“Yesterdays News aka Todays Fish & Chip Wrappers” (Prose)

Busy fish and chips kitchen with animated fish, chips, lemon, tartar sauce, and pea characters

By Anton Martin Smith Antonmartinsmithwrites@gmail.com or Martin Anton Smith@gmail.com

So I decided to step into the fray.

The chip shop people needed me.

So I stepped up to the plate, by stepping away from my usual plate.

Yes I was a regular customer – am still a regular customer.

So this proves it wasn’t a fatal decision relationship-wise.

I was just helping out, but it was still a little scary.

Sending food out in a timely fashion when all hell breaks loose.

Eateries are maligned by the snobs –

But lets call a pattie a pattie –

There’s not much more ‘short term higher pressure’ in business,

Than a restaurant or takeaway.

If a meals out in time you’ve passed,

If you add another ten minutes your ‘too slow’.

An no one cares if all the orders are coming in like middle-east missiles.

They only think of themselves and the clock – which is their prerogative.

So now here I was on the burgers, taking phone orders and wrapping the fish & chips up.

The phone orders were easy – people knew what they wanted & didn’t ask prices.

The burgers were a little more tricky – but I’d made plenty at home before.

Surprisingly I soon found out wrapping the chips was an exact science in itself.

If you don’t do things via exact steps – (namely, folding, cradling, centering) –

It all ends up looking like a teenagers (or an artists) unmade bed.

And the other major thing that was a surprise?

While manning the phones, I realized from the affect in the customers voices,

That the ‘every Friday kiwi fish & chips’ (& burgers & hotdogs etc),

Meant a lot more to people than I realized.

Hearing the childlike joy when someone lists a burger, a spring roll, a donut, a pineapple ring –

Was really something to behold.

It was then I realized that perhaps I wasn’t as much as a foodie as I thought I was.

Witnessing an adult still be able to have child-like joys was indeed my biggest take-away.

I’m glad I helped out, and I will do again if pressed under similar emergency conditions.

But all in all – I think it’s definitely better & more profitable on the other side of the kitchen.

Of course I should say I got yelled at a little,

The funniest being when I was slow on the uptake about Chow Mein does not entail having noodles –

This meant their was an an impromptu skit of “Yes we don’t have noodles but we do have Chow Mein”

The old adage of ‘if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen’ is true.

Strangely enough this particular kitchen was amazingly cold,

Owing to it being mid-winter, a big kitchen and with the back door always wide open.

Incidentally I arranged to work for ‘food credits’ but don’t tell ‘the man’ about that –

It was a mutually beneficial arrangement between the two parties.

I’ve now eaten the credits entirely away – except perhaps a small ten-dollar plate of fish & chips.

All in all I’m glad I answered my local chippies distress call.

After all discomfort is where personal growth’s habitat lies…within reason of course.

And I’ve always dreamed of being a restaurateur one day.

And lets’s call a spring roll a spring roll – Being the YELL-ER is far better than the YELL-EE.

So far in life I’ve always been a YELL-EE.

By the time I shuffle of the ‘giant chip’ – it’d be nice to have the shoe on the other foot.

But I didn’t come down in the last fryer fat refresh – I know the truth is this:

Regardless of whether you’re a YELL-EE or a YELL-ER –

You ‘still gonna have to serve somebody’ – ain’t ya?

Yes – despite what the bozo’s on tv and the computer screens say –

We’re all just striving for a ‘better class of serfdom’ no matter how you slice ‘n’ dice the chip-shop onion.

So I’m glad I finally got around to talking to you about my ‘yesterdays news’ –

Or do I mean ‘todays fish & chip paper’?.

P.s. I forgot to tell you I dropped my mobile phone in the massive sweet and sour sauce pan,

WHOOPS! (it’s ok it was just a ‘burner’ anyway).

“Bells, Burgers, & Language Instruction ” (A Prose Poem)

by Anton Martin Smith

It’s midday.

“Shall we get pies or burgers” I say to my elderly mother.

The usual ‘bought lunch’ is a ‘chicken & mushroom’ pie for mum,

And a ‘Mince & Cheese variant for me from the ‘servo’ –

along with other incendiary items:

Classic Big Orange Drink that comes housed in a Plastic 2L ‘Milk Container’.

One Coffee for me either in a can or barista – depending on the weather.

“Yes let’s go for burgers” she says with a half energetic thought.

So the good but not really good servo pies are out today.

In my car I go.

I go to the asian eatery – where I have become a novelty.

This is because I like to engage with the staff – who are of various levels of ‘broken english’.

So Burgers now ordered, haggle over a ‘cash price’ done & negotiated.

While waiting I talk to the ‘most broken english’ staff member – the husband of the best talker.

He reminds me of the kind of foreigner that is working too hard to be able to learn the language.

This is not a criticism – just an observation – for we westerners are glib at how hard it is for a ‘far flunger’.

But this time he is keen for an ‘impromptu lesson’.

I see a ruler on the counter – I pick it up & say slowly, demonstratively the word ‘ruler’.

Of course ‘r’s’ & ‘l’s’ are impossible to pronounce, & this word has a double does.

After the as expected bad pronuncial result – I chastise myself for choosing that prop.

I see the counter bell

I say again clearly, teacherly drawn out, demonstrably & repeatedly

“Bell”….”Bell”…”Bell” as I finish it I rung the bell a little.

Before he has the chance to reply comes a disembodied from the back kitchen voice:

“I’M COMING”

We both laugh at this unintended consequence.

Isn’t it great? – the language of physical comedy needs no teacher.

The lesson ends as the now embodied voice comes in & hands over the burgers.

“There’s Extra beetroot for you” what a delight I think as I say my friendly goodbyes.

These little ‘slices of life’ are quite uplifting.

NB: I can report that at home the burgers were well received.

”Use The Sauce, Luke” (a skit)

by Martin Anton Smith

New Star Wars Movie!!!!!

I heard their is a new Star Wars movie (My very own spoof idea, in fact) where it has an alternate timeline.
Luke decides to not ever join the Jedi’s, & despite Yoda & Obiwan’s pleas, he decides to flip burgers for various transiting aliens (the Naboo etc) on the planet called Mos Isley.

The movie is called “Use the sauce Luke”. It culminates with Yoda & Obi-wan agreeing to stop harassing Luke at the Drive through window, & the also agree to quit the Force & work with Luke at the Drive Thru.

Here is a snippet of the proposed script:

Obiwan: Use the sauce Luke!
Luke: That’s what I’ve been doing all year dummy!
Yoda: Hot Pink Uniforms, great they are!
Luke: I thought I’d got rid of you guys!
Obiwan: Fair enough – You tired of us…but we got lonely! We ain’t as tough as we make out!By the way…how is your Father?
Luke: Pretty good, he owns the Franchise – but now he calls himself “Darth Feeder”
Yoda: ha ha ha Funny you are Master Luke!
Luke: Their ain’t nothin’ funny about the Galactic Burger Biz Yodes!
Obi-wan: Luke Are you sure your not “using too much of the sauce”?
The scene ends with “Darth Feeder” walking in breathing heavily, taking his helmet off & handing out overtime slips to them all & cursing the drunk aliens tha come into the drive thru after the alien bar closes.


(End scene )