jobs – Anton Martin Smith Writer

by Martin Anton Smith

Jobseeker: I’m looking for a new role

Recruitment Officer: Ham or Cheese

Jobseeker: No I want a job, that’s why I’m here!

Recruitment Officer: But Isn’t eating tasty food better that working?

Jobseeker: How did you get a job as a Recruitment consultant?

Recruitment Officer: I’m moonlighting as a Caterer; we can talk jobs later – so I can sell you a Ham for $5 or a Cheese for $7

Jobseeker: But I have no money – that’s why I need a job!

Recruitment Officer: If you buy a sandwich, I’ll give you a job.

Jobseeker: If you give me a job, I’ll buy a sandwich.

Recruitment Officer: Ok Ok – your job will be in Food Prep

Jobseeker: Ok I’m desperate – I’ll do it – when do I start?

Recruitment Officer: Right now – make a Cheese & then a Ham Sandwich, pay is $1 per sandwich.

Jobseeker: Done can I have my two dollars?

Recruitment officer – yes here it is (pays them).

Jobseeker: Thanks this is a move in the right direction.

Recruitment officer: Ok now to complete our bargain – here are the two sandwich’s, $12 dollars please.

Jobseeker: But I only have the $2 you paid me to make them both!

Recruitment Officer: True – & that’s why I am prepared to offer you a $10 ‘Sandwich Mortgage’ at very reasonable rates!

Jobseeker: This is all just a giant Scam isn’t it! Where are you morals you shyster!

Recruitment Officer: Welcome to the exciting new world of work in 2024! Sorry what’s that word you said – Morals? Is that a new type of sandwhich?

Jobseeker: Man – I’ll never try to get a job for the Australian Treasury again! I never knew this is how you make your surpluses!

Recruitment Officer: Let’s just say “Sandwich-o-nomics” has been a fantastic fiscal policy ever since Keating left office!

Jobseeker: Damn – I should have known we were still stuck in the Howard Years!!

Recruitment Officer: Sadly this is true – & you Australian battlers have been screwed like mad! The good news is “Sandwhich-o-nomics” has allowed Canberra Politicians to cream it!

Jobseeker: You charlatan…you swindler…you…you….snake oil salesman!

Recruitment Officer: Do you need some? We sell it at the Parliament doors 100% quality Snake Oil as pressed by the aging John Howard himself!

Jobseeker: hmmm…desperate time call for desperate measures…Do you have any Keating snake oil – that stuff might actually work!

Jobseeker: Hey hey hey – what do you think this place is? A free market? This is Howard era ‘Sandwhich-O-nomics’ my friend – competition is not needed wanted or desired!

Jobseeker: ok ok – give me the Howard snake oil then.

Recruitment Officer: Ok it’s $10 per bottle

Jobseeker: Do you take sandwiches as currency? Thanks to you, that’s the only way I can pay you.

Recruitment Officer: Man you’re really getting into the swing of Sandwich-o-nomics” – I feel a surplus coming on!

Jobseeker: I would protest but this Aussie Battler has had their life squeezed out of them!

Recruitment Officer: haha Sandwich-o-nomics strikes again!

Jobseeker: Can I have a loan?

Recruitment Officer: Sure first just squeeze this snake’s oil into this bottle & sign this document.

Jobseeker: That better be a real snake.

Recruitment Officer: In Sandwich-O-nomics nothing as guaranteed.

Jobseeker: Oh brother!

Recruitment Officer: Yes we can recruit him too!

Jobseeker: Where is the door?

Recruitment Officer: Under Sandwich-o-nomics there are no doors – only windows.

Jobseeker: So ‘Sandwhich-o-nomics’ has really got me screwed 100% no matter what I do!?

Recruitment: It’s a beautiful system – now excuse me I must pray 3 times on the hour to the grand Poobah of Sandwich-o-nomics

Jobseeker: Is that John Howard?

Recruitment Officer: Are you angling for a promotion?

Jobseeker: Have you got any jobs making antique watches?

Recruitment Officer: Yes – but it’ll cost you 3 months salary.

Jobseeker: Who do you think I am? Paul Keating?

Recruitment Officer: I thought you were him! That’s why made all this crap up!

Jobseeker: Shhh don’t tell anyone….I’m here to secretly scuttle the AUKUS deal

Recruitment Officer: Sorry I don’t sell those deep-sea sardines in brine water.

Jobseeker: Oh good I’ve already won! that was easier than i thought! I retire forthwith!

Recruitment Officer: I will remember you always! Lets celebrate! Ham or Cheese!

Jobseeker: Cheese please – I’m not one to ham it up!

Recruitment Officer: Touche!

By Martin A Smith

(Please Note This is Satire)

PoorUrbanPustuleTM is hiring we require the following types of people:

– Serfs
– The easily brainwashed
– Adults that still love a high school environment

PoorUrbanPustuleTM is based in Melbourne & is listed on the ASX with 100,000 employees. We have a Generous Salary on offer, relatively speaking of course – this means it is equally as bad as other fiefdoms with a huge number of employees.

We offer 4 weeks paid leave, but it is only ‘paid’ because we pay you lower for the rest of the year. We have GREAT Superannuation scheme which utilises a strategic partnership with “Black-Holio Asset Managment” – This means a bunch of sneaky Private Equity Goons will legally steal your money, which is why it only returns 5% per annum vs the ASX index long term average of 8% – but luckily, we have a great Propaganda team that stops you from knowing this.

You will have a Great Boss, NO sorry this does not mean they are GOOD or Likable or Professional – we mean his name is literally GREAT – “Bill Great” – we could tell you about him, but *our mothers* told us ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say about anyone, don’t say anything at all’.

We at P*U*P also have a Training Team to help you, the only problem is that they don’t know anything because they are afraid to leave the safety of their back offices & computer screens – but don’t worry – somehow you’ll figure it all out yourselves – have you ever seen the movie *The Lord Of The Flies*?

We also LOVE DIVERSITY – & as such we now have a Policy of hiring *No Ethnically European Males over 35*… on top of this is you have *blue hair* – you get a 5% pay increase no questions asked. On the second day you will meet our CEO – *Ivana Urcash* – she would have met you on the first day, but unfortunately this coincides with her *last day in jail*.

We have great facilities including *one toilet, two rolls of bog-roll (1 ply) & half a basin* – sorry this is due to a poor EBITA result last year due to foreign currency fluctuations – sure we probably shouldn’t have gambled 100% of last years earnings on those Dodgy Sub-Prime China Property Shares – but the online trading platform was created to be like an online Casino & our CFO lost his composure & was mesmerised by all the dings, bleeps & musical sounds (again)!

Finally, we would like to pour cold water (from our hot taps) on the rumour of ‘that strange smell coming out of PoorUrbanPultule’s floor’ – The news article in ‘The Age’ was egregiously defamatory in the max…to clarify: pegs handed out by HR to our employees were for fashion reasons only.
How do we at PoorUrbanPustuleTM see the world? Our motto says it all:

“We strive to make the world only slightly worse off than our next biggest competitor. This hasn’t happened yet – but we believe in the “Parallel Worlds Interpretation of the Universe”

APPLY NOW

(P.s. – Please bring a large Box to the interview – this will be the successful candidates new office)

Tag: jobs

“The Canberra Jobseeker Bites Off The Correct Amount He Can Chew” (Political Satire)