Ep 1. Crashlines Incorporated – The story of Yassap I. Y’tae (A Serialised Story)

by Anton Martin Smith antonsmithwrites@gmail.com

Hi my name is Cal, short for Calvin. Last name Coolix. Yes my parents gave me a cartoon name – Cal Coolix but it’s been good to me – no one forgets my name. In business & in life that’s a plus. But I’m not here to tell you about me. There’s someone far more interesting than me that’s shown up on my radar.

Yassap I. Y’tae….is a very underrated international businessman…at least I think that’s what he is right now. Not exactly a mystery of a man, not an enigma – but certainly perhaps best described as a riddle-that’s-only-half-written. You have not heard of him yet – no one has.

Mark my works he will change the world. He is not on the internet! He is biding his time, choosing his words carefully, doing his due diligence, crossing his t’s & doting his I’s. Like a cornered Tiger, he is waiting to pounce. Well that’s what I’d tell you if I had to make a pitch about Yassap I. Y’tae right now. You must always sound confidant – even if you have zero intel.

There is slight static on the line. He informs me he will be launching soon. I pressed him what “soon” meant – he chose not to elaborate only saying in his true mysterious fashion: “If I gave you a specific date when the best date possible to launch has not yet materialized, I will only let both of us down – but I will contact you soon, that is my promise”. I said “ok but can I ask…” before I could finish I heard the engaged sound. I felt foolish, as I should have left it at “ok”. It was not my first or last “schoolboy error” & I hung up the phone.

I was overdue for a Cappachino, perhaps that’s the reason I felt a little off my game on that call. “stop beating yourself up Cal, you just need coffee – that’s all it was”. I began my journey to the lobby cafe – short walk through my small rented workspace, I would enter the lift, & go down three floors.

In the lift was Anne, she was also renting some space just like me – but for her own project. We exchanged pleasantries, but no more than that. For these were cold hearted hard business times, & both Anne & I knew it. All anyone cared about right now was business survival.

With so many ventures going to the wall these eighteen months since the crash, just surviving was almost like being a billionaire nowadays. Although my hunch was that Yassap I. Y’tae probably wasn’t in the same boat as me & Anne or anyone like us. I didn’t know anything about him other than his energy was all different. In my half century on this Earth, I’d learnt that what that old 20th Century physicist Nikolai Tesla said was right – energy, namely vibrational energy is everything.

The doors opened with a weird low pitch ‘ting’. As I heard my boots step on the hard polished concrete ground floor, all I could think of was getting caffeinated & figuring out who the hell was Yassap I. Y’tae??……..

(End of Episode 1. . . .the next will be coming soon!)

“The Canberra Jobseeker Bites Off The Correct Amount He Can Chew” (Political Satire)

by Martin Anton Smith

Jobseeker: I’m looking for a new role

Recruitment Officer: Ham or Cheese

Jobseeker: No I want a job, that’s why I’m here!

Recruitment Officer: But Isn’t eating tasty food better that working?

Jobseeker: How did you get a job as a Recruitment consultant?

Recruitment Officer: I’m moonlighting as a Caterer; we can talk jobs later – so I can sell you a Ham for $5 or a Cheese for $7

Jobseeker: But I have no money – that’s why I need a job!

Recruitment Officer: If you buy a sandwich, I’ll give you a job.

Jobseeker: If you give me a job, I’ll buy a sandwich.

Recruitment Officer: Ok Ok – your job will be in Food Prep

Jobseeker: Ok I’m desperate – I’ll do it – when do I start?

Recruitment Officer: Right now – make a Cheese & then a Ham Sandwich, pay is $1 per sandwich.

Jobseeker: Done can I have my two dollars?

Recruitment officer – yes here it is (pays them).

Jobseeker: Thanks this is a move in the right direction.

Recruitment officer: Ok now to complete our bargain – here are the two sandwich’s, $12 dollars please.

Jobseeker: But I only have the $2 you paid me to make them both!

Recruitment Officer: True – & that’s why I am prepared to offer you a $10 ‘Sandwich Mortgage’ at very reasonable rates!

Jobseeker: This is all just a giant Scam isn’t it! Where are you morals you shyster!

Recruitment Officer: Welcome to the exciting new world of work in 2024! Sorry what’s that word you said – Morals? Is that a new type of sandwhich?

Jobseeker: Man – I’ll never try to get a job for the Australian Treasury again! I never knew this is how you make your surpluses!

Recruitment Officer: Let’s just say “Sandwich-o-nomics” has been a fantastic fiscal policy ever since Keating left office!

Jobseeker: Damn – I should have known we were still stuck in the Howard Years!!

Recruitment Officer: Sadly this is true – & you Australian battlers have been screwed like mad! The good news is “Sandwhich-o-nomics” has allowed Canberra Politicians to cream it!

Jobseeker: You charlatan…you swindler…you…you….snake oil salesman!

Recruitment Officer: Do you need some? We sell it at the Parliament doors 100% quality Snake Oil as pressed by the aging John Howard himself!

Jobseeker: hmmm…desperate time call for desperate measures…Do you have any Keating snake oil – that stuff might actually work!

Jobseeker: Hey hey hey – what do you think this place is? A free market? This is Howard era ‘Sandwhich-O-nomics’ my friend – competition is not needed wanted or desired!

Jobseeker: ok ok – give me the Howard snake oil then.

Recruitment Officer: Ok it’s $10 per bottle

Jobseeker: Do you take sandwiches as currency? Thanks to you, that’s the only way I can pay you.

Recruitment Officer: Man you’re really getting into the swing of Sandwich-o-nomics” – I feel a surplus coming on!

Jobseeker: I would protest but this Aussie Battler has had their life squeezed out of them!

Recruitment Officer: haha Sandwich-o-nomics strikes again!

Jobseeker: Can I have a loan?

Recruitment Officer: Sure first just squeeze this snake’s oil into this bottle & sign this document.

Jobseeker: That better be a real snake.

Recruitment Officer: In Sandwich-O-nomics nothing as guaranteed.

Jobseeker: Oh brother!

Recruitment Officer: Yes we can recruit him too!

Jobseeker: Where is the door?

Recruitment Officer: Under Sandwich-o-nomics there are no doors – only windows.

Jobseeker: So ‘Sandwhich-o-nomics’ has really got me screwed 100% no matter what I do!?

Recruitment: It’s a beautiful system – now excuse me I must pray 3 times on the hour to the grand Poobah of Sandwich-o-nomics

Jobseeker: Is that John Howard?

Recruitment Officer: Are you angling for a promotion?

Jobseeker: Have you got any jobs making antique watches?

Recruitment Officer: Yes – but it’ll cost you 3 months salary.

Jobseeker: Who do you think I am? Paul Keating?

Recruitment Officer: I thought you were him! That’s why made all this crap up!

Jobseeker: Shhh don’t tell anyone….I’m here to secretly scuttle the AUKUS deal

Recruitment Officer: Sorry I don’t sell those deep-sea sardines in brine water.

Jobseeker: Oh good I’ve already won! that was easier than i thought! I retire forthwith!

Recruitment Officer: I will remember you always! Lets celebrate! Ham or Cheese!

Jobseeker: Cheese please – I’m not one to ham it up!

Recruitment Officer: Touche!

“Polite 21st Century, Post Pandemic HR Advice For The Job & Interview Hunter – Australian Edition” (Satire/Prose)

By Martin A Smith (Bcom – “Bachelor Of Complaining“) martinantonsmith@gmail.com

None of us like Job Interviews – But let’s face it – You are not a Royal who sneaks cash from your millions of subjugated serfs – you ARE A SERF – so you NEED A JOB FROM THE GLOBAL SOUL SUCK MACHINE. That Housekeeping over let me get right into the nitty gritty. Note this advice is set in the PARIS OF THE SNOUTS aka MELBOURNE AUSTRALIA – But it could be ANY WESTERN CITY – They are all slices of the SAME SH*T SANDWHICH

In general – always remember to always be positive, wise sounding, graceful, strategic & f*cking hilarious during a job interview. As such simply Follow these 11 steps to SUCKCESS & you’ll do AOK.

1. open the door handle with a swift quarter turn – if you push instead of pull don’t keep pushing – this will make the recruiting agent think you suffer from ‘Einsteinian Insanity’ (doing the same thing over & over again & expecting a different result).

2. Congratulations you finally got in the door! Now make good eye contact with the Recruiting officer – don’t overdo it & stare them down like ‘Crocodile Dundee’ did to that Steer in the Outback – 5 seconds is fine – and then break eye contact off, then repeat process.

3. You a can now walk the 5 meters to the chair, again walk with good posture – imagine you have an ironing board strapped to your back, what’s that? You tripped over the ‘not yet rigor mortised’ carcass of the previous employee? Just imagine it was a small dog & kick your heels up in confidant ‘cabaret style’.

4. Ok great – you reached the interviewee seat – but wait, OH NO!!! It’s a tiny Vietnam Street Food style plastic seat! It’s 2ocentimeters high & only covers one chubby Westerners butt cheek! Never mind – simply squat like that seat is your CEO’s seat in your Penthouse Office overlooking that filthy, stinky, sh*t brown colored, Yarra river.

5. Ok now it’s time to shake hands with the Zombie interviewer – don’t let their appearance upset your composure – so what if patches of their hair are falling out, we all age – don’t we?; so what if their rotten eyes bulge as they view your giant university educated brain-holding craniumcan you blame them for wanting to feast on your juicy tangy frontal lobes?; so what if you can smell their maggoty, rotten, half drooping off flesh – can’t they be individuals too? Just smile broadly and say the following “Hi I’m Ann Arky (Or Bob Upindown or Jock Ular etc etc), and I’d make a wonderful modern day “Klaus Schwab Style 4th industrial Revolution Slave” for your ASX 200/300/500 Company – DoneyGiveeAF*ckiebouteeCustermeree Ltd.

5. (Note that there are two ‘Fives’ in this checklist as the World is F*cked Up & so is full of the most risible duplicitous legalistic chicanery) Now that you have That Zombie Skunk F*ckwit Interviewer in front of you all impressed & sharing a black toothless grin – it’s time for you to listen. The Zombifux Interviewer(s) will now speak endless brain-numbing ‘corporate gobbledygook’ for about 17 minutes – don’t worry, just nod and daydream of how in 20 minutes time where you will be – at the Kebab Shop facing the blunt end of a FAT HOUMOUS & LEMON LADEN KEBAB – Near the Beach in St Kilda. If during your tasty daydream the Zombiefux Interviewer suddenly look at you quizzically – simply laugh heartily and say “Well I’ll consider it, I mean I love to help cunstomers, we I mean customers! The hearty laughs will mask your totalised lack of poise & attention.

6. It’s now the end and you have shaken the Zombie’s sweaty, pale, cadaverous hand (Yes, their hand fell off but you handled that with aplomb – simply placing it nonchalantly on the desk in front) and said “I’ll look forward to the weird one-sided slavery document to arrive in my inbox, so as I can sign my soul away to your ruler – Beelzebub – I mean to say I’ll wait for your next stage telephone call or email”.

7. You reach the door – remember to not do the same stupid ‘Einsteinian Insanity trick’ – If you fail at this – not only will they have confirmation you are f*cking insane, but they’ll also know you have a very shitty goldfish type memory.

8. Now get your well-toned deadbeat’s arse down to the St Kilda Kebab Shop, and treat yourself with a post interview dinner – double up on everything so as to allow those lashings of trans fats of help combat the stressful thought that those Zombie f*kwits might actually offer you that Klaus Schwab sponsored, Dictator Dan organised Globalist Fake Carbon Credit Salesman, Soul -Sucking probably Money-Laundering Job.

9. Finish delicious Kebab meal, wipe mouth – run outside & puke in the bin. See Zombie c*nt Interviewers walk by – say to them as you wipe the puke off your face “I guess I’ve got no chance now” feel relieved when thy say “no no no – not at all !!! We are looking for soulless regurgitators with a penchant for impulsivity! You start Monday”

10. Wipe the remaining sputum from your mouth, do a final “mouth puke & swallow” and say *Gulp* Great!!! Can’t wait to start my new life at “WontGiveAF*ckee Intl.” ….then, with horror, you realise you said the wrong company name…before you can correct yourself the Zombie DontGiveAF*Ckee ltd Interviewer (s) say –“Sorry you got our name wrong – We Kunts at DontGiveAF*Ckee ltd may be the “Evil Dead” but we love attention to detail – your f*ckin’ fired”.

11. As you marvel at the fact you have just been fired from a job you had for only 23 seconds, you snap to and throw your hands up crying “easy come easy go”. You about-turn & return to Kebab Shop to celebrate – after all -you didn’t really want that job anyway. . . – You’re more of an ‘Ideas man’ & ‘Entertainer’, than a simple salesman.

(P.s. I hope you enjoyed this Aussie style humour, my dear old Melbournite (& St Kilda) people – written from exile & across the ditch in NZ – Martin A. Smith 23/11/2022 martinantonsmith@gmail.com)