By Martin Anton Smith
A truly intelligent & cultured person or being for that matter, who has long conquered themselves, doesn’t invite a Stone Age barbarian to live with him or live amongst them freely. To do so would invite serious harm and would refute the premise that they have attained high wisdom & self control as individuals, a group or society or even perhaps as an extra-terrestrial species.
Well – it’s the same thing with the Aliens & Us thing. And yes it is a ‘thing’ unless you’ve been living under a nice upper middle class rock in a highly manicured garden a far too leafy green suburb. And anyway perhaps one day even the snobs on the hills of the world will have to look reality squarely in its big sloping almond shaped eyes. One day.
But back to what I said earlier – about smart things or beings not ever hanging with Neanderthals.
Well it’s time to admit that that’s not strictly true – said man or woman or being might do as such for probably only a couple of main reasons: They have become totally abjectly bored and want to risk being beaten up, killed or raped, or maybe just have their living rooms destroyed or to witness a beast do other generically beast-like things, such as snort, growl relieve themselves etc.
Yes, Perhaps we could be a dumping ground for bored and/or depressed Aliens. Maybe Earth could be some kind of “last hurrah” for some extra terrestrials on their way out either spiritually or physically. Maybe Earth is a “Death Pod”.
The other reason is we are their ‘livestock’ and they are feeding off us somehow , perhaps it’s an indirect such as carbon dioxide capture or bad psychic energy harvesting or maybe a direct culling of a few beasts here & there, with an occasional ‘mass cull’. Maybe ww2 or the Spanish Flu was one of these ‘mass culls’. You never know.
Another third more simple idea is that we are their pets – they harvest mostly just good feelings from us, & they agree to feed us, keep us safe from ourselves and from outside threats. Maybe that’s why there’s been no asteroid big enough to wipe us out for 65 Million years – they look out for those things & change there trajectory so they miss. Or maybe they vaporise them with a giant mega-lazer gun.
So to recap: it’s either Assisted Suicide/On a Bender/Last hurrah for them, OR we are either their livestock OR more fortuitously, their cute fuzzy little Pets. Ok most of us have faced for radio – but perhaps they’ll think that’s cute. You might hear them say of the ugliest of us:
”Look at my cute George Soros, look at his wrinkles….oh and little Hillary Clinton has just started tapping her foot & is asking for her biscuits…..oh wait shit…look over there, my Whoopi Goldberg just did a Woopsie on my fine Arcturian rug!”
Oh and you might think that I’ve made a big error by implying that they may have have invited us into their living rooms – well let me explain. If they were here long before us, long before we split from the chimps, & it was they that biologically engineered us to be us – then isn’t that that effectively what has happened? Philosophy haven’t we been invited into their homes?
You could call it the “They were here first & we owe it all them thesis”. They might just be popping out of their multi-millennia-old sea base in the Pacific or the Atlantic or from under the ice in Antarctica. This is of course a very popular UFO theory amongst us tin foil hat wearers around the world.
Now let’s return to the other theories – The we are their Livestock theory & We are their Pets theory.
So if we are their livestock or pets then we will no doubt be able to live as we have been, or should I say “as they have allowed us to live”.
I guess this stupid planet would like that just fine, because (if you’ve noticed) most people are happy to be rough diamonds at best and walking disasters at worst. Under the “Pet theory” the Aliens would occasionally pet us or they scoop up our negative vibes as snacks. But they will always feed us & keep us safe-a classic win-win for all of us involved!
But the most interesting theory of the three is that they are bored slash depressed beyond belief & as a last gasp reprieve from the darkness, are up for some high risk & adventure. This theory would naturally mean they “walk amongst us” already …and as their boredom is relieved by excitement the higher then are their expectations and willingness are for ever more amplified risk-tasking behaviour.
At that point they will want to work with us live with us live with us, be weird friends with us, party with us, Hell they may want to marry us or even fool around with us. Intergalactic shagging – the stuff James T. Kirk was obsessed by. Who knows, on this matter maybe Roddenberry’s words may breath themselves into fire. The sixties were definitely open minded.
Maybe they’ll go on benders with us. Hell maybe they will be like “Alien Bukowski’s” & we will be their “Alien Bukowski Floozies” – well go on benders with them in dive bars & then retreat with them to our flop-houses to get rest till we do the same thing tomorrow.
That behaviour would of course lead to many alien suicides. Under my theory this is what many of them must secretly want – they have lost their will to live, and have reached their limits of their sanity. So if so, why not throw yourself into the Gorilla cage called Earth – it might perk you up a bit.
We would like that self serving option Vs to be pets or livestock, which of course we may already be.
Humans after all if anything, selfish. And the Alien suicide slash on a bender theory , we don’t need to look at ourselves in the mirror. Our natural state of being.
Just a theory, mind.
Outside that prime theory, I guess the next best one is to be ‘Pets’. Being a pet of an alien is much better than the ‘livestock’ option. Then they’ll love us more than their own.
But could we handle that? I’m not sure we could. It’s gonna mess with our minds too much. After all we only like those that agree with our worldview, no matter how twisted & unhealthy that is.
That’s how caveman-like we humans still are. Even our ‘Ivory Tower Professors’ that pretend they are intellectually holier than thou & ultra sophisticated – they act like cavemen too whenever someone points out a hole in one of their theories – the toys come out of the cot & the club comes down via the cloak of their sharp sabre toothed silver tongues.
No matter what happens, a real life Alien Arrival or not, there is no escaping ourselves – under both scenarios we are still stuck with having to put up with each other, caveman to caveman, inmate to inmate.
If we are lucky they will be just boozy depressed Aliens on a one way farewell mission that will lessen their cosmic depression. In which case this means they will have already been here for a long time & people like me have long got roaring drunk with them at shitty bars, under the misconception that they are just fellow human lonely depressed drunkards. When in fact they are Extra-Terrestrial lonely depressed drunkards. Seriously – wouldn’t that be cool?
I only hope that on one glorious day while both humans & aliens are slamming down cheap pints, they will be able to take off their “human costumes” & we won’t lose our shit. Then something like the alien bar scene in Star Wars can play out – losers from all over the universe living in a grimy, weird & twisted paradise!
When that amazing day happens, I’ll be there on a bar stool telling over the top Earth based ‘life war stories’ no doubt to an argumentative & bored, but also very hilarious Pleiadian drunk (or Alpha Centurian or a Trappist for that matter).
They’ll no doubt always have their elephant trunk like mouths sunk deep in a glass of specially brewed for aliens – ‘Galactic Guinness’. Maybe most of them too will have have had shit jobs & batshit crazy wives or girlfriends, husbands & boyfriends, neighbours, landlords, bosses & workmates to full them up with great hard luck bar stories too.
Yes the biggest surprise of all might be that they are a lot more like us than we think possible. But then we shouldn’t be too surprised about that – after all a slave or a slave boss from antiquity would, after they got over the shock of it all, probably be right
at home. I mean apart from technology, nothings really changed has it? Maybe that’s the same with them. Maybe Aliens are just as happy throwing their shit at each other just like us.
Maybe paradoxically ‘throwing shit at each other’ is just an important factor for intelligent life as is opposable thumbs or carbon or a big brain. Maybe we all need conflict, drama & some batshit crazy just to keep us on this side of sanity? After all, the comfortable rich folk at the country clubs are some of the most unhappiest assholes out there of all.
I rest my case dear reader.
THE END
Anton Martin Smith Writer 