by Anton Martin Smith antonmartinsmithwrites@gmail.com or martinantonsmith@gmail.com

It is a strange feeling.

I have always thought it’s a bit like this:

Like you are empty and your sides are sticking together.

I also think it feels like constant inflammation.

It’s also an attack on having any feelings of confidence.

So now I have learnt to not wait to be confident.

You have to just chip away at tasks like a zombie.

Try to BE the list of ‘to do’s’ – as F’d up as that sounds.

Let me explain – it’s not what you’re thinking.

I have found a hack to combat the task ‘paralysis’.

Basically you wait until boredom levels overtake the paralysis.

It is the point whereby you need to fix the boredom,

More than you need to sustain the task paralysis.

For me this strangely works.

You just have to accept yourself in that ‘waiting mode’.

Another thing is I know physical exercise helps everything related to life itself.

So I live a day-life of physical exercise in my work and at home.

And the upside is I’m now ‘handy as hell’.

Of course I’m still no good at ‘planning a good career’.

And the normies-neurotypicals bleat on about like the sheep they are.

This is because we don’t experience the flow of time like the ‘normies’ do.

We naturally live in an eternal ‘now’.

We are a very different species than them.

And so the normies happily reject us at school, and at work, and in all shared spaces.

I guess this all makes most of us poor financially.

And I’m not counting people that are seemingly ‘not poor’ because of someone else.

After all rich people often keep a poor person as a pet – usually by marriage.

Although I myself am not really poor.

I have always weirdly lived like aristocracy that is ‘temporarily short of cash’.

I walk and talk like a long term wealthy person,

I look after my health like a long term wealthy person.

I have a distinct reverence for education and knowledge.

I keep abreast of all relevant developments – History – Science -Economics – Philosophy – Literature.

I strangely have many long term wealthy ways – or ‘mores’ as they say.

And of course I seem to have a distinct love of freedom and choice like it is fresh air itself.

I have also learnt to curb to pull of be being a total snob – though I often regress.

For whoever you are we must all seek to ‘not become that which we fight against’.

Of course thinking you’re of ‘long term wealth’ is probably some kind of ‘arty disassociative dream’.

Acutely brought on by adhd/neurodiversity.

After all thinking that you are a ‘king or queen’ is common for the mad.

I hope I have not gone ‘mad’ just yet.

And of course if you are seemingly or actually poor you can’t easily whitewash madness –

Via the Smoke-screen of being ‘eccentric’ – as the wealthy do.

Of course I am grossly ignoring another question of ‘madness’ –

For the neurotypicals aka normies aka overgrown high school bullies all think we are insane.

For the saying is true – to ‘get on’ while trapped in a madhouse you must act mad yourself.

We Neurodivergents and DSM five practitioners (aka the real mad ones) call this ‘masking’.

Without ‘masking’ they all declare a socio-econo-cultural war on us.

Because we refuse to live within the confines of their pure banalities:

Climbing of social ladders,

Casual immorality,

Gross materialism,

Lack of creativity,

Backstabbing,

Boldfaced Lies.

They think we are the weird ones for not bowing down to their false idols.

This is what I have realized with these people –

It’s their planet – we are (at best) just froth on their beer, ice for their champagne.

If I’ve learnt anything as an older non-normie it is this.

You’re on your own so just do your creative thing.

Think of them like annoying ghosts in your attic.

You wouldn’t plan your life around an annoying attic ghost.

You’d just shut the attic door and forget about it.

Of course if the ghost is also a poltergeist then might have to move out.

But then the new place might have one too or the old may have followed you.

So you have to find a way to live with your ‘always there’ poltergeist.

And that’s what’s happening here on Earth to us is it not?

Some way we must always preserve our peace via our own internal methods.

Whatever the case – just like the normies, we’ll all die soon anyway.

But God I hope we don’t see ’em on the other side.

Can you imagine just how bad that would be?