Narrator: So the word on the intergalactic gravity wave data network was telling all the advanced citizens of the galaxy that those ape-like beings of planet Earth thought they’d sniffed out life on another planet. This made all the galactic tongues wag, as you might expect. Just imagine what the far far more advanced than us beings – the aliens- would have been saying to each other….I imagine it might go something like this….
“Evening SnoinkSnoik”
”Evening BlatBlat”
“Oh no SnoinkSnoink did you here the news? Those bums over at the Perseus arm of the Milky Way finally found us – drat drat & double drat!
“Well Blato me ol’ boy, don’t worry too much – at least they won’t be able to get here for another thousand years – they ain’t too bright on the anti-gravity”.
“You’re right again Snoinko – we at k2-18b can all thank our lucky stars about that”.
“Don’t you mean we can thank our lucky “sinusoidally rotating twin Roy Kerr blacker than black, black holes” – after all, that’s what drives our anti-gravity”
“Ah yes Snoink, but that would be a real mouthful say – oh wait I forgot, we communicate telepathicaly don’t we?”
“How could you forget that Blats?”
“Dunno I think maybe we are already getting dumber ever since they sniffed us out”
“Oh well, perhaps we should shoot ‘em with our death ray”
“No Snoinkster, we are supposed to protect the undeveloped cave man like life forms – remember the galactic charter?”
“Oh yeah, ok then Blatso, from now on it will all like “ixnay on the eth-day ay-ray”
“Yes lamentably ol’ Snoinkarino, it really does seem like you are becoming more like the Earthlings every second – I didn’t understand a word you said, I mean thought!”
“Well Blatsos, you’re right again! I am probably over exposed to their silly psychic mind fields – I did have a brief visit there over New Jersey the other month, the sunny weather was as delicious as the odd human snack I beamed up to my vessel!”
“Silly Alien, I told you to stop zipping about the galaxy so much, and be careful what you eat those humans are very high in fat these days!”
“Well excuse me for wanting a holiday once in a while & some time to myself, & what’s wrong with some fatty human snacks every now & then as a treat”
“Look what we are becoming, we are becoming what we eat! We have to stop all this silliness! And now they know we are here it’s only get worse! let’s rip up that pesky galactic charter & fire up the death ray!”
“here here Blatbrain!”
“No – not here – over there, let us not blow ourselves up again Snoinkenstein”
“Over there, over there, spread the word, spread the word, over there! (singing theatrically)”
“Oh brother! Now you’re singing their dippy songs – we really need to end this scene fast!”
“I agree me ol’ mate Blato-saurus – but how?”
“Let’s just stop thinking”
“Oh so we’re going to be 100% Earthlings now are we?”
“Unfortunately Snoinkeltoes, yes – that is now looking like our destiny!”
“Well, Blatzles, let’s just fire up the death ray then!”
“Right you are Snoinkletino”
“No worries Blatsoballs”
“I’m glad we eventually saw giant black almond shaped eye to giant black almond shaped eye”
“Looks like we’re back to being ourselves then eh?”
“Yeah – that Earth mind Virus got us for a few mega trillion nanoseconds!”
“True – now I forget what we are doing with the death ray are we using it or do the Earthlings get to live”
“Let’s flip for it”
Ok if I land on my six feet they live, if I land on my giant squid like head they die by giant intergalactic laser beam!” (he does a summersault & lands perfectly on his six feet)
“Ta da – I landed on my feet”
“Ok the dummies live to sniff our farts another day then”
“Let’s shut up our telepathy now that that’s all sorted Snoinkelbergster ”
“Oh Blatabus, You always think that! p.s. just call me plain old SnoinkSnoink next time would you”
“But that’ll be no fun Snoinkel-berg-ster-saurus-arino-meister”
“Oh dear…oh dear…oh dear oh dear oh dear….it’s worse than I thought…you’ve got a terrible terrible dose of Humanitis….I’ve changed my mind about it all now Blattles – Fire up the Death Ray!”
“Ok fair enough SnoinkSnoink, after all, It’s only fair & right charter or no charter it must be done!….but …er..there’s just one more problem…”
“What’s that Blatblat?”
“I can’t remember where I put it last”
End
Anton Martin Smith Writer 