By Martin A Smith (Bcom – “Bachelor Of Complaining“) martinantonsmith@gmail.com

None of us like Job Interviews – But let’s face it – You are not a Royal who sneaks cash from your millions of subjugated serfs – you ARE A SERF – so you NEED A JOB FROM THE GLOBAL SOUL SUCK MACHINE. That Housekeeping over let me get right into the nitty gritty. Note this advice is set in the PARIS OF THE SNOUTS aka MELBOURNE AUSTRALIA – But it could be ANY WESTERN CITY – They are all slices of the SAME SH*T SANDWHICH

In general – always remember to always be positive, wise sounding, graceful, strategic & f*cking hilarious during a job interview. As such simply Follow these 11 steps to SUCKCESS & you’ll do AOK.

1. open the door handle with a swift quarter turn – if you push instead of pull don’t keep pushing – this will make the recruiting agent think you suffer from ‘Einsteinian Insanity’ (doing the same thing over & over again & expecting a different result).

2. Congratulations you finally got in the door! Now make good eye contact with the Recruiting officer – don’t overdo it & stare them down like ‘Crocodile Dundee’ did to that Steer in the Outback – 5 seconds is fine – and then break eye contact off, then repeat process.

3. You a can now walk the 5 meters to the chair, again walk with good posture – imagine you have an ironing board strapped to your back, what’s that? You tripped over the ‘not yet rigor mortised’ carcass of the previous employee? Just imagine it was a small dog & kick your heels up in confidant ‘cabaret style’.

4. Ok great – you reached the interviewee seat – but wait, OH NO!!! It’s a tiny Vietnam Street Food style plastic seat! It’s 2ocentimeters high & only covers one chubby Westerners butt cheek! Never mind – simply squat like that seat is your CEO’s seat in your Penthouse Office overlooking that filthy, stinky, sh*t brown colored, Yarra river.

5. Ok now it’s time to shake hands with the Zombie interviewer – don’t let their appearance upset your composure – so what if patches of their hair are falling out, we all age – don’t we?; so what if their rotten eyes bulge as they view your giant university educated brain-holding cranium – can you blame them for wanting to feast on your juicy tangy frontal lobes?; so what if you can smell their maggoty, rotten, half drooping off flesh – can’t they be individuals too? Just smile broadly and say the following “Hi I’m Ann Arky (Or Bob Upindown or Jock Ular etc etc), and I’d make a wonderful modern day “Klaus Schwab Style 4th industrial Revolution Slave” for your ASX 200/300/500 Company – DoneyGiveeAF*ckiebouteeCustermeree Ltd.

5. (Note that there are two ‘Fives’ in this checklist as the World is F*cked Up & so is full of the most risible duplicitous legalistic chicanery) Now that you have That Zombie Skunk F*ckwit Interviewer in front of you all impressed & sharing a black toothless grin – it’s time for you to listen. The Zombifux Interviewer(s) will now speak endless brain-numbing ‘corporate gobbledygook’ for about 17 minutes – don’t worry, just nod and daydream of how in 20 minutes time where you will be – at the Kebab Shop facing the blunt end of a FAT HOUMOUS & LEMON LADEN KEBAB – Near the Beach in St Kilda. If during your tasty daydream the Zombiefux Interviewer suddenly look at you quizzically – simply laugh heartily and say “Well I’ll consider it, I mean I love to help cunstomers, we I mean customers! The hearty laughs will mask your totalised lack of poise & attention.

6. It’s now the end and you have shaken the Zombie’s sweaty, pale, cadaverous hand (Yes, their hand fell off but you handled that with aplomb – simply placing it nonchalantly on the desk in front) and said “I’ll look forward to the weird one-sided slavery document to arrive in my inbox, so as I can sign my soul away to your ruler – Beelzebub – I mean to say I’ll wait for your next stage telephone call or email”.

7. You reach the door – remember to not do the same stupid ‘Einsteinian Insanity trick’ – If you fail at this – not only will they have confirmation you are f*cking insane, but they’ll also know you have a very shitty goldfish type memory.

8. Now get your well-toned deadbeat’s arse down to the St Kilda Kebab Shop, and treat yourself with a post interview dinner – double up on everything so as to allow those lashings of trans fats of help combat the stressful thought that those Zombie f*kwits might actually offer you that Klaus Schwab sponsored, Dictator Dan organised Globalist Fake Carbon Credit Salesman, Soul -Sucking probably Money-Laundering Job.

9. Finish delicious Kebab meal, wipe mouth – run outside & puke in the bin. See Zombie c*nt Interviewers walk by – say to them as you wipe the puke off your face “I guess I’ve got no chance now” feel relieved when thy say “no no no – not at all !!! We are looking for soulless regurgitators with a penchant for impulsivity! You start Monday”

10. Wipe the remaining sputum from your mouth, do a final “mouth puke & swallow” and say *Gulp* Great!!! Can’t wait to start my new life at “WontGiveAF*ckee Intl.” ….then, with horror, you realise you said the wrong company name…before you can correct yourself the Zombie DontGiveAF*Ckee ltd Interviewer (s) say –“Sorry you got our name wrong – We Kunts at DontGiveAF*Ckee ltd may be the “Evil Dead” but we love attention to detail – your f*ckin’ fired”.

11. As you marvel at the fact you have just been fired from a job you had for only 23 seconds, you snap to and throw your hands up crying “easy come easy go”. You about-turn & return to Kebab Shop to celebrate – after all -you didn’t really want that job anyway. . . – You’re more of an ‘Ideas man’ & ‘Entertainer’, than a simple salesman.

(P.s. I hope you enjoyed this Aussie style humour, my dear old Melbournite (& St Kilda) people – written from exile & across the ditch in NZ – Martin A. Smith 23/11/2022 martinantonsmith@gmail.com)