BREXIT FUNNY PAGES: BORIS & THE QUEEN CHAT TO DISMISS UK PARLIAMENT ( Podcast transcript/skit)

Welcome to the Baby wants its bottle podcast, my names martin Anton smith a New Zealand based creative and this is my podcast. 
In this episode : I read a skit comedy I wrote about a year ago, when the uk parliament was going through much parliamentary perturbations regarding the brokering of a “Brexit deal” in the wake of parliament being unable to reach an accord after many attempts, it was put forward by Boris Johnson that Parliament be dissolved, in an effort to shake the minds of MPs and so result in a better outcome, a suitable deal everyone could live with. This sketch comedy is a fictitious account of a conversation between British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and the Queen, in private at Buckingham Palace.  
 
Queen, : what a dreadful mess Parliament is
Boris, : yes marm, I agree, and we can’t let the fiasco of 6 months ago to re occur , we need certainty and as such I ask we dissolve parliament to allow that, I.e to secure ‘no deal’ and give us 2 months to Get China and US as our new trade boys.
Queen,: Yes I agree, we need certainty and the EU workers and locals are too uppity, we cant have them in my house and garden anymore, I’m worried I’ll get dethroned! What would I do then ? Be a Barista or a Gardener ?,
Boris : Well, this coffee is great, and the corgi design in the froth is lovely, and that tree you planted the other day on Camera, was potted in wonderfully straight fashion ….but yes no we can’t have you dethroned and making coffees and planting shrubs, it can’t happen! We must not risk mutiny of the people! We are not Captain Bligh and this is not ‘the Bounty!’
Queen, : I agree, I grant suspension of Parliament, this was my plan all along anyway – a manufactured crisis whereby the new solution sucks for them, but this phoney crisis has paved the way for another 1000 years of Power for me, and my cronies ! And the people demand it …ah my Grandmother would have been so proud if us!
Boris, : Yes I agree, its a great swindle isn’t it? Soon half of the lazy Brits will be in NZ and Australia and we will have the second third world replace them, and we all know how dumb hard working and obedient slaves the new world worker arrivals are, and if any issues China will buy our bonds and those fat Yanks will buy our crap…
Queen,: Yes its a perfect plan …nothing can go wrong …a nice temporary depression, we will buy everything cheap and consolidate our power …er I mean my power! Hahahhahaha
Boris, : Right you are marm, its a pleasure to be your lackey, ah the people are so so stupid …just as well we agreed years ago to stop teaching history in school!
Queen ,: Yes that was my dad’s Idea, we can’t have the people know about the dictators in the 1930s…else they’d know all our sneaky tricks!
Boris, : Absolute genius marm, permit me to do a one stand handstand while eating this cream bun with the other hand
Queen: Permission granted
Boris,: OK Herr we go
(Crash noises and corgi yelps are heard, as Boris falls over, cream all over his face and lands on the queens Corgi – who was sitting on the too nearby Indian rug)
Queen,: Oh you foolish boy – you’ve flattened my dear Donald! How could you!
Boris, : I’m so sorry marm (he says defer-ingly and wiping his chin) buy perhaps this is a great chance to learn about taxidermy? We should really try to preserve dead things that were once great!
Queen,: Touche my boy! Now get the to the People to lie to their faces and tell them everything is in their interests!
Boris: yes I’m on my way, sorry about Donald
Queen,: oh that’s quite alright, very minor given the circumstances and I appreciate the handstand anyway
Boris: its not the first time I’ve squashed a little fury thing that growls at me while going a handstand and eating a cream bun.
Queen,: Oh yes how is your young wife? Boris: she is young and foolish marm. She is the perfect citizen and wife for someone like me ..a total scoundrel!
Queen, : hahahaa hahhaha hahhaha
Boris, : ha hahhahhHhhahA
Queen,: You really must go
Boris, : Yes marm, I’ll see myself out , god save the Queen!
Queen: Yed God will save me…about 10 trillion dollars!! Hahahahahaha
Boris, : hahahahahaahaha
Queen,: hahahahaahhah
Boris,: oh gosh we elites have a wonderful time don’t we marm! We get to talk talk and float around wearing the best of everything, living in opulence – and we produce Nothing of value, it’s a total farce! When will the public wise up and turf us out? Surely it’s gotta happen soon!
Queen,: well it might for you, but I’ve been on this throne 70 years and my family a thousand, we must be doing something right!
Boris,: that is true marm, I am but a porky worm , feasting on rotten eggs , living in a rubbish heap in a rich mans garden at the end of the day. 
Queen,: Well There’s nothing wrong with British eggs sonny boy – count yourself a very lucky fat worm! 
Boris,: Oh of course marm! I am the luckiest fattest worm to have ever graced the opulent lodgings at 10 Downing Street! And that includes my hero Churchill! 
Queen,: oh yes him, we was quite mad from 1940 on you know. 
Boris,: Yes and as such, so am I – for I model myself on Churchill circa 1940 – that also means I am a crackpot. 
Queen,: Yes But Churchill earned his striven fought in the Boar War you know!
Boris,: Really? My comic books never told that story! And look at me, Ive never been to war, I’ve only eaten a boar ! Wow that’s actually a good rhyme to describe my Prime Ministership! “He’s never been to War but he’s eaten many a boar! 
Queen,: Well that would be a good description. 
Boris,: Yes marm I’m a porky fool, but alas my giant ego and lack of real skills marked me out to be a politician at an early age, I wore a suit from age ten and was very very hated by all and sundry! 
Queen,: Well you are well qualified to be a modern PM then – a total dope with a chip on his shoulder!
Boris,: What’s that, did you say you have chips! I love chips, wavy ones, shoestring ones, hand cut ones, and of course lots of salt and HP sauce – all wrapped up in newspaper full of articles about  glorious glorious me! 
Queen,: ok you’ve outstayed your welcome, I’ve put up with Phillip for 70 years but twenty minutes with a buffoon like you is too much – now take you leave of your absence immediately and don’t get your grubby little chocolatie hands on my big brass knobs. 
Boris,: Wouldn’t dream of it marm, I wouldn’t waste chocolate like that! I can lick them clean! 
Queen,: Out ! Out! Out! You overgrown prep school Man boy!
Boris,: Yes sir marm! 
(Narrator : Boris scurries out the door leaving chocolate stains on the queens big brass knobs, and leaving a trail of sweet wrappers in his trail, the Queen lets out a very regal but dispirited sigh and wishes that Boris Johnson would be literally dissolved, along with the Brexit addled Parliament. The Queen now ends  with a soliloquy). 
 
Queen,: he’s gone finally!  of course, this Brexit fiasco was planned all along. You see, with forty years of rampant free trade from the eu, we had long sold the English working class down the road – we had too! By the early 1970s this country and industry was at a standstill, unions had strangled the chances for capitalists to thrive and be profitable. We had to squash this uprising, and put the unions and the lazy overpaid working class back in its place. In fact we destroyed the unions, and we pushed the worker out the door and replaced. Him with cheap , reliable , efficient, non unionised  European Union workers . Joining the EU allowed the large capitalist to thrive, and the social structure of the English nation to continue. Of course this was working well until the Great Finacial Crisis and it’s aftermath pushed the working and middle classes to critical dispair – people were getting angry, rebellious.  So I had two options a) let this discontent fester, and risk it spilling over into attacks on the remaining aristocratic and corporate elites, or b) find a way to take the steam out of the fiercely upset potential rebellion, the working and middle classes. Clearly B was the right option. So we put in place a charade in which the unwitting public would get swept up in. We would set in motion the false idea that the people would chose their destiny in a referendum to either leave the EU. Or remain in. Of course the referendum was timed for when our internal polling showed a win for “leave” would undoubtedly occur. The reason we wanted a “leave” vote was that this act would make the masses feel their voices of dissatisfaction had been heard. From that point there could be years of televised two-ing and fro-ing between the EU parliament in Brussels and the UK parliament – of course this was all theatre, but it would further drain the emotions and most importantly the energy of anger off the public, and dissipate it into nothingness. At that point, with the public weary and on its knees, a sudden agreement of a “Deal” would emerge. The “Deal” would be sold as the fruit that would satisfy of the masses discontent , but was of course new more pro capitalist and pro aristocracy version of status quo that had emerged from 1973 when Britain joined the EU.  Of course the final outcome had been arranged long before behind closed doors with the real power brokers , me and my aristocratic friends over Europe and of course corporate Europe. All in all it worked perfectly ! I couldn’t be happier – we have things better that ever, free reign to continue with cheap, reliable labour from all over Europe, and not a union in sight! The profits and tax revenues And. Production will continue to flow and a potential revolution squashed for at least a generation. A fine swindle, don’t you think.?
 
 
 
End scene
 
Thankyou for listening to the “Baby wants his bottle inc podcast” , a creative project bought to you by Martin Anton Smith, a New Zealand based creative.
 
 

“The Mindcrime war of 1” a reading and a report about my live Poem reading in Dunedin, NZ in 2019

Hi My names Martin Anton Smith, a creative showcasing his wares and ideas…thank you for listening to my podcast “The Baby wants his bottle inc.”

Part 1 : Note from 2021: this blog post and poem was written in late 2019, a little before the Covid crisis, – and alas we are well into this new crisis as I speak here now, on 5 may 2021. When I wrote this original piece 18 months ago, the world was well into troubling financial and difficult social times – I have argued often that since 1980 western society has thrown out many “healthy babies” (such as full employment) along with the old bathwater (such as narrowmindedness) of the past. Thatcher and Reagan (And those kiwi followers Lange, Douglas then Bolger and Richard son in New Zealand ) pushed the ideology of “Market forces” and “individualism”  and “efficiency” these catch phrases put in action, were supposed to make everyone wealthier and healthier. Jobs were shipped, Structural unemployment became a thing, and speculators and big corporations were given a structural competitive advantage, you might say. The big boys never had so much power and influence in profit and the halls of power – bought politicians became legal from this era onwards . 41 years on from that doctrine we have seen huge declines in wealth and health to the great majority of middle and working classes, while the very few have had income explosions. We’ve seen corporations wantonly create massive pollution harming the ecology, and at the least moderately affecting global weather patterns. This is not conjecture but is economic and historical fact, the data is very strong especially on the economics.  The next part of this podcast/blog , part 2, is a report of the poem reading I did in 2019 in Dunedin, and the last part – Part 3 Is called – “The Mindcrime war of 1”  it’s about the psychological warfare that is on show, unbeknown to so many, and that has pervaded the west in particular since the world war 1 era to present. It’s a commentary on how life in our times are merely the flowers that were once roots, that were once seeds and seedlings – history is a river and everything is some kind of outgrowth, or less commonly death and regeneration. End of part 1. 

 

Part 2 Begins (note : This the original Post from 2019.). Yesterday I went to the ‘Dog with Two tails’ cafe in Dunedin NZ, for its weekly ‘open mic’ poetry night. I read one poem called “the mindwar of 1”, this was a shortened version from the original , – which was overly long I guess (which I will re write the read aloud version here soon). But First a little report about the night. This was the second time I had read a poem at this venue, and the first since 2 years ago in 2017 – where I read a ‘quasi poem’ of whimsy which basically outlined my nerd like Poem called “The two Leonards” – This was a quandary in the style of wondering aloud/stream of consciousness, about who was cooler – was it a) Stanford Universities famed Physicist Leonard Susskind (dubbed ‘the bad boy of Physics for his Alpha Male persona) or was it B), Leonard Nimoy the late actor who played the logical to a fault, half man half Vulcan Alien character known as “Spock” in the original sci-fi series “Star Trek”. Anyway this time I got serious and presented a poem that talked of an important issue – the fact that we are continual objects of propaganda by the state and their ever present bosses the entrenched powerful uber elites, who are the real puppet masters of our so called “democracy” and “Modern Capitalism” – The main thrust of the poem is that we have been blinded by the slow moving nature of society, its slow moving power structures, and the system of subterfuge that has been made such an ever pervading and perfected “quasi dictatorship” since 1919 in particular – the years of Bretton Woods/ Money Printing /diluting and leaving the Gold standard /Deficits to fund wars/the falsity of general Elections always being two horse races that are really “one horse races”. I float the thesis that ww1 ww2 and ww3 (which is a continuing undeclared war for your mind, based on the production of fear, so you will always be grateful for the “crumbs that fall off the table” of those that really matter (the elites that have a very stable existence based on this highly perfected system since 1919). As i have said in my draft unfinished essays – the expert methods of the 1920s-50s Dictators used, have simply been expanded and perfected – much like that of the history of technology. The effect is that we have largely (apart from a few pockets of illumination) become the Frog on the skillet, that fails to jump out because it fails to register a change of temperature owing to such a piecemeal and incremental increasing of the gas temperature . And so we the Frog burns alive and fails to save its life, it has become tricked into being helpless – like we are in 2019, we still believe in the system of madness that subjugates at least 50% of us (the World economic forum released a graph a few weeks ago tracking an ever increasing inequality of wealth transfering from the bottom upwards – so much so that 99.3% of the words wealth is in the hands of the top 50% and the top 1% owns 48% – this is essentially a Ponzi Scheme system – those on the bottom are forever raided by those ever towards the top, and you must always add another layer of those on the bottom to keep the whole charade continuing – this is why central banks must always continue to print fiat (fake) money. Edit from twenty twenty one:  I must of course say that it is not all doom , we have many chances to right wrongs and we can become wiser and more community minded without giving up on capitalism and hard work, this in a nutshell is the answer to our modern western woes. end edit.  

Anyway the Poetry night in Moray Place Dunedin NZ that night was a very busy one, the cafe (the Dog with two tails) had opened up a second room, which was great to see, a testament to the great arts scene in Dunedin. There was a good mix of young and older poets, some seasoned and others (like me) relatively new to the scene of reading and writing poetry. Interesting the first fellow up to read did some standup comedy instead, and in John Lennon circa 1966 fashion compared himself to Jesus – which took the rather stressed middle aged MC by surprise – it did raise some chortles though, including myself. I had along with a new friend who is a philosopher and poetry writer as well – although they did not read on this occasion – but have before I am told. (Edit from 2021-th faded away after meeting a new girlfriend in Christchurch, end edit). Anyway I was a little understandably nervous, but not so much and my delivery was quite good – a strong steady cambre, which suited the poem well. I got a reasonable clap at the end and a couple of interested -or maybe befuddled -‘hmms’. All in all it was fun and part of the journey of being better at talking in front of crowds and sharing my ideas – which I so used to avoid due to shyness. Afterwards my friend and I went to the Octagon pub and talked philosophical matters and enjoyed a post mortem of the events from the night. Anyway coming up in part 3 is the poem I read at the “Dog With Two tails” in Moray place Dunedin on Aug 21. (P.s. incidentally, I believe its international Poetry day Tmw the 23rd Aug? I hope to go to some events – I will report back if I do, and if I read anything). End of part 2 

Part 3 begins – this is The Poem I read in august 21 called “the Mindcrime War of 1” (writers note: thats a bad title which I should rename now to something clever like “The 100 Year Old Boiled Frog Chronicles” , no without further delay let me begin the poem – “The Mindcrime war of 1”)

1984
Was Not The Year It Started
But The Year Of The Decisive Battle
Won By The Enemy
When Globalisation was Sold
As the Answer
To Further Your Fears
To Make you Weak
The Year It Began Was 1919
The Seed Was Sown
Of Our Peoples Decline
The Absurd idea Now
Is Demanded Tomorrow
You just Need The Seed
To Sow The Seed In Time
In The People’s Minds
Engage The Fear
Reward The Hate
Divide And Conquer
Slip Through The Door
While The People Fight
A Stitch In Time
Seeded The Decline
The Continuous War
For Your Energy
Against Your Mind
Is Fought In The Mind
Thoughts Are Weapons
You’re Not Like Them
You’re Not Allowed In

But They Want Your Energy
They Want Your Body
They Want Your Mind
By A Leash Chains
Fear Is The Answer
Fear Is The Tool
You Are Told You Can’t Do
You Are Told You Are Useless
To Make You Grateful
For The Crumbs
that Fall From the Table
Fight Back
Write and Speak
Of These Truths
There’s A War For your Mind
Its Been Going Since 1919
The Ashes Of World War One
Seeded World War Two
Created Expert Propaganda
To Control The Mind
Controls The Crowd
Controls The Country
Controls The World
Controls The Past
Controls The Present
Controls the Future
WW1 WW2 WW3
They Are All One War
But Phase Changes
WW3 The Undeclared War
The War For Your Mind
The War No One Realised
They Were Living In
The Woke Few Saw This
They Were Maligned
As Conspiracy Theorists
And Declared Crackpots

 
 
Thank you for listening to “The Baby wants his bottle poetry inc podcast”, a creative writing and poetry project brought to by Martin Anton Smith.