“He Who Seeks Flavour (sic) Amoungst the Gum-Chewers” (A Poem)

The man who cannot ‘walk & chew gum’ at the same time takes a long time to get anywhere –

Unless of course he hates to chew gum,

In which case he is always on time.

But then on arrival he faces a new problem –

No one wants him around –

You see ‘Gum chewers’ think ‘Non-Gum Chewers’ are snobs.

After a while this accusation gets to him & he begins to chew gum.

In no time he makes a lot of friends & is known for always being late.

Over-excited by his newfound popularity amoungst the ‘Gum Chewers’ –

He goes overboard:

He subscribes to “Gum Chewers Monthly Magazine”

He invests his life savings in Wrigleys

He joins the Ivory Towers set & writes a thesis called:

‘Saw Jaws & bubble blowing throughout the ages: a longitudinal study well worth sinking your teeth into’

He is then approached by a well known american publisher to turn his thesis into a book,

Then Hollywood comes a-knocking for a feature length documentary

‘Saw Jaws’ becomes a Rollicking blockbuster –

He moves into the Hollywood Hills & dates a bevy of ‘A-listers’ –

Of course – “what goes up, must come down”

Fast forward 7 years – he is washed up, on crack & outa fame & cash & lives under a bridge.

“I wish I’d never reached for that stick of gum” are the words that rattle his head constantly.

They are not the only ones

“How can something as insignificant as chewing gum lead to this”

“How did the Devil get me in such a obscure way as this”

“Now I am so broke I can’t even afford a pack of gum” 

Then he had an epiphany: he’d walk & not stop.

He’d walk & not chew gum – ad infinitum.

He Walked & Walked & Walked & never stopped.

People fed him along the way & gave him a bed at nights.

He began to get attention

Eventually the News Networks wanted to buy his story – for a princely sum.

Strangely he said yes and the whole ‘rise & fall’ story repeated itself again.

The moral of the story is this: Never try to impress the in-crowd.

Alas it is always true – they will chew you up & then spit you out.

But why can’t they Chew you up & spit you out at the same time?

Bloody Hypocrites!

Thankyou for enduring this long lasting & unpallatable gum chewing = life analogie

After all – It really is just some pricks piss poor poetry –

But then again – so it all is – it’s just the fancy packaging that makes you think otherwise.. .

“The First Of Many Quibbles About My Fellow Countrymen” (A Poem)

Too many NZ’ers like to believe in the madhouse thinking –

That everyone should get on like a house on fire,

Even if they are like ‘chalk & cheese’.

Worse – when the truth inevitably hits,

They think that this means the other person must be a jerk.

Only 3 yr olds are friends with all.

“The Ballad of The Overpriced Shandy” (A Poem)

And So To the Nearby-Bar-In-The-Other-Town I Did Go,

In My Trusty ‘Horseless Carriage’.

Also known as its shortened name – a “Car”

This Is a regular saturday jaunt of mine,

I go from a one-horse-town,

To another one-horse-town.

Or perhaps I should update the phrase & say “I went to a one-car-town”.

These are mostly Shandy, Books & Coffee & Boob-watching trips –

& by ‘Boobs’ I unfortunately mean the ‘people’ kind.

Yes, most people suck, but occasionally you get lucky.

So, this particular time I sling into the usual regular bar –

a slightly old fashioned working mans bar, but owned by recent immigrants.

The two bartenders that are there are damned good guys,

Guys that you know have a real heart beating in their chests.

But the boss is too – let’s just say his vibe doesn’t fill me with confidence.

The good boys at the bar usually give me a good & fair shandy price,

But I make a mistake & ask the owner for the same drink.

He gives me the usual inflated price.

I tell him it’s too expensive –

I say “I usually get it for Six Fifty – surely you can’t charge me the same for a full beer”

I add that he doesn’t pay excise tax on the half of the glass that is lemonade.

The owner looks at ‘good guy one’ next to his shoulder and asks “what do you charge”

‘Good guy number one’ agrees & says “Six Fifty”.

So, the owner, backed into a corner backs down @ gives me my usual Six Fifty price shandy.

Five minutes later I order from the Boss again.

He rings up Eight dollars.

I say “what gives”,

He simply ignores good grace & says “it’s Eight Dollars”.

I regrettibly cough up – with the half protest of raising my hands up in the air while saying “ok ok”.

He pours it, I take it, I drink it.

I thought to myself “I’m probably not coming back next time”.

I found it amazing that the owner was willing to lose a regular customer,

Just to save the one & a half dollars of an overpriced shandy.

That owner boob only valued my regular custom at $1.50.

I paid it anyway & drank it & left.

After I left, I thought about not coming back,

Then I felt extra sorry for those two good guys behind the bar.

I thought to myself “I really should help them get new jobs”.

As I left the stormy day suddenly turned sunny & drove home.

I thought to myself

“If only there were more bars in one-horse-towns”.

Then my actions could have a chance to live up to my principles & intensions.

Yes Siree! You sure give up a lot when drinking overpriced shandys in one-horse-towns.

“Cartels, Hamster Wheels & You” (A Poem)

by Martin Anton Smith

Deep down you know it’s not wise to work as a salaryman for a Cartel.

If your industry has no genuine competition – you are working for a Cartel.

The word ‘Cartel’ & “Self-Actualisation” are Oxymoronic.

Alas I also get it – as the Hamster Wheel called “The World” is a deft trickster

The trick is to know you are being tricked.

“The Honest Job Advertisement” (A Satirical Article)

By Martin A Smith

(Please Note This is Satire)

PoorUrbanPustuleTM is hiring we require the following types of people:

– Serfs
– The easily brainwashed
– Adults that still love a high school environment

PoorUrbanPustuleTM is based in Melbourne & is listed on the ASX with 100,000 employees. We have a Generous Salary on offer, relatively speaking of course – this means it is equally as bad as other fiefdoms with a huge number of employees.

We offer 4 weeks paid leave, but it is only ‘paid’ because we pay you lower for the rest of the year. We have GREAT Superannuation scheme which utilises a strategic partnership with “Black-Holio Asset Managment” – This means a bunch of sneaky Private Equity Goons will legally steal your money, which is why it only returns 5% per annum vs the ASX index long term average of 8% – but luckily, we have a great Propaganda team that stops you from knowing this.

You will have a Great Boss, NO sorry this does not mean they are GOOD or Likable or Professional – we mean his name is literally GREAT – “Bill Great” – we could tell you about him, but *our mothers* told us ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say about anyone, don’t say anything at all’.

We at P*U*P also have a Training Team to help you, the only problem is that they don’t know anything because they are afraid to leave the safety of their back offices & computer screens – but don’t worry – somehow you’ll figure it all out yourselves – have you ever seen the movie *The Lord Of The Flies*?

We also LOVE DIVERSITY – & as such we now have a Policy of hiring *No Ethnically European Males over 35*… on top of this is you have *blue hair* – you get a 5% pay increase no questions asked. On the second day you will meet our CEO – *Ivana Urcash* – she would have met you on the first day, but unfortunately this coincides with her *last day in jail*.

We have great facilities including *one toilet, two rolls of bog-roll (1 ply) & half a basin* – sorry this is due to a poor EBITA result last year due to foreign currency fluctuations – sure we probably shouldn’t have gambled 100% of last years earnings on those Dodgy Sub-Prime China Property Shares – but the online trading platform was created to be like an online Casino & our CFO lost his composure & was mesmerised by all the dings, bleeps & musical sounds (again)!

Finally, we would like to pour cold water (from our hot taps) on the rumour of ‘that strange smell coming out of PoorUrbanPultule’s floor’ – The news article in ‘The Age’ was egregiously defamatory in the max…to clarify: pegs handed out by HR to our employees were for fashion reasons only.
How do we at PoorUrbanPustuleTM see the world? Our motto says it all:

“We strive to make the world only slightly worse off than our next biggest competitor. This hasn’t happened yet – but we believe in the “Parallel Worlds Interpretation of the Universe”

APPLY NOW

(P.s. – Please bring a large Box to the interview – this will be the successful candidates new office)

“Fat, Aging, Bald Ugly, Recently Divorced With a Shitty Job – We Got This”(A Poem)

The heat was searing & so a swim in the nearby river was mandatory

I prefer to swim alone, I enjoy the amplified solitude of the cool rippling water

There’s nothing like jumping in & floating downstream for extended few minutes

If you get your float technique right, it’s as close to a “floating in space’ feeling as you’ll get.

Of course, the enjoyment is guaranteed to dissipate as you pass by the townsfolk.

The first townsfolk are teenage boys by the waterside trees – the yell “what are you doing”?

I say nothing but think “What do you think I’m doing – baking a cake?”

Next townsfolk – a fat guy with jet boat & three under 5’s with a big soda bottle

Nothing says townsfolk than having & using a jetboat over – regularly

Good on them for having fun, I’m just pointing out their extreme lack of originality –

But then again if they did something with original thought – they wouldn’t be townsfolk.

I’m guilty of sounding like a total snob here, so shame on me – let’s all agree on that.

And I have to also Posit that it is probably residual ‘worldliness’ that has still contaminated me.

That said – Now let me continue – where was I? Oh yes – the Townsfolk/Normie nexus.

Of course – I am also to blame for being in normie habitats –

Yes – you get meat from the butcher, Milk from the milkman & NPC crap from normies.

But wouldn’t it be cool if one day a normie on a jet boat picks up his beer-

swigs it down whole & then picks up Bukowski’s ‘Ham on Rye’?

If I ever see that I know that I must be dead already.

By now I sit on the seat in the public boat ramp area.

I’m nicely cool but am quickly drying out.

There is car with 2 guys wolfing down fried chicken like it’s their last meal before the gallows.

I thought to myself – why don’t you at least sit on the nice sunny empty picnic tables?

I guess it’s a sign that they are SSYFTNPC’s

STOCK STANDARD YOUNG FOREIGN TRAVELLING NON-PLAYING CHARACTERS

Time to leave – I do the town circuit home – by foot.

I get Fried Chicken & a Coffee on the return trip to my typewriter, which is also a computer.

If Hitler loved Fried Chicken no one would stop eating it – before, during & after the War.

Yes, It was a nice hour & a half or so – you don’t want to do these things all day –

It’s best as a refresher, as an antidote to anxiety or worries or boredom.

This town don’t have much social life – but it does have the outdoors & good weather.

Even the NPC’s know that enjoying the outdoors & good weather is a no brainer.

You’d be a fool to refuse it when it’s served up to you at no price.

A shitty town with great nature attractions is by definition not a shitty town.

In fact I should mount a campaign to make last line as my towns new slogan.

Said three times & plasted as the arrival sign for incoming travellers.

So back to my main theme…I guess I now have a title for this Poem:

“Swimming, Beer & Sunshine – Loved By Hack Poets & Bogans Alike”

Sorry – I forgot to tell you that I chugged some cold beers before & after my soiree.

If a man has nothing – at least he’ll always have some beers.

Now that’s a good advertising slogan.

or the more particular version:

“Fat, Aging, Bald, Ugly, Recently Divorced With a Shitty Job – We Got This”

But then it will never catch on – after all the World hates the Truth doesn’t it?

But it’s certainly good enough to make it to the new title of this Poem.

Now It’s Time This jaded old fool had a beer.

“How It Went Wrong With Yippy Y’Pong” (A Poem)

by Martin Anton Smith

I once met a girl called Yippy Y’Pong,
Or Y Y for short, which incidentally, she was.
O ‘culture wars’ did untie this fragile ‘Knot’.
Yes, We got what we got,
& we got the lot.
The Disagreements were decidedly epic;
The passive aggressiveness?
It was unfortunately unwaveringly,
underminingly uncomfortable.

So sadly, we soon divorced our special friendship.
The worry in the aftermath,
was equal in worth to mathematical infinity.
Yes – with My heart being so broken,
My formerly beefy baritone voice,
Became so softly & squeakily spoken.

My heart thus being swiftly & unyieldingly smashed,
Went from foppish aflutter to apoplectic palpitation.
So perilous was this heartless fact,
Its stringy moorings were no longer in-tact.
yes -it did Olympically jump out my chest,
& splattered downwards into the gruesome dingey gutter,
& Then fell down the dangling dirty depths of A sidewalk drain.

I stood wounded, literally heartless & dispiritingly dejected,
& Without much words or even a low decibel mutter.
I stood ‘stoopily’ with unevenly hunched shoulders.
Of course, it goes without saying: I was unhappy –
Suckered into being exquisitely, surgically, psychologically, ‘undone’.
Even worse the victor was watching my unravelling: it was Yippy Y’Pong
Just standing there watching, with a uneven smirk,
laughing when my heart rattled downwards with a
“Da Doink Da Doink Da Doink”.

And here’s the point:
O why O why
Did I Choose someone called
Yippy Y’Pong?
With her ‘worldliness’ in tow?
Alas! I was drunk with on Love!
Blinded by dead doves.
To her,
My flights of fancy,
were far more than just chancy,
They were deadly:
I might not just bore her to death,
I might have opened her eyes to something,
she had until now failed to see.
A dangerous idea that just simply couldn’t be.

“A Trip To The Two-Sided Town” (A Poem)

by Martin Anton Smith martinantonsmith@gmail.com

Post Covid – the ‘Sneak Aways’ had all but ‘dried up’.

Prior to all the madness,

As orchestrated by the Politician ‘Bond Villain’ control freaks,

That not only litter the landscape, but carve it up,

Via slights of hand & its extension – the Missile.

Yes – The regular ‘Sneakaway’ jaunts did flow smoothly,

As did the hazy ales & Burger Joint meals.

As did the Rock ‘N’ Roll tunes,

Played by many the lesser known,

Young but also more known & aging,

‘Semi Traveling Wilberrys’.

And the ‘Sneakaways’ always ended as they should:

Half content & half disorientated,

That comes with visitation to mass transit points,

Aka locales of ‘Spiritual Vortexes & Clandestine Battlefields’

Yes – these are ‘The Sneakaways’

The Spots Where There Are Always & Many

Souls for someone to save.

I did take my modern-day petrol eating horseless wagon,

And parked it by the lake – where later I would later rest my head.

The Pool Joint I did end up.

To cut a too long Poem shorter,

It contained the following:

Ten Big Pool Tables

Pizza’s

30 odd Patrons – aka The ‘New Age Gold Diggers’,

The Ones Working in Low Wage Hospo & Labouring & Paying a Tonne For Rent-

i.e half the town & three quarters of the most visible town-walkers

These “most visible town-walkers” are not mining gold any more but are mining ‘experiences’.

But in Truth, the real reasons they are here – will only crystallise years later – after deep life introspection.

When ‘Old Father Time’ strips away all the smoke & haze & thus reality can emerge with perfect clarity.

Yes – here I am in the Pool Bar.

As an aging semi-life-experienced fella, I begun dishing out ‘how the world works’ epithets –

Which were lapped up by these scattered young men, who all pine for the fatherly & brotherly guidance,

That they probably, almost certainly never got.

I Of course, didn’t mind playing the role, as I played Pool & chugged the affordable beers.

But I ask you – what single, childless 45-year-old man wouldn’t?

He would & does for himself – and he helps heal some wounds as the by-product.

I mean it’s far easier & immediately rewarding AND entertaining than being

A a REAL DAD or even a Older Brother.

It Is All reward with ZERO risk.

The Pool night was short sharp & fun & over fast,

A few of us even talked about “If God Exists or not” topic.

Half agreed & Half didn’t.

I found the ratio quite surprising, for a town like this.

After the Pool Bar,The rest of the trip was just sleeping & waking to a semi officious voice:

“Are you living in your car”,

She said to me as I stood outside my car.

“No I live in the other town, I’m just up for a rest”, I said

“Oh ok we are filming a documentary on the housing crisis down here” – she said chirpilly.

“I don’t see it changing – unless they build totally new hermeticalluy sealed towns” I said.

“I think you’re right” she said.

I drove away & left the scene, realising how lucky I am these days.

For I begrudgingly must admit to myself,

I am now probably a ‘Have’ but was formerly a ‘Have Not’.

And I could now simply ‘drive out of it all’.

But the new age gold diggers & car sleepers here cannot do this –

& I ask ‘who will save them’?

It seems no one who is wedded to this earth is willing to.

because they are ok, & human nature is to be selfish

& That, in a nutshell, is why suffering occurs in this world of bounty –

Millennia after millennia.

And maybe that problem is why, perhaps – I keep visiting.

A force compels me to ‘sneak away’ to the two-sided,

Spiritually Warfare’d,

Poorly Welfare’d

Ex Gold Mining,

‘Car Sleeping’

Escapist

Shiney

‘Bountified’

Two-Sided Town.

“A Boost From The Future – A Time Travel Tale” (A Short Story)

By Martin Anton Smith martinantonsmith@gmail.com

Tom Lister Is the Captain & Owner Of The 23rd Century Starship “Betelgeuse Mk 7”. He & His Crew Are On Their Latest Mission, Which In This Case Is Planet Earth, In The Distant Past. Tom Is Making His Initial In-Situ Report After Being Beamed Down To Earth From The Orbiting Spacecraft By The Ships Second In Command – Telly The Humanoid Pleiadian Life Form. Captain Tom Relies Heavily On Telly – For His Advanced Non-Human Analyical Abilities. Tom & The Crew Of Beteleuse Mk 7 Typical Mission Is To Interfere Constructively In The Histories Of Rogue Backward Civilisations. Are Kept In Check From Spiraling Out Of Control Due To their Emotionality & War-Like Dispositions. These Missions Utilise Time Travel To Moments Where The Planet Is In Crisis Or Critical Turning Points Which Could, Left Unchecked Threaten The Galactic Order Of Advanced Civilisations.. We Now Join Captain Tom Lister Of Betelgeuse Mk 7.

“This Is The Captains Log Of Tom Lister, Captain Of The Starship Betelgeuse Mk7. I Have…Landed… Far Back…Into Earths History… I Am Amongst This Small…… 12ft Square Room…It Seems Like Early-To-Mid 21St Century Earth …There Are Empty Beer Cans Littered On the Floor…The Striking Thing Is The Amount Of What Earth People Once Called “Books”. These Were The Devices Human’s Used To Disseminate Commentary On Their Social Condition, In One Way Or Another.

Tom Picked Up A Handfull Of Books On the Floor:

Plato’s Timaes

Henry Bukowski – Ham On Rye

Edward Gibbon – The Rise & Fall Of The Roman Empire

Stephen Hawking – A Brief History of Time

Thomas Kuhn – The Structure Of Scientific Revolutions

Kafka – A Collection of Short Stories

Tom thought to Himself: “Judging By These Books, & All The Others Strewn About – The Inhabitant of The Studio Flat Was Definitely A Independently Minded & Cerebral Character – Perhaps That’s His Problem”

” The Room Is Cluttered With Much More Strange Things, Other Than The Books. There Are These Things Called “Electric Guitars” Propped Against The Corners…There is A Tall Black Tower Emitting What Seems To Be Loud Cacophony Type Music…There Is An Unmade Bed, But It Looks Like It Was Slept In Recently…There Is A Shelf Full Of Small Plastic Containers Containing Disk Like Things….There Is Hieroglyphic Like Art On the Containers..& Writing On the Disks…There Is A Dank Musty Smell & Dust Flakes Dancing In the Sunlight…That Is Sliding Through A Crack In This Thing Covering A Window…..There Are Men’s Clothes Lying On the Ground…Many Trousers On The Floor That Almost Look As If Someone Has Beamed Out Of Them Instantly.”

Tom Now Engaged Telly, Who Was On The Ship Overhead And Awaiting Tom’s Communication.

” Telly….Do You Have A Reading On This Place From the Holo-History-Log Yet?”

Telly Advised Tom:

“Captain, I Have Searched The History Database Of Your Location…”It Seems You Have Landed In The Studio Apartment Of One Hank Schmidt In The Year 2034…He Was A Little Known And Aging ‘Neo-Beatnik’. Primarily He Was An Underground Writer Who Gained A Cult Following Among The Numerous Disaffected Youths & Also The Ranks of The ‘Older & Forgotten’…. His Work Was Always Fictionalised – But Contained Truthful Descriptions Of Earth’s Social, Political & Economic Landscape….This ‘Fictionalisation Of The Truth’ Was Also How He Avoided His Surveillance & Capture By Those In Various Levels Of The 21st Century Earth’s By Now Well Advanced Corrupted Authority …… In His Works, He Described The Fascist World Government & Its Efforts To Curtail Basic Freedoms…..His Work, Words & Wisdom Later Becoming Popular With The Rebel Movement That Attempted To Topple The Fascist World Govt…This Rebel Movement & Army Were Eventually Known As “The Return Battalion” – The Name Symbolising A Return To The Freedom That They Had Always Imagined Was Indeed Actually Possible….”

Telly Continued To Describe This Timeline & Betelgeuse’s Now Emerging Mission

“The “Return Battalion” Emerged As A Fighting Force Around The Year 2139, But Not Before the Devastation Of A Nuclear 3rd World War Had Already Broken Out, Devastated The Earth, & Set It Back Back Centuries…..The Rebels Of ‘The Return Battalion” Were Tough, But Were Fighting Over the Scraps Of A Burnt-Out World…. Captain…I Believe Our Mission is To Find Hank Schmidt & Give Him Vital Prior Information About Earth’s World Fascist Government’s Plans & Their Key Technology… Thus Aiding In Its Toppling By The Rebels, And In Doing So, Avoiding The Nuclear World War Altogether.

Captain Tom Replied.

“Thank You Telly, Your Analysis is Fantastic, How Certain Are You Of This”

“I Calculate The Odds At 99.784% Captain”.

“Thanks Telly, And I Agree – That’s IS Our Mission”.

It Was At That Point Tom Stepped Onto Some Dirty Underwear & Heard A Toilet Flushing, Followed By the Sound Of Weary Footsteps On A Tile Floor. While Standing On A Pair Of Hank’s Dirty Underwear, He Found It Hard to Believe He Was About To Meet The Spiritual Leader Of A The Return Rebellion, The Organization That Slowly Won Control Of The Post Earth WW3 Era & Had Sown the Seeds For Tom & The Betelgeuse’s Existence In the 23rd Century. Tom Made A Pact To Himself He’d Not Show Any Outwardly Signs Of Nervousnous.

Because The Ship’s Beaming Down Process Only Allowed Living Tissue To Be Beamed Without Accompanying Non-Living Items – Tom Was Standing Naked. He Quickly Grabbed An Old Coat & Pants From the Floor, & Hurriedly Put Them On. He Then Attempted To Muss His Far-Too-Short, ‘Short Back & Sides’ Hair Up.

Tom Looked Around For Something To Confirm That He Was Indeed In Hank Schmidt’s Apartment – He Saw A Bunch Of Opened Letters Pinned Top The Wall – All Publisher Replied Rejection Letters To A Writer Named Hank Schmidt. Tom Released A Sigh – The Beaming Process Had Worked Well – Sometimes Due To Quantum Fluctuations – It Didn’t And He’d Have To High Tail Out Of Wherever He Was.

Hank Thought Quickly – He’s Needed To Look Like A Fan Of Hanks – He Scanned The Bookshelves That Lined The Room. He Saw A Shelf With About Ten Books On It, All With Hank Smith Written On The Spines. He Grabbed One At Random – It Was A Book Of Hanks Sci-Fi Short Stories.

Hank Schmidt Finally Appeared From the Bathroom, He Saw Tom, He Was Startled, But Not Amazingly So. Given Hank Had A Cult Following, This Kind Of Thing Was Now Happening More & More.

It Used To Annoy Him, But He Realised That A Good Writer Can’t, Try As They May, Live In A Vacuum: Writers Inevitably Create ‘Committed Fans’ When They Successfully Create A Great Piece Of Writing. He Accepted That Brute Fact.

When Hank Saw Tom, He Assumed It Was Just Another Beatnik Who Liked His Philosophy & Was Appearing At His Door, Or Even In His Room. But He Was Slightly Suspicious, As He Sensed Tom Was Cleaner Cut Than His Usual Fan – After All Tom Had The Military Haircut Of Short Back & Sides & His Face Looked Different To Any Male Fan’s He’d Ever Seen – That Is, Well Shaved, Alert, And Focussed.

To Captain Tom, Hank Schmidt Looked Quite Dishevelled & Hungry, Was Bearded, And Tall With A Small But Discernable Aire Of Confidence. His Mind Was Now Being Well Jogged – He Now Remembered He Had Studied Hank In His ‘Earth History’ Class, At The Academy.

The Two Of Them Were Facing Off For A Few Too Many Seconds Without Words Spoken. Tom Snapped Out Of His Mini-Trance When He Saw The Unease In Hank’s Eyes, He Moved To Remedy It, To Allay His Suspicions. Thinking Quickly Tom Said:

“Hi Hank Sorry To Bother You, The Door Was Open….I’m A Big Fan, Can You Sign This Book?”.

Hank Showed Signs Of Relief.

“Sure – You Like Short Stories? Who Should I Make It Out To……Hey Is That My Jacket You’re Wearing??”

Tom Squirmed Just A Little.

“Er…Yes, Sorry I Was Cold…Hope You Don’t Mind – I’m From A Warm Climate”.

Hank Smiled, He Found The Off-Beat-ness Of It All Quite Charming & He Had A Heap Of Old Jackets Anyway. His Fans Had Sneaked A Lot Of His Clothes Over The Years.

Tom Smiled Confidently, He Knew He’d Be Able to Help Hank Schmidt’s & The Rebel’s Cause. All Going Well, This Mission Back Into Earths History Would Keep Most Of The Good Parts Of Hank’s Future Post WW3 Rebellion World, & Far Lessen The Massive Amounts Of Deaths, Damage & Destruction. But Tom Knew There Were No Guarantees When Engaged In Time Travel To Change The Past

Tom Then Had An Mini Stress Attack, His Thoughts Raced – Would, In Taking On This Mission They Destroy Their Own Future Existence? Would This Create A Paradox That Would Sabotage The Plan? Would Tom Find Himself Literally Fading Into Invisibility, & Re-emerging Into Another Life, Another Name, Another Job In Another Timeline?

Tom Calmed Himself – He Realized That With This Time Jump Being Only Two Hundred Odd Years The ‘Time Travell Divergence Effect’ Could Only Be Tiny – Perhaps 0.5% Tops. He Scolded Himself For Forgetting This And For Letting His Emotions Fly.

Hank Signed The Book.

“So Fella, What Was Your Favourite Story Of Mine From this Book?”

Tom Thought Quickly – Of Course He’s Never Read it Before, Having Covertly Just Picked It Up Off Hank’s Own Shelf.

“Ah…Yes, I Really Liked The Story About The Alien Base – It Really Made Me Think”.

Tom’s Strategy of Vagueness Had Worked Well.

“Oh Yeah, That Was One Of My Good Ones – After All, With The Moon Being Tidally Locked To The Earth It’s A Great Place To Observe Us Boobs On Earth Clandestinely – I Wouldn’t Be Surprised if that Story I Came Up With Is True After All…..Hey What Your Name Buddy”?

“Cap……Er Tom Lister…Sorry Hank, Cap Was My Old High-School Nickname…Make It Out to Tom”

Despite The Slight Slip Up of Almost Calling Himself ‘Captain Tom Lister’, He Was Happy In Not Hiding His Real Name. There Was No Need To Make Up A Fake Name, He Was A Temporary Visitor From The Far Distant Future – He Had No Current Earth Bound Life To Protect – & The Small Divergence Factor Was In His Favour Anyway -So Long As he Wasn’t Killed That Is.

Hank Signed The Inside Cover. It Read:

To Tom, Wishing You Happy Galactic Travails & The Successful Avoidance Of The Bad Guys

– Hank Schmidt September Twenty Two 2034

The Irony Of Hank’s Inscription Was Not Lost On Tom.

Hank Schmidt Pointed To The Shabby Threadbare But So Comfy Looking Seat In The Corner Of the Room & Said:

“Sit Down Tom & Tell Me About Yourself”.

Tom Duly Sat Down, But Did So As If He’d Never Seen A Old Comfy Recliner Before -Which Of Course, He Hadn’t.

“Oh, I’m Just From out Of Town & Heard About Your Ideas – I Just Thought I’d Grab Your Ear – So To Speak…And Your Signature Of Course”.

Tom Smiled Warmly, Non-Threateningly.

Taking The Opportunity To Set The Conversation – Hank Set The Opening Topic.

“Ok Well, Sure, I Got Some Ideas Let’s Start With What’s Wrong With This Place – This Madhouse On the Outskirts Of The Milky Way – Buckle Up Son Were in For A Long Night – But We Do Have Beer!”

Hank Cracked One Open For Himself & Threw One Across the Room To Tom. He Took A While to Open It But With the Low Lighting Hank Didn’t Notice.

“Oh, I Have All the Time In the World” Tom Said As He Sheepishly Tasted The Beer & Successfully Hid His Dissatisfaction.

Hank Sat Also In An Old Comfy Seat, Crossed Legged With Beer In Hand, Stroking His Beard & Holding His Beer Can Taking The Odd Big Slug As He Regaled his Thoughts.

“Ok, Well Tom, Let Me Think The Tipping Point Came In 1984, That’s When The Return Of Fascism Truly Begun In Earnest…We Thought We’d Beaten It For Good A Few Decades Earlier, But It Truth It Was Just Laying Dormant- Waiting To Strike Again!”

Hank Slugged Back the Last Dregs & Dropped His Beer Can On the Floor, Where It Clanked Next To The Thirty Odd Yesterdays Empty Cans. Hank’s Favourite Branded Beer Was Called “Lugenfield Ale”.

Hank Continued. His Monologue.

“You See Tom, The Big Change Became Noticeable In The 1980’s. There Was An Old WW2 Vet & B-Grade Actor Called Randy Rippenstein…..He Was Put Office By The Cartels…..He Would Be Their Pre-Approved Puppet….The Same As All the Other Leaders Of The Western Nations…Through The Cover Of the “Democratically Elected Puppets’ – The Bastards Would Systematically Attack the Bulk Of The Population – the Ave Joes Living Paycheck To Paycheck.

The Bastards Attacked Their Affordable Housing, Their Airy Workplaces, Their Mostly Un-technologically Surveilled Cities…Slowly by Way Of “A Thousand Cuts” They Created A Techno Fascist State – That is, 90% Of Todays World – There Are Precious Few Nooks & Crannys Of Freedom Left, Luckily I Am Good At Finding Them – Hence Why You Are Here With Me Having A Beer – Totally Unmolested.”

He Continued After Slugging Back Another Beer & Throwing The Last On The Ever Growing Pile.

Hank Continued With Tom Listening Politely & Intently, Taking The Odd Small Sip.

“This New Leadership Structure Was Created With The Aim Of Doing Away With The Meddlesome Home Owning, Car Driving, Middle Classes. You See Tom They Were Created In Their Hundreds of Millions After The Last Big War – When The Social Strategy Followed Was Socialism Mixed With Capitalism”.

Hank Took Another Slug, Wiped His Dripping Mouth & Continued.

“……After Getting Rid Of Temporary Post War Freedoms, They Rekindled The Traditional Lord-Serf-Slave System, With Obviously A Few Soulless Faux Elites As The Worlds Omnipotent Rulers. Their Goal Was To Create A Technocratic Surveillance State Which They Openly Called ‘Neo-Feudalism’. In Essence This Was Billions Now Captured In Slavery, With A Perhaps A Thousand Slave-Masters That Lived With Opulence, Freedom & Impunity.”

Tom Listened Intently & Pretended To Sip. Hank Again Finished The Last Can & Started Another, This Time Throwing It Behind His Head, And Thus Clanking On Top Of Another Empty. He continued His Thoughts.

“Above The Frontline Slave Masters, In Hierarchical Tiered Fashion, Would Be Regionalized & National Governer Kings, & Of Course A Supreme Ruler – And While Prima Facie, This Man Was An Earths Creation, This Ruler Became Dependant On An Artificially Intelligent Advisor. This Entity Was & Is Ruled In Fact By The Realms Of Supernatural Darkness, Not Being Of This Earth. They- The Faux Elite Slave Masters – Thought It Was A Computer Run By Intelligent Software -But That Was Just The Mask, The Robbery, Swindle – You See Tom Despite Their PHD’s & Masters Degrees – They Are Too Dumb To Know What These AI Things Are – They Are Pandora’s Box Unleashed.”

Hank Again Threw Away & Grabbed Another Beer, Exactly As Before. Tom Forced Himself A Slug, Which This Time Seem To Taste Better That The First Few, He Felt Strangely Warm. Hank Continued His Monologue.

“To Cut A Long Story Short Tom, These Guys Are Like The Old Fascists, Risen Again, Learning From Their Mistakes, A Millionfold Wiser To The Threats Against Them, Are Far Better Propagandists, Richer & A Billion Times More Ruthless – You See Tom, My Books & Short Stories Are Simply A Warning – I Am Just Trying To Use The Cover Of Fiction To Tell Everyone About It -I’m Trying To Break Through the Brainwashed Glazed Eyes, I’m Trying To Slowly De-Zombify A Few People Here & There. It’s Hard Tom, I’m Fighting Decades of Successful Programming – 90% Of People Are Like Docile Cows, When It Gets To 99%, I Think There Can Be No Kernal Of Critical Mass Left To Form The Rebellion We Need – Every Snowflake Needs Its Speck Of Dust”.

Hank Grabbed Another Beer, this Time Adjusting His Scarf & Glasses, Finger Combing His Shoulder Length Hair, And Pulling Up His Loose Beltless Trousers. He Looked Straight At Tom.

“So Tom, My Mysterious Out Of Towner, Book Lover With A Crew Cut, What Do You Think – Do You Agree With Me So Far? Or Do Think I’m A Crackpot?”

While Waiting For Tom’s Reply, Hank Then Reached Over To The Coffee Table To His Left, & Placed the Needle Down On Record Player, & The Classical Music Of Brahms Drifted To Their Ears. He Threw Hank A New Beer.

Tom Sat Back, Threw The Empty Beer Back Over His Head & Caught the Next Beer Thrown to Him, Cracked It Open & Slugged It Back Heartily, Mimicking Hank Perfectly.

“No, You’re Not Crazy Or A Crackpot – I Think Your Assessment & Portrayal Of Earth In This year Of 2034 is Accurate – That’s Why i Love Your Writing – But Excuse Me Before You Tell Me More, I Must Use The Bathroom, This Beer Is Bursting My Bladder!”.

Tom Got Up But While On His Way He Kicked A Random Book From The Boheme Detritus Laden Floor – It Moved Towards Hank Who Noticed It & A Quizzical Look Moved Over His Bearded Face – For He Didn’t Recognize That Book Cover At All -It Was As If It Had Been Planted There Secretly, Beamed Down You Might Say.

Hank Cracked Open Another Beer & Waited For Tom to Return From the Bathroom. He Waited Five, Ten & Twenty Minutes. He Downed One, Two Beers, Three Beers, & Listened To The Whole “Side B” Of The Record. Finally Running Out Of Patience, He Went To The Bathroom Door, He Knocked & Yelled Out.

“Yo Tom! You Givin’ Birth In There?…We Still have So Much to Discuss- And Drink!”

There Was No Answer.

He Rapped Louder.

Again, No Answer, No Noise.

“Hey Man, I’m Comin’ In to See If You’re Ok Man”.

Hank Opened The Door To The Open-Windowed Mouldy Old Bathroom, Tom Was Nowhere to Be Seen. But Hank Saw Tom’s Clothes Were On The Ground, As Well As The Book Tom Had Asked Him To Sign.

He Chuckled As He Thought To Himself Out Loud “Wow He…He….Climbed Out the Window…Oh Well….Man What A Square, He Couldn’t Handle My Simple Truths. But Why Did He Take Off His, I Mean My Clothes That He Was Wearing?”

Hank Went Back To His Beer Seat, Not Overly Perturbed At Tom’s Sudden Disappearance – He Enjoyed The Out-Of-The Ordinary-ness Of the Situation – And After All, He Could Use It As ‘Idea Fodder’ For The Next Short Story.

Hank Sat And Cracked Open Another Lugenfield, Then He Saw The Book That Tom Had Kicked. It Wasn’t One he’d Written Or Acquired. It Was A Thick Thousand Page White Covered Paperback With The Title In Thick Black Times Roman Font it Simply Read:

NERO’S NEW PLANSA New Rejigged Roman Empire To Rule 21st Century Earth

Hank Flicked Through It, He Soon Saw that It Was Essentially A Battleplan. It Had Future Dates, Maps, Chapters With the Following Titles: “Schematics Of The Invisible Thought Control Weapons”, “Mass Prison Containment”, “Microwave Based Disablement”, “Viruses Planted To Enable Rollout Of Human Brain Chip Technology”.

The Books Body Had Detailed Descriptions Of How To Win A New War Against The People. It Would Unfold Via A Neo Feudal Techno Fascist System. Instead Of Being Manned By Deeply Flawed Human Roman Soldiers , It Would Be Supercharged Via An Army Of Never-Tired, Super-Intelligent, Cheaply-Run, Artificial Intelligence Software Bots & Embodied Robots.

On Hand 24-7 the AI Tyranny System Would Advise, Punish, Report & Surveil. The Book Mentioned & Outlined What Seemed to Be The Secret Weapon Of It All – A Nuclear Powered Core Housing A 10 Million Point IQ Prime AI Advisor, That Was Hooked up To A Giant Series of Networked Underground Feeder Mainframes.

Thanks to Tom, Telly & The Crew Of Betelgeuse Mk 7, The Future Fascist Earth Battleplans & Tech Blueprints Had Fallen Into Enemy Hands – Hank’s. He Frantically Flipped Through The Pages For A Published In Date – He Found It. It Said Published In 2035 By Centurian Spear Press.

Hank’s Book-Holding Hands Trembled As the Realisation Set In. This Book Was From the Future! It Was The Real Deal.

Hank Then Turned To The Last Chapter – It Detailed The AI Computer Code That Would Make The Perfect Tyranny All Possible – It Was The Code That The Supreme AI Supercomputer Would Use – To Directly Create Plant Fascist Friendly ‘ThoughtWaves’ Into The Unwitting Pre-Microchipped Heads of The Masses.

Hanks’s Brain Was Being Blown, But he Was too Wise To Let It Rattle Him. He Knew This Was What He Had Been Waiting For – Without really knowing It. It Was The Gift To Allow A New Organised Rebellion to Form.

Hank Now Thought Strategy. He Could Re-Write The Book As A Rebels Handbook, In A Series Of Coded Short Sci-Fi Stories. With His Information They’d Be Able To Predict Expertly All the War Moves Of the Enemy & Destroy the AI Mega Beast Before It Was Built, Secured & Functional.

Even So, He Threw The Book Behind Him Like It Was Any Other Than His. It Landed With A Thick THUD. Hank Promised Himself He’d Start Work On Operational Plans Tomorrow. For Now He Wanted To Get Some Final Relaxation – After All Writers Are Creatures Of Habit. He’d Be A Busy Man For the Next Two Years At Least. He Was Resigned To his Fate & Duty To the Future.

His Near Future Was Now Crystallised To The Mammoth Task At Hand. To Begin The Writing Sessions To Create The Yet-Formed Rebellion’s First Volume Handbook -All Coded As Entertaining Short Stories. He Knew He Would Write The Words To Save Earth. Now He Would Grab The Last Chance To Relax Before Tomorrow.

Hank Put On Some Rachmaninov On the Record Player. He Reached Behind Himself & Cracked Open Another Lugenfield & Took A Full Can Emptying Slug. He Looked At The Can, It Looked Slightly Different. Then He Noticed What Was Different – The Writing Had Mysteriously Changed To “Lugendorf”. He Jumped Up Off His Chair – Staring At The Can, Then Fell To His Messy Floor & Grabbed Can After Can to Check The Labels – All Said “Lugendorf” Instead Of “Lugenfield”. He Knew Then That The World Had Changed A Little, He Also Knew This Had A Lot to Do With His Recently Disappearing Guest – Tom.

Meanwhile Tom Had Returned To The 23rd Century. He Was On the Bridge Of The Betelgeuse. These Were Always Stressful Moments – Where He Would Turn To Telly & Ask Him To Look At The Future History Log, So As To Confirm If Their Mission Was Successful Or A Failure.

Telly Went Into The Holo-History Log For Earth In the Year 2055 – By Then He Figured Hank’s Rebellion War Would Be Over, With the Winners Firmly Ensconced. He Put The Screen In Holographic Mode. He Zoomed Into Italy, Then The Vatican City – There Were No Buildings – It Was Now A Giant Park With Weeping Willow Trees, Mighty Oaks And A Huge Artificial Lake – There Were Tourists Walking Along the Paths Walking At Leisure. Now He Zoomed Into Washington DC, Capitol Hill. It Was Entirely Gone And In its Place Was A Giant Field, Full Of Poppys, Water Features & A Monument.

“Zoom In On That Monument Telly”, Said Captain Tom.

“Yes Captain”

The Hologram Showed The Statues In Great Detail. it Was Of A Tall Dishevelled Man With A Scarf, Tatty Coat, Wearing Glasses & Had Shoulder Length Hair. The Statue Was Holding An Open Book, Outstretched In His Hand. In The Other Hand He Clutched An Open Can Of Beer. At the Statues Feet There Were Many Empty Half Crumpled Empty Beer Cans.

Tom Sighed In Relief, As He Knew The Rebels Had Won. He Plopped Exhaustedly In His Bridge Command Chair & Looked Wearily At Telly, Who Had turned Off the Holographic Image.

“Where Too Next Telly?”

“Captain -Are you Slipping? Don’t you Remember? We Have 3 Weeks R & R In The Trappist Star System, On The Planet 1-E, Chosen For It’s Low Light, Water World-ness, Oxygenated Air & Semi Tropical Temperatures – It’s Only 41 Light Years From Earth, We Will Be There In 3 Warp-Drive-Hours .”

Tom Beamed A Giant Planetoid Sized Smile.

“Great Telly – So Long As Their No Early 21st Century, Machiavellian Earthlings I’m Happy. Put On Some Rachmaninov Will You – Oh & Materialise Me Some Of That ‘Lugenfield’ Beer Will You””

“That’s Right Captain Sir – The Planet Trappest 1-E of the Aquarius Constellation, Is Uninhabited For Another 5017.9 years…..And Your Lugendorf Beer, From The Last Mission is Materialising Now In Your Hand. Lugenfield Has Unfortunately Ceased To Have Ever Existed”

“Ok Telly, Good Work – I Only Hope It Tastes The Roughly Same As It Did In Hank Schmidt’s Dank Studio in 21st Century Earth.”

“Well, It Can’t Possibly Be That Different Sir – The Distortions In The Reality Field Displacement On Our Missions Are The Best Currently Possible”.

“Touche Telly, Touche”

The Beer Materialises & Captain Tom Takes A Slug, His Facial Expression Is One Of Brief Doubt & Then Pure Pleasure – Marked by An Ear To Ear Smile. He Chugs the Rest, Then Throws the Empty Can Behind Him & Over His Head. The Can Hits The Floor, & The Ships Waste Removal System Slowly Dematerialises It.

Tom Had One More Request For the Journey.

“Telly, Why Don’t You Materialise Me One Of Hanks Books, Let’s Start With That One He Signed For Me In His Apartment – I Really Should Read That”

“Yes Captain”.

The Book Materialised In Tom’s Hands, He Opened It & Started Reading.

THE END

“(Enter “Filler” Here)” ( A Poem)

By Martin Anton Smith

It Has Been 4 Weeks Since The Last Material.

This Is Called A Quasi-Writers Block Period.

So What’s A Hack Poet To Do?

Well My Fine Un-Feathered Friend,

The Answer Is to “Release Filler”.

This Is A Time Honored Practise,

Of The More Spotted Immature Hack Artiste,

Which Is 99.99% Of Us.

Yes – this Is the “Filler” – That Has Become “Stock”.

“Filler” That Has Been Around Since Adam

Started Drawing Doodles In the Sand

Thanks To Eve Biting The Apple Of Knowledge.

After That, I’m Sure By The Next Week He Said

“Man I think My Material Has Taken A Dive”.

Thus We Latter Day Fools Are Simply Recreating The Folly.

the Last thing To Say On Filler Is This:

The Secret Is To Recognise That Stuff That “Isn’t Filler”,

Such As

The First Terminator Movie

The Beatles

The Post War Economic Boom

A Supermodel

A Sunrise

Is Actually “Filler” Too.

The World Is A Well Disguised Hodgepodge Of “Filler” –

This Poem Being A Simple Example Of That Fact.

Oh & One More Thing – The Easiest Way To Spot Filler –

Is It Contains An Obvious Glib & Banal Final Couple Of Toots.

Although Perhaps I Am Wrong,

After All – Isn’t It True That One Man’s “Filler”,

Is Another Man’s “Killer”?

(Enter Sound the Effect Of The Trumpet of Defeated-ness Here)