”. 

Physicist: Oh no dear boy, your living in the past we modern Physicists have updated that dictum of Plato’s – well-meaning though it was. 

Student: Go on, continue, do tell, enlighten me, 

Physicist: we now say this 

student: Yes! yes! yes!

Physicist: “I think I think, but those odds are wildly improbable , Therefore, I am, a simulation 

Student: Plato’s motto was way more catchy 

Physicist,: Touché Touché – now  let’s go get a “ Plate , O , Donuts”  at the faculty cafe – my simulated brain is sugar low…and soon I will be called “Cyril Plank  Pass out” 

Student: (says somewhat sarcastically) Ok Ok ok ok ok sir, I agree with you – we must eat a big plate of donuts I.e. we must selfishly and maximally increase the entire universes entropy, send it hurtling towards a state Maximum Disorder, and so quicken the heat death of the universe, all so to to stop the rumbling tummies of a couple of space cadets like us, that aren’t even real in the first place! – GOTCHA sir, makes perfect sense!   

Physicist: My God, You’re brilliant! These Simulated Universe Destroying Falsely Delicious Donuts are on me! 

Student: , GULP!!

 

End scene.