by Anton Martin Smith antnmartinsmith@gmail.com or martinantonsmith@gmail.com (emails are welcome!)
“The passage of time has shown that we were indeed naive to think these naked apes would stop flinging poop at each other sometime around the year 2000 AD – may I suggest seeding the air with imodium daily?”.
“Yes that’s a great suggestion QwankyQwank76 – although what will happen when they finally explode? How will we explain that one away?”
“Oh great question o Wakookoodonk, chair of the Gallactic Council. Let’s pretend when they explode it’s a normal physiological ailment – we will simply create a textbook full of fake illneses and the name for an exploding shit-supernova will be called “Sudden-Fauchi-Syndrome” they won’t suspect a thing – they’re easily brainwashed boobs remember!”
“Wonderful, I agree it’s fool-prrof..er I mean boob proof! But QwankyQwank – what do we call this Textbook of lies you propose?
“Well Wakookoodonk – My great Council leader I propose something dry like “The diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, or the DSM for short”.
“Well thankyou QwankyQwank76 – you’ve clearly though of everything – let the Imodium cloud seeding and the exploding boobs begin! But wait – what about those humans that call themselves ‘Doctors’ – will we get resistence from them?”
“Fine question O Chair Wakookoodonk, don’t worry I’ve been watching them and so long as they live on the hills and drive nice cars and send their chldren to private schools they are totally willing to sell their fellow human beings totally down the river! It’s quite remarkable how easily bought off they are my dear Chairman”.
“Well spank my proboscis and call me Mount Olympus! Put it in motion immediately QwankyQwank76 – and I’m goign to promot you for this fine evil delicious slice of bastardry plan!”
“Oh thank you my great Chairman – how will you do that?”
“Well you are now 75th in line to the role of Chairman of the Galactic Federation – I’ve swapped you with Wartoffaface75, it’s only fair his idea of a fake virus antidote to reduce the population of Earth was rediculious -I mean they are boobs but even they wouldn’t believe that!”
“Ah I am honored my Chairman – now I only need to wait another four hundred years instead of four hundred and seven! I am gracious as my proboscis is long!”
[mutters the words ‘you cheap bastard’ under his breath]
“Is there anything we can spray on these hairy neo-baboons to stop them stinking so much – I’m thinking of an anti-bacterium plasmoid blast from above via our invisibility cloaked mothership”.
“Those humans with the pyramids and the cats we entrusted to carry out our plans back in 5000AD were good, but their distant cousins around now have turned out to be f*cking useless. In fact I don’t know why we didn’t just put the cats in charge in the first place – after all half the galactic territory is certainly still a meow-niverse”.
“Sure the Galactic Treaty says that we can’t push this red button and incinerate them all in one go, but what if I accidently ‘slipped while I was casually finger-drinking this vessel of ka-laka-taki-blurg. If I do that and if we simply decide not to fill out the holographic logbook, no one will suspect a thing! Especially as the average age of a Galactic Council member is seventeen thousand years old!”
“Ok I’m just thinking out loud here…but we really should stop using those annoying hairy apes as Galactic Council branded butt-plugs – but then again we only use the retired ‘Earthling politician classes’ after all. And the funny thing is while they’re inserted we can still hear them complain! I set a motion that the Earth-O-Politico-Galactico-Buttplugs-TM remain! All those in favour please remove said devices and pass wind – all those against stay peacefully stoppered!”
“Well we gave Earth many chances, but they still are refusing to take the emotional intelligence leadership mentorship from the Cats – why those hairy brutish things keep screaming at each other over nothing is quite incomprehensible. And isn’t it strange about the big problems they have – like wasting their entire lives – they barely batt an eyelid. That one good one of theirs named Bukowski was good at noticing those things”
“Ok Galactic Councilors our fifty thousand year longitudinal study of the differences between the male humans if Earth and the female hymabs of Earth is in – I will summarize it:
The men while ‘getting things done’ are – shall we say – ‘always thinking and playing with their reproductive appendages’ and often also refusing to grow up entirely; While the women are still crying at work while avoiding hard labor, and fantasizing far too much about pirates, billionaires, surgeons, sportsmen, the artists, and the criminally deranged. Yes it’s sad but what can we do now? – to squash them like ants, blow them up, release a disease or put them in our soup would be far too cliché.”
—
“Greetings my fellow Galactico’s. Given that these violent bipedal weirdo’s down there have ruined the Earth-planet system – we here at the Galactic council really should have double checked our earlier calibrations from long ago. Sure as your eternal ‘Galactic Poobah’ – I agree that ‘the buck stops with me’, to use a quaint human utterance. I must admit when I was in charge back then of our Milky-Way-Life-Seeding-Project some four billion years ago, that I rushed through the design paperwork. For that I blame my three headed butler Kaboobaboob at the time who was asking me – pleading really – about if I wanted fricassee’d or deep fried three-tongued-bonkybonk. Anyway back to my mistake back then – later on found I had a remainder when designing the earth-life-system and to my shame, I kept it a secret, hoping it wouldn’t matter. I can only apologize as I correct my mistake by pushing this ‘big red button’. Then Earth will go back to’ square one’, and the correct plan of having ‘The Dolphins being in charge at the top of the food chain’ with occur – with of course the cats being their very capable second lieutenants.”
“Look Beaky-boy, isn’t it strange – whenever I go back into the time-parallax-chronoscope device and into history’s past down there on Earth, nothing ever changes! No matter who I assassinate, no matter what wars or plagues I start!. The same assholes always end up in power beyond the year 2014 – go figure!”
“Ok Ok Ok I agree – we can’t let those buffoons continue. I have an idea – maybe we should start beaming them out by the million, replacing them with equal weight ‘green algal slime’ – after all it worked back in Two-Billion-BC, why won’t it work again? Lets re-run the ‘Great Snot Replacement Theory’! Can I get a show of proboscises – hey hey now stop that Catooboosplaz I said proboscises! Now roll it back up!”
Ok look – while I agree that those apes down their are batshit crazy, ignorant, annoying, smell bad and are generally un-cooperative they are definitely very good at….uh…uh…wait it’s coming to me….uh….uh…I mean they must be good at something…..uh…uh…oh yes I have it! they produce huge amounts of methane! With their constant wind-breaking, and thanks to the ‘greenhouse effect’ – they’ve helped stop Antarctica from growing to ridiculous proportions! I mean we have to keep them just for that reason don’t we? What’s that – why don’t we just keep Antarctica under control ourselves via our advanced tech? Sure we could do that, but then what would we talk about? I mean if we got rid of the hairy farting bi-pedals we’d have nothing to laugh at on our work breaks at the Helium-3 cooler. We would be a lot sadder for that my galactic friends! After all those next smarter on the list of ‘dunderhead level sentient beings’ – those heavy set bald fuzzballs on Alpha Centuri – are not nearly as stupid as the hairy bi-pedals, it just wouldn’t be the same! Let’s keep ’em I say!
Anton Martin Smith Writer 