By Martin Anton Smith martinantonsmith@gmail.com copyright owned by Martin Smith Creations Ltd All Rights Reserved

(Note This Story is inspired by a real-life story I saw in the headlines M.A.S. )

I M.K. Smithki report the following for the case of Tubes Vs Lurr for the day 15/12/2022 at Doondon City Courthouse, Nu Zuland.

Those Parties Involved:

The Plaintiff: T. I. Tubes

The Defendant: Ms Sally Lurr

The Plaintiff’s Lawyer: Mr I.T. Aintright

The Defendant’s Lawyer: Ms H. Ardboiled

The Presiding Judge: B. Igball KC

Key Witness/The Driver: N. Wittheld

The Disreputable Reporter: Peter Out.

The Plaintiff, Mr T. I. Tubes is a Paramedic who has laid a charge of ‘illegal groping’ vs the Defendant – Ms Sally Lurr – a supposed ‘drunk woman’ that he was attending to in his day-to-day activities as a Paramedic in his Employer provided Ambulance. In short Mr T. I. Tubes alleges Ms Sally Lurr his patient at the time of the incident, illegally groped him in the groin as he was treating her. This is a highly unusual case as usually in these cases the genders are reversed – a male offender & a female victim. This case is already known around the ‘traps’ (to use colloquial language) as “Drunken Woman Gropes The Medicine Man”.

The Plaintiff’s case had been going well, until the point where a ‘Key Witness’ was called by the Defendant’s Lawyer – a Ms H. Ardboiled. This spanner ‘thrown in the works’ was when the Witness – a Mr N. Wittheld -who was the colleague of the Plaintiff and also the Driver of the Ambulance at the time – Mr Wittheld alleged that (referring to the Plaintiff) “He wanted it, as he did not move away from her groping hand”. In response to this charge the Lawyer for the Plaintiff – Mr I.T. Aintright – states his client simply decided to not move, so as to keep treating the Defendant as any ‘Experienced Paramedic’ would.

The Defendant’s Lawyer – Ms H. Ardboiled – then drew gasps from the gallery when she produced a pair of trousers with a three ringed “Circular Target” painted on the crotch area. She then asked “Mr Tubes – are these the very trousers you were wearing during the moment you allege my client ‘groped your genitals’? The now much sweating Plaintiff Mt T.I. Tubes under such expert cross examination from Ms H. Ardboiled, held a long pregnant pause. The tension in the courtroom & public gallery became so thick you could cut it with a knife, and not very easily so. He said “Yes those are my trousers”.

Then the Defendants Lawyer Ms H. Ardboiled asked for permission to approach the Plantiff Mt I.T. Tubes – this was duly granted by the judge My B.I Igball. Ms H. Ardboiled then approached the Plaintiff and showed him the trousers & asked “Can you read the words on the outer ring of the ‘Target’ that is painted here on the crotch? The Plaintiff Mr T .I. Tubes answered meekly “it says the word “Almost”. Ms H. Ardboiled then asked “And what does the next inner concentric ring say?” The Plaintiff mumbled “Nearly There” – the gallery then had to be asked to compose themselves by the Judge Mr B Igball KC.

Then as the Plaintiff T.I Tubes was frantically perspiring and wiping the sweat from his brow – which incidentally he did with his bright yellow tie, Ms H. Ardboiled then asked the decisive question of the case: “And finally Mr Tubes can you recount to the gallery the words written on the bullseye” Mr Tubes’s white shirt was now so sweat filled his nipples were clearly showing through – his barely audible words that were weakly shoved from his trembling lips were – “Bullseye”.

The Public Gallery – who naturally were majority Lurr & Ardboiled supporters were on their feet throwing a large array of peanuts, balled up paper & rotten vegetables. With such wild scenes of emotion & anger on display, the Judge B. Igball KC banged his gable many multiple times & with acute veracity so as to eventually quieten the baying gallery. He also shouted loudly “Order, Order I say, Order I damn well say, Order!”.

When the roar turned to whispers & murmurs & then a rustle, he said “Ms Ardboiled, please continue”. Ms H. Ardboiled assuredly replied “Your Honour – I have no further questions – I rest my case”. While the case would not yet be over until Mr T.I. Tubes’s Lawyer – Mr I.T. Aintright had his closing statement – all present knew without a doubt that the case was over, the result was now a formality.

Other anecdotes from the day:

After the brilliant & cross examination, the Defendant Ms S. Lurr was allegedly often seen smiling sweetly at her lawyer Ms H. Ardboiled. A reporter named ‘Peter Out’ from the disreputable media outlet called LISTENUPJACK said in his radio report that saw Ms Lurr reach repeatedly and take a swig from a small hipflask in her breast pocket. Though plausible in this case, I believe this to be just another one of Mr Peter Out’s many wildly entertaining but not very true furphies.

The Plaintiff Mr T.I. Tubes was reprimanded by the Judge B.Igball KC for wearing a “Garish yellow tie also bearing a cartoon like figure’ totally inappropriate to the seriousness of the case”. Strangely KC Igball did not force him remove it – and I can’t but help wonder why.

The Judge B. Igball KC seemed to suffer from a terrible itch throughout the day & at 3:15 he adjourned for “five minutes to apply ointment”. Afterwards no scratching was observed.

At the end of the court session Mr T.I. Tubes fainted wearily in his chair & his Lawyer Mr I.T. Aintright had to be fetch a wet cloth, a glass of water & some smelling salts to regain his client’s vitality. When Mr Tubes finally came to, he slowly raised himself and said quizzically “Where am I?” to no one in particular & as he looked around himself. This of course garnered a few chortles from the public gallery. Shortly thereafter, Mr Aintright regained his usual state of composure – that is, nervously & fidgety but totally aware of his surroundings.

Ms H. Ardboiled who is a sassy & performative young lawyer in her mid-thirties, had as usual her “cheer squad” in the public gallery, which I understand is normal as she is quite the celebrity lawyer, largely owing to the success of her popular Podcast “Break Some Eggs & Win Lifes Omelettes”.

The Plaintiffs lawyer Mr I.T Aintright seemingly had a terrible cold, and was heard to sniff violently every minute or two – for some reason he never produced a hanky – much to the chagrin to all around him. Eventually late in the day Judge Igball KC motioned for a court staffer to wipe Aintright’s nose directly – and the staffer did this in much the same fashion as a mother would to their toddler age child. After seeing this unsavoury scene – which was before Ms H. Ardboiled’s wizardry – I had the distinct inkling that the Plaintiff might lose this case.

The rain was heavy & was a low audible rumble on the tin roof throughout the day – I overheard a wag in the public gallery say as he pointed to a bucket cin the corner of the courthouse “That’s not the only drip in this case” – I stifled my laughter with aplomb – a skill every serious court reporter must learn in these veritable ‘Madhouses of the Law’.

The End