Hi, I’m Martin Anton Smith, Welcome to the “Baby wants his bottle poetry podcast inc” . In this episode I tell a short story I started a couple of months ago, and finished tonight. It’s a morbid twisted love story with hopefully a few laughs in the mix. So let’s begin!

she dumped him because she looked at him, then looked at her Dildo, did a perfunctory cost-benefit analysis, and decided he came up short. She swiftly packed his bags and put them outside the front door. waiting for him to arrive from work. she didn’t want to be there when he was opening the door. That would be far to stressful. 

She called her Gaggle of girlfriends, most of who she dispised. They would all meet at a far away bar and would celebrate her “heroic” decision to ditch her bloke for a dildo. She would have a wild freedom celebrating time, spend the night drinking Cosmopolitans and writing a multi authored blog piece called “My Dildo Won A War Of Love Vs My Husband – Should you do the same?”

Meanwhile her husband Pat Tiberius Eggins (yes that’s his real name) was driving home in his noisy weatherbeaten classic VW. He was looking forward to seeing his wife Olga – he’d had a bad day at work as so his PA had booked his “sales Meeting with a Prospective Client” at some weird cocktail bar quite far away from his house – of course the “sales meeting” was a ruse ….he’d meet his mistress, Ms Penny Drop. 

The bar his PA had booked for his “false business meeting” but in reality a sneaky affair rendezvous had a very weird name – “KickTheCan” . But strangely the more he said it overin his head , the more it appealed..kick the can, kick the can, kick the can….he laughed when he realised how great the name was, for it so perfectly described his love life with Olga – he had fallen out of love with her years ago, and was too weak/comfortable to break up with that woman called his wife, or as he more creatively called her to his buddies – “the nice but boring lady that makes me clean”. 

He was just gonna Go home brush his teeth shower get changed and tell Olga he couldn’t eat her (badly inedible) macaroni cheese, as a “late sales ” appointment had been booked and he couldn’t break it with such a big client – “Dreamscape AI Holidays VR”. He practised feigning regret…

meanwhile Olga was living it up at the out of the way bar – her friends were well on their way, and loving the nights frivolity they were calling out loudly and true to form had already made a waitress cry!  What’s this place called Suzzanne? oh its called “kick the Can” – or maybe tonight we should call it “Pat the Cat” in honour of your inattentive husband! they all roared and cackled like the witches they were, so loudly they even forced half the other customers to leave.  Of course, this was a victory for Olga’s mean spirited friends – they loved to destroy. 

Meanwhile Pat was in the driveway of the bar, he was waiting for Penny Drop to roll up – he wanted to walk in with her – she was a stunner with long black hair, a curvaceous figure and a killer smile, topped of with sparkling green eyes. She rolled up parked and they embraced warmly. It’s great to see you pat, Penny said with intention. Pat kissed her sweetly and said “ let’s eat drink and be merry” to which penny said “who’s Mary”, she had a dry sense of humour which he adored. 

Meanwhile Olga and her mean friends’ evil plan was being hatched. The plan was  to take over the world via a Giant, Giant Dildo empire, and exterminate all males (including husband Pat) . Lab grown females would be born via Artificial semen, that only created the female zygote when reacting with the ovum. Of course before this technical feat, all the men would have to be killed in approximate “caveman style” first. 

Olga and her army’s plan was to create a false amway type sales company,  that would advertise to hire women legitimately for jobs. When the women agreed to attend the job interview then they would simply hypnotise them so they would become an unwitting hitman. They would be programmed to kill upon their husbands coming home from work, turning on the tv and opening a beer. The trigger would be when the wife hears the husband first break wind, after sitting and relaxing with a beer. It was a fail safe plan, every man drinks beer and breaks wind and watches tv. In this process, upon hearing the butt clap, The mind controlled woman’s eyes would glaze over, as the implanted  hypnotic suggestions kicked in. In this trance, without thinking she would get up, go to the fridge, take a beer out, uncap it, go to the garage, put antifreeze in it, then she would offer it to her flatulent tv watching husband, he would gulp it down, fart a few times and expire forever.

 Through this method Olga and her nasty friends could eradicate all the adult males in the world – it was only a matter of time and marketing. Olga and her mean buddies were over the moon, they had the perfect plan for happiness, , the “no more man plan” as they dubbed it. They made a toast to “female empowerment and the no man plan coming to fruition” then they laughed maniacally, like the witches they clearly were. 

 Meanwhile Pat and Penny were having a drink, he a Budweiser, her, a Long Island tea …they were in mid conversation talking about who was their favourite Simpsons characters, when they heard a horrible mean laughter from across the bar, when they looked over they were horrified to see his wife Olga was there with her friends! They composed themselves and tried to avoid being sprung by making a bee line for the pub’s back door. 

Meanwhile Olga saw something out of the corner of her eye …she noticed the unique sequinned jacket she had bought Pat flash out the back door of the pub…she thought, was that my husband Pat?…she got up and rushed to find out…she made it out the door, and saw pat and some woman walk towards their cars…..STOP! Pat!, She yelled. Both of them stopped, they knew they’d have to face the music now. Olga had clicked immediately that Pat had been romantically linked with this leggy pretty woman, her woman’s intuition never failed her. “Who the shit is this bitch you bastard! She started slapping him. Penny meanwhile just looked at her feet trying to avoid the situation – as was her nature. Look Olga, said Pat assertively, this is Penny, and I’m with her – i’ll tell it to you straight, I’m bored with you that’s why I’m cheating on you with Penny. I’m sick of you getting up at 7:01 am like clockwork, even on weekends. I’m sick of you cooking the same meals on the same days decade after decade. I’m sick of you laughing at the same dopey opening monologue of Stephen Colbert from the late show. I’m sick of your Pilates obsession. I’m sick of your stifled internal sneezes. In short I’m just plain bored and tired, and I’m finally kicking this can down the road, YOUR FIRED! 

Olga was gobsmacked, this was the first time she’d seen Pat stick up for himself – what could she do? She’d already decided to phase him out, and she’d just been hugely embarrassed in the worst way possible in front of “the other woman”. She did all she could do, become internally furious, keep a stiff upper lip and go back into the bar, go back to the witches and resolve to continue the plan – to exterminate all adult males and replace their pleasure providing features  with giant dildos. The plan would stay intact – she was stubborn and now had nothing to really lose anyway…as she skulked back to re-enter the back door of the bar she saw a glint in the sky, she looked closer it was hurtling towards them. It was large phallic shaped and metallic, it was a giant iron asteroid! An dick shaped asteroid was coming to wipe out all humanity – she couldn’t believe it!. By now Olga’s friends had already came out from the bar,hearing the commotion, and were also looking at the asteroid, their mouths dropped. 

Two minutes later there was a Sudden cataclysmic giant Asteroid impact – all life on earth was exterminated in the blink of an eye, all bar a few beatles, sea cucumbers and algae. The only saving grace for Olga and her evil miserable friends was that before it hit, they had two minutes to finish their drinks and say their goodbyes to each other (as did Pat and Penny) . They were upset their master plan was dashed. They wouldn’t ever be able to create havoc to the world, and eradicate all Men personally and live in a distopian utopia with Giant Big Dildos, and plenty of feminist loving agreeable female girlfriends. But in the last seconds before impact, they were begrudgingly happy that the Cosmos had in a way, sent it’s own dildo to wipe out all men, even though it would also kill them too. This she thought was the ultimate sacrifice. Olga clinked her Mohito to the girlfriends Cosmopolitans, and said “to the greater good” , and they replied in kind. As the blast wave approached Pat and Olga looked at each other, realised they loved each other after all…they ended up twin piles of ash. Slowly, over a period of a billion years this Pat Olga ash pile metamorphised into a long, tubular, shiny metallic object that some long thin fingers were now reaching for. 

The end. 

Thank you for listening to the Baby wants its bottle poetry inc podcast, a creative project by Martin Anton Smith , a NZ based creative.