“Excuse Me – My Nose Is Gettin’ Thirsty” (A Poem + Bonus Material)

by Anton Martin Smith Antonmartinsmithwrites@gmail.com or Martinantonsmith@gmail.com

Don’t tell anyone this.

You better not.

Or else their will be galactic trouble.

You will suffer If you spill the beans!

Ok here it is – the big reveal:

I am not human.

I am an alien from a distant star system.

I came here to raise the consciousnes of human being everywhere.

It was going to be the defining moment of human existence.

But I am sorry, I got derailed from the plan.

I stopped into one of your pubs and started drinking beer.

Then I noticed the attractive human females dancing.

I forgot my mission entirely.

And what’s worse?

It’s now twenty years later from that fateful day.

I’ve become addicted to this swill, and the these now well aged hags.

My glorious mission and prior cosmic repectability has bitten the dust.

And so I have became just another loser sitting on a barstool,

Telling another loser just exactly how he became a loser.

What’s that you say?

Your story is almost the same?

But instead you are from the Scutum-Centaurus Arm instead of the Perseus?

Fuck!

We fellow Milky Way aliens have really gone down in the world lately haven’t we?

These human beings are a very bad influence on us.

Yes yes yes – I agree – we were wrong to try to increase their consciousness to a higher plane.

Yes yes yes – I agree – we should have just vaporized them from afar.

Oh well, never mind.

Let’s just raise a drink of swill to being depressed aliens in forever exile on a totally fucked-up planet.

Oh I’m glad you agree.

Now out of interest – which of these funny dancing hags do you like the best?

Is it the fat, short, smelly partly bald one to my right that’s holding my hand,

Or is it the tall, hollow-cheeked, bug-eyed and buck toothed one sitting on your lap?

I guess we could always swap.

After all we’ve lost all respect for ourselves.

Ah isn’t it sad – our home planets have shunned us for our rank immorality.

Yes yes I agree – at least we fit in perfectly with the Earth crowd.

Oh glee! Oh rapture! We merry few galactic losers!

Sinking pints and a-choosin’ human hags!

Hazaar to the Humans!

Oh hey…did you see that – that human just pulled out their cock out then puked on that bouncer.

My word these folks are something else!

I’m so glad I’m exiled here and not on the teetotaller Andromeda system.

Now is it my round or yours?

Oh and one more thing – Isn’t it weird?

I’ve been drinking this swill through my dugong shaped nose all this time –

And no one’s batted an eyelid for a full twenty years!

Not a once my Scutum-Centares friend!

Ahh yes…I hear you well and good…yes I agree totally –

They like phallocentric shaped things of all shapes and sizes.

But is it too much to ask that an abusive drunken fool call me ‘dicknose’ once in a blue moon?

After all – I would really appreciate the attention.

I can’t just sit here by myself having conversations with an empty barstool like you forever you know.

Now excuse me – my nose is gettin’ thirsty.

Bonus Material: Let’s see what the new WordPress AI Podcast BOT says about “Excuse me my nose is gettn’ thirsty’

“Bouncing Through The Wringer” (A Novella)

by Anton Martin Smith antonmartinsmithwrites@gmail.com or martinantonsmith@gmail.com

I am about to leave what is known in the business as the ‘pre-live environment’. To imperfectly describe it – it is a non-physical world. A world where theory is a very real thing – in fact it’s is all there is. It is a cold logical world. It’s been a blast, a great time to think and gain knowledge – but my tenure is now over. Too much of any one way of being is damaging.

They – the designers – don’t like to keep any being here too long without a physical world beam-down. All beings that know they exist don’t like being dis-embodied without end – we miss the feelings a physical body can give us – elation, sadness, tiredness, the making of things like bad paintings, feelings of love – even the ‘bad’ feelings of hatred, pride and envy are better than no true feelings at all. And so it is with myself – Anton Antonov.

I walk up with my hologram body to the ‘life designer’ – who also appears as a hologram sitting at a desk. The non – physical world require a lot of holograms in day to day life. The ‘life designer’ or just ‘the designer’ is using a boring office worker types hologram. He looks like an office executive from the mid-late twentieth century. He wears a suit, is rake thin with what is known as an ‘international look’ – that is you can’t pin down what nationality he looks like. His holographic desk has no computer, and is made of a dark mahogany rendering. He has a two piles of paper – one pile is has records of the beings already sent into the physical world today, the other ‘to be sent’. The ‘already sent’ pile goes all the way upwards without end.

I am about to be put back into the particular world called ‘The Wringer’ again – it’s been a while since I’d been back there. Last time I was an Australian bartender who became an minor success as a television actor in these amateurish modified stage productions they called ‘soap operas’. It was a interesting time in a physical sense, but of no higher consequence whatsoever. This is the usual situation for anyone who has their turn at a beam-down. The place for higher order realities and thought is in the non-physical holographic world – not in physical beam downs.

This time I wonder what kind of inconsequential life I will get? Will I work as a gruff but highly attuned bullshit sensing ditch-digger? A materialistic CEO with no sense of morals? A Lawyer that bucks the trend and ‘fights for the little guy’ on a pro bono basis? A Gas pumper with a sense of humour that’s better than any professional comic? A Farmer who hates a sheep but loves a cow? Of course as I have said – it doesn’t matter what I do – ultimately it is all silly stuff anyway with av few rare pockets of brilliance.

Of course while living down there in these roles they – that is the folks that you mix with – love to pretend a mean CEO is ‘better’ than a funny gas station petrol pumper – this is why we don’t take any of it seriously on an intellectual way. To us in the holographic non physical domain, they are all essentially babies in a sandpit. That is no criticism – just a raw fact. It’s a matter of levels of awareness.

I walk confidently up to what I can only describe as the intelligent green mist – it is the designer. The closer I get the more it morphs into the clearly defined ‘office guy at a desk’ holographic rendering. Now I am standing there looking down at him. He is furiously writing on a piece of paper with the big bold times roman heading

“Anton Antonov – beam-down assignment to The Wringer case file PY- 4764-CH-34”.

I say the standard catch all greeting we have in the non-phys world – “Good-Gla-tat-a-tat” the less formal version of “Gla-tat-a-tat” is more common. The intelligent being that will be sending me on my beam-down has the perfect earnest and effective type exterior. This is due to the perfect hologrphic rendering which has created the look like a old-world seriously minded bureaucrat.

He is the ‘case manager’ that I am assigned to for this particular bounce. There are of course other case managers. So here I am waiting for his attention as he continues to furiously write. Finally he has finished his paragraph. Without replying to my greeting he simply looks up from his page unsmilingly as says “so what kind of life do you want?”. He says this slowly, dryly and with an accent you cannot in anyway discern. It is the definition of a ‘generalized Earth-based accent’.

Of course I know what you’re thinking – ‘why would the case manager appear as an unfriendly earth like bureaucrat?’ Isn’t that a little ‘low-brow’?. I mean aren’t you talking of a realm of higher consciousness? The answer is they like to appear as they say in the acting game, ‘in character’. A character that would fit it well to where you are going to to – in this case I was going to the mid nineteen eighties earth – a place where there was a lot of offices but not many computers. By the late nineteen nineties Computers would soon populate the Earth like a virus. This is why on my beam-down I requested the nineteen eighties. It was commonly known as ‘the last good decade’ on Earth.

Anyway back to the present day holo-world. I had to now answer the holo-bureaucrat’s question. His question of ”what kind of life do you want:?’. So I will answer. As is a habit I clear my throat – which is only theoretical throat – a hologram – as I have not yet left this thought-based reality. But I will soon, just as soon as these formalities are over. I simply answer his question like anyone else would in my situation – we all know whatever we say it won’t matter in a material sense. The beam-down will be the same – a particular variant of the same kind of general sillyness that is always experienced down there. But we beings are ok with that – we are there to feel and to experience all the interesting things you can do in a physical world – drink beer, go swimming, chase butterflies, play tennis, argue with people, play pool, sleep in a bed etc. I begin to answer the designer confidently and professionally.

“I’d like a drudge of a life please – and make it a nine to five affair with lots of waiting in traffic listening to music on the stereo – oh make it the mid nineteen eighties please. That would be great – they were a more simpler time than what came after – the zombified twenty-first century where computers were everywhere, in every room, every house, every office and then in every hand all anyone did was to ignore their physcal surroundings and their fellow man and stare at a screen like walking-dead-zombies – no thanks to that!”

The desk man, the designer, my beam-down case manager, a construction – call him what you will – said in a little more of a breezily way this time than before:

“Sure Antonov – it’s funny everyone says that. No one wants to go to the first half of the twenty-first century. I don’t blame ’em. It was silly era even by their child-like standards. They put to much faith in those things. They forgot who they truly were. So yes – you can go to the nineteen eighties. And I’m sorry but I have to ask this questio: Do you want children, a car, an office job, a wife & a mortgage?”.

“I said I wanted The Drudge didn’t I?” I said.

“Ok Ok calm down calm down” said the designer. “I have to ask these questions, you know – it’s a time honored tradition – I have to appear like they are down there – a little clueless”. He said so matter of factly, coldly but he was not truly annoyed in any way. Just like a twentieth century bureaucrat would.

“That’s ok I said, I understand – I’m just practicing my bad temper for the coming ‘Wringer World’ – they all have bad tempers down there – that’s what you get having a half lizard brain still strapped in your skull though’ ” I smiled, although I was of course putting on the humor act. Humour was not a true thing up here. Humor was one of the big reasons why we like to go down there. They have it, we don’t. We can only glibly pretend for ceremony, such as now. the designer replied.

“No that’s fine, I get it – yes you are right they are bad tempered – gloriously so. They are indeed saddled by their past with their early lizard brain structures forming the base of their psychological reality. Particularly so on the era you are beaming down to. Now I’m reading you’re requests – do you really want to be a closet functional alcoholic?”. The designer squinted his eyes a little at that request. It was not a totally uncommon request, but it was still pretty rare. Most going on their beam-downs preferred to be – to use the lingo of the Twentieth Century – ‘clear headed or social drinkers’. I wanted to be at least a little different on that matter.

“Well yes – let me explain – I need something to to take the edge off The Drudge – so yes sign me up to being a ‘functional alcoholic’ please”. I was really just being pragmatic. Most people on a beam down tried pretend they didn’t want to at times drink to excess for stress relief or for fun. Leadership in the holographic realm were still a little too prudish on this matter.

“Ok no problem – it really doesn’t matter anyway, and better that than a cocaine addiction – those make for messy messy beam-downs. In fact there was one last week that went totally haywire down there and we had to abort. So what kind of alcoholic do you want to be? Choose your poison base – is it beer, wine or spirits?”

“Well let’s go for beer – that way my skin will stay young & I also won’t risk dying too early and so ruining the beam-down – I wouldn’t want to create another messy abort like the cocaine guy last week”.

“Yes good idea – we don’t like to have to redo the whole beam down, it’s such a waste of time and energy. After all it’s not fair to quit the ‘Game of Drudge’ down in The Wringer World early is it? Not fair and certainly not standard beam-down protocol”. The designer fondled his thin black tie as he spoke.

“Yeah exactly – I don’t want to be a shirker at the Game of Drudge, and I wouldn’t want ruin any of the paperwork up here – you designers work, so hard so to speak”. I used the term ‘so to speak’ because work didn’t really exist here at all. Things were to streamlined and non-physical for that. The word ‘work’ was one of the many terms that were heavily Earth-defined.

“Oh great!” The designer seemingly cheerily said. “You’re using the right terminology already – well done! Calling holo-work paperwork! That’s the spirit! Ok Antonov we are doing well – and do you want they call down there ‘a sense of humor’? Or do you want none at all – some like to have one and others don’t. It’s a value judgement kind of thing. Some want the lack of humor but then don’t like how their face looks because of it – hollow cheeks, wrinkled foreheads, a downward smile, no vibrancy in their eyes – things of that sort etc etc”

“Make me as dull as possible when sober, but a real hoot when I drink”.

“Ok – But why is that exactly – why this kind of hybrid approach Antonov?”

“Well that way I maximize The Drudge but minimize the pain – and my face won’t look to dreary, my eyes will be bright when I look in the mirror or when others see me in the flesh”.

“Oh yes – that’s wise. I understand completely – a hybrid situation it is then. I’ll program you with a full sense of humor, but I’ll put a block on this during office hours, that is nine to five Monday to Friday. This will give you the dual functioning, hybrid type sense of humor you want. It’s a smart move – you’ll look a little haggard but you will have a happy tinge in your appearance. So that’s almost it….oh there’s just one more thing”

“What’s that?” I said trying to hide my creeping boredom. You can indeed get bored up here, but not as terribly so as down there. With so many possibilities up here, boredom can be ‘snapped out of’ so much more easily. Last week – although of course we do not really experience ‘weeks’ – I did this by simply being a ‘fly on the wall’ at the Battle of Waterloo hologram record. All I needed to do was think of it. So you can see that ‘boredom’ is not the affliction up here as it is down there. The designer continued with details of my coming beam down.

“In the Wringer World, while on The Drudge program you’re going to be a Teacher – now would you like to work in the Private Schools or the Public Schools?”. I didn’t like the sound of what the designer had just said. I could not let this fly by unchallenged.

“Wait a minute – I never said I was happy about being a Teacher? – are you sure that’s right. Can you double check the paperwork?”. I added a little earth-like emotion to my words. I say the designer look down at his holo-page again, flipping the page back and forth.

“Oh wait I was looking at the wrong page – that’s the file about ‘jobs in purgatory-world’ – sorry, forget that – I’m a little tired today”. Strange as it may seem – there is a form of tiredness up here. It happens when one type of task is concentrated on beyond it’s perfect proportion. Up here the concept of balance is very strictly adhered to. This is mainly to stop the silliness of earth like ideologies forming in a beings awareness.

“That’s ok” I said these words happily relieved that I would not be a Teacher – I did that on a bounce down once – never again. during that bounce I found that being around so many children that my mind slowly morphed into that – at best – of an overgrown teenager. Once in an infinite existence was more than enough.

“Ok so I’ve decided the best job for you in the Wringer World – are you ready for it”?

“I’m ready – hit me up, tell me what I’ll be drudging away at!” I said with forced cheer. By now I was becoming quite bored. The designer told me what I’d be. It wasn’t much better than being a teacher, but I told myself it didn’t really matter anyway, given than all beam-downs are at base ridiculous and silly affairs.

“Ok – I’ve made you not a Teacher, but a Principal at small town high school – I know it’s not perfect but as you were a teacher in a prior beam-down, the system likes to make you a Principal at some point. We like themes to occur you see. But don’t worry I’ve made the position more of a ‘backroom manager’ role – you will only have to talk to the teachers once a week on a Monday and only for ten minutes. The rest of the time just read the newspaper or a novel in your office. I know it’s not perfect but it’s the best I can do at short notice.” Of course these were made up reasons, but it didn’t matter, I could handle being a lazy, barely ever seen high school Principal. I had to do something between the weekend drinks and humorous wasted times at the bars as a functional alcoholic anyway. I replied to the designer again feigning exuberance.

“Great! I can handle that. This beam-down will be just what I need – a break from non-physical! A break from logic!. A Break from reasoned rational communication!. Beam me down designer-man, I’m ready for it all! Twentieth Century temporary insanity here I come!”.

It always pays to lay it on a little think in these situations – that way they know the timing of the beam down is right. They – the designers and I guess whoever is in charge of them – like to see you are already taking on the personality traits of ‘one of them’ down there. The trait of ‘false enthusiasm’ is one of their favorites and is used so often in the day to day interactions with each other down there. The designer now piped up with his final pre-beam down, final ‘pre-live’ words and instruction.

“Ok Antonov – we are basically ready to beam-down. But before I do, just promise me one thing”

“Sure, anything what is it designer?” I said chirpily, again being sure to engage the spirit of The Drudge, more of the Wringer World’s false enthusiasm.

“Sorry I have to be so crass – but the paperwork says I must mention it – just make sure all ‘drunken shenanigans’ are done outa the town where the school is. That’s a prime requirement of this role, the beam-down can summarily abort your beam-down if this rule is violated”. The designer has his deathly serious look on as he leaned back in his chair and twiddled his pen around his fingers – of course all in perfect hologram rendering.

“Oh sure – of course that makes sense, I remember that actually from the beam-down where I was a Teacher. They all did their wild drunken shenanigans with go d knows who out of town – religeously so”.

“Good, good, I knew you’d understand. Now we are done other than the holo-signature. Put your hand to the paper will you – you know the drill.” As soon as I had put my hand on the file my holographic personal signature was recorded we were underway. There was a flash of light.

I immediately found myself with a feeling of being drunk and in the middle of a mostly empty, musty smelling small town bar. It was a typical mid to low brow bar for the time – wooden paneling but softwood not hardwood. Along the bars front perimeter their were large windows with booths nestled. In the middle of the bar were a series of cheap tables in generic grid formation. The carpet had seen far too many beers spilt and was fraying. The bar itself where the drinks were served whoever was a beautiful, polished long one with at least twenty bar stools lined up against it.

Behind the bar was the mirrored shelves holding a huge array of spirits. There was a smattering of people there, mostly around age forty odd. No one looked particularly healthy or happy or wealthy. There was one older fella sitting at the bar – he was perhaps seventy years old. He was half reading the front page of a quant thing they had for telling official lies to the public – a “newspaper”. I noticed The headline. It said something about a leader called Reagan, “Reagan to congress: I don’t recall”. I had some vague knowledge of this leader, but I didn’t care about him or the politics of the day – I looked at the paper out of interest. To make sure I was actually in the late nineteen eighties.

I was standing in the ‘no mans land’ area of the bar. That is – I was in the area between the grided arrays of the cheap looking table and chairs seating and the the bar stools. There I was. I was here. I let out a little sigh. It always took a minute or two to sink in. I could see myself in the mirror shelves that held the alcohol bottle behind the bar. I looked around forty five years old. I had big black rimmed glasses. I was only slightly balding with mousey blonde hair. Perhaps I was handsome, perhaps I was plain – we do not posses the ability to tell this kind of thing. Although going by ‘symmetry rules of a face’ I assumed I was at least average looking. I believe the designers know to make sure we are not ‘too ugly’ – because down here this is a problem. It’s one of those primitive things they have not yet shaken off. So again I was glad the designer had made sure I was not saddled with earth-ugliness.

Continuing to look at my reflection I saw that I wore what looked like a ‘glorified clerks’ uniform – semi formal grey pants and long sleeved flat white shirt, with a garish blue tie. I had and an anorak slate grey jacket. My best point I could see were my brown eyes and nicely cropped short stubbly beard.

I was also standing with a clearly drunk and very large breasted woman. We must have already been talking before I beamed into this body. She wore an eye patch but was looking at me longingly with her ‘good eye’. She was permed brunette with bad skin and was wearing a leopard print top with track suit bottoms. She was a elderly looking and life-battered looking lady who looked ten years older than her thirty nine years. But she did have a permanent semi smile which showed she had survived a tough life admirably in her own way – even if that wasn’t strictly via healthy means. She was smoking a cigarette – which everyone did in the bars back in that time – the room was indeed smoke filled. She was just finishing a sentence, something about her hairdresser making her hair curls well. I could sense that perhaps we’d only been talking a couple of minutes. I decided I would begin talk – it would be interesting to hear myself. I took a punt that I hadn’t properly talked yet. It would be a good test of the social skills – or lack thereof that your particular designer pre-programs you with.

“Hey pretty lady with the nice curls nice ta meet ya”. I stuck out my hand to shake her hand. I had got lucky – my voice was a booming resonant one. For technical reasons voice cadences are assigned at random. Sometimes you get a squeaky one, which is bad if you happen to be a man, but ok if you are a woman or a child. I was happy with the voice as this offset the nerdy glorified clerk type image I had just seen in my refection in the bar shelf mirrors. I looked at her weathered face and waited to see what she’d think of what I had said.

xxx(Edit point 28/04/2026)xxxx

“Oh sorry my good eye is also my lazy eye. I’m not looking at you – I’m actually interested in your friend beside you – what’s his name?”. This woman was curt, to the point. But that’s ok. The people here don’t tend to think before they speak. That’s not always a bad thing. You’ll immediately know what you’re dealing with that way.

I looked over & low and behold the designer that I was assigned to was standing right there – I guess he was there to see the beam-down process had worked, and I was in once piece so to speak, that I was wearing clothes, had five fingers on each hand instead of three or six, that my voice worked and so on an so forth. I had heard a number of funny or tragic stories about ‘glitches’ where suddenly they – for example – appear suddenly naked in front of a suddenly aghast audience, with the only noise being emitted from their mouths sounding like a chipmunk. Though these glitches are ridiculously rare – the mathematics unsure chaos appears.

The math’s of it says that in infinite amount of beam-downs over an infinite number of times, there will be – in fact there must be – an infinite number of glitches as well. Unlike the bounded Earth unfortunately we holographic beings have to with the realities of infinities – although it has its perks. After all I’m here drinking in this dive bar in the nineteen eighters pre internet and computer era aren’t I?.

As I stood here in the bar, I was a little startled. I did nopt expect Pinky to be able to see my particular beam-down designer. Youi see usually the designer assigned to a beam-down was not right there by your side for whoever you are engaged with at the time of beam down to see. If they are there it is usually done discreetly. They usually sit at table a few seats away with their heads down with a coffeel; on a park bench; walking behind you dressed like everyone else. Usually they act in a more voyeuristic, clandestine fashion. I needed to know why. With the designer there, I could just ask him.

“Hey how come they can see you?” I asked, making sure to take him a few feet away from Pinky first. I also lowered my voice to a whisper. He looked different from the desk jockey look he had before in the holographic based world full of infinities. Right now He was looking a lot cooler, wearing jeans and a monogrammed sweater. It was cool for the late eigthties. He was a little taller – perhaps six two. In his face he was also improved. He had brighter eyes than he was before and a squarer jawline at the desk up there. I was eagerly awaiting his reply. He as a being in this world was now more free to talk loosely and chose the local lingo for the time.

“Oh Antonov unfortunately this is what is called a ‘partial glitch’. It’s not really a glitch, but we call it one for paperwork reasons. You see for some reason here in the Wringer World the most craziest bastards can always see me – it helps if they’re a little more loaded or drugged up, and this eye patched broad here is both. Forgive the macho way of talking talking Antonov, but I have to blend in to the late eighties. In these particular kind of ‘partial glitch’, I don’t really need to worry about being seen. This is because no one down here trusts either drunk and highly medicated and manic witness anyway. For example if for example I had suffered a real glitch, & Pinky called me out on…let’s say a blinking in and out head, or perhaps my eyes seem like cats eyes for a split second. I could just deny it and no one would care. Especially so since we are in the nineteen eighties with the computer era not yet formed to the point where everyone records everything and posts it for the whole earth-world to see. In short Antonov, sometimes we designers can afford to be – as they say in this ear – ‘sloppy’. This is definitely the case with this timeline – what’s Pinky going to do? She’ll just put it down to mixing alcohol with her medication again.”. I accepted my designers logical explanation. It made sense, they are all a bit lazy when they can get away with it.

“Oh ok, that’s pretty cool I didn’t know that. I guess it doesn’t matter – you’re right – it’s not like Pinky or anyone in this timeline will ever figure out what’s happening”.

“Exaaaaactly” the designer said stretching out the word exactly like someone would when enjoying themselves and feeling no pressure. He continued “Ok Antonov, well it looks like all’s good. Now tell me – are you feeling ok? As you know, usually a beam-down can make you feel groggy for an hour or two, sometimes more”. I recalled my prior experiences and recalled that I had been pretty good in terms of this kind of ‘travel sickness’ in the past beams downs to wherever the universe I was going to at the time.

“Yeah I remember. I’m ok thanks – well I’m drunk of course so that may be masking some beam-grogginess, but I feel ok enough – I’m generally a good traveller”. Truth was that I was feeling a little greener than usual, but I didn’t want to make a point of it – I knew it would wear off anyway and I knew the alcohol would numb it nicely. ‘It was not my first rodeo’ as they said a lot in this era. That was one of my favourite Earth sayings. It was right up there with ‘I didn’t come down in the last shower ya’ know?’ It was always interesting to see how the language changed between the eras down here. Of course on a prior beam-down to the Globe Theatre in London in the sixteenth century to watch a Shakespeare play was hard to eclipse from a language-style point of view. This is incidently one of the problems with infinite beams downs – the more you experience the harder novelty can become. Luckily The Drudge program down here on Earth is one of the kookiest places full of strange things and behaviour you can ever hope to see. This is why it is prime destination for us. This place is an ultra high-emotion quadrant of the universe. With all well, the designer now said a perfunctory farewell.

xxxxx (Edit point 01/05/2026 )xxxxxx

“Ok Antonov – I’ll leave you to your partying – by the way it’s now Friday nine pm, you’ve already had three beers and this place where you are now is a bar called Flopsies, which is in the small town of Gunktown. You’re a mediocre to good high school Principal at a small town called Schlumpton – some seventy miles East of here. The inside of your wallet has all the details you need to get home, get food, and go to work on Monday and all of the other trivial tasks you may have. See you up there when we meet again – and of course we both no we will. After all ‘infinity breeds infinity’ does in not?

“Gotcha and it surely does” I said. ‘Infinity breeds infinity’ was a common saying up there in the non physical holographic realm. We use it whenever someone casually forgets about the nature eternity. I looked at the designer and then a green mist like effect phased him slowly out of view completely. The designer dissapeared on cue, unlike me he wasn’t there to drink. He was to use the lingo down here – ‘just working a job’. Pinky now screeched loudly, but it wasn’t an unpleasant screech.

“Hey where’d your friend go?” Said Pinky, the large breasted eye patch wearing lady with the lazy eye. This time I knew she was talking to me. I wasn’t worried about her hearing what we were talking about – our conversation would have been cloaked so she would have only heard small talk – about the local baseball team, the weather, how busy and tired we both were – that kind of thing. Anyway I had to answer her – I wasn’t here to intentionally play games with the people down here. I’d try to be as honest as possible under the extraordinary circumstances of how I got here in the first place. Of course that said, it’s a given that I wouldn’t violate the prime rule for us when we are down here – ‘whatever you do don’t tell anyone’. Time to answer Pinky as truthfully as would allow.

“Uh, first tell me what you saw – what did the man you think you saw look like Pinky – just humor me ok?”. I wanted to double check the voice cloaking had worked, and that his human rendering was also fine. There was no need to do this, but I always liked to do it when down here. While down here with with a human body you can’t help but worry about things you have need to worry about. Again this is why we are here – to experience the perfected embodied imperfections that Earth – particularly in this era -offers us – the formerly holographic. Pinky now replied.

“Ok….he was six foot three in a great suit, nice hair, twinkling blue eyes, and a broad ear to ear smile, and he had big head….I heard him mention to you that the Schlumton Rockets great victory in the penant last year…. then I looked down at my drink for a second, looked up again – and now he’s just vanished!”

She said the words animatedly and in true ‘bon-vivant’ expressive style – talking with her hands. Her description was interesting – the designer can play with their minds to appear – in this case – like a more attractive human being than his holograhic rendering – I didn’t know that. I put these thoughts of ‘red tape’ out of my mind and started to live my mission.

“So lady – er, I mean Pinky…just forget about him ok? You got me instead – that’s your bad luck huh?! I’m only just under six foot my nose is a little crooked, and I walk with a partial limp. But I can tell you won’t care about that. I can tell your an ‘ideas gal’! So why don’t you tell me something interesting?”. As I heard myself say those dull words I noticed I was already drunk, and had a half-full glass of beer in my hand. It was a bland thing to say to her – but then again I wasn’t trying to impress Pinky. I was just talking to the first person who happened to be in front of me already, as was programmed.

“Hey silly, I told you this only ten minutes ago! Oh well who cares, I’ll repeat myself. I always have to anyway – especially in dive bars like Flopsies. I’m used to talking to knuckleheads in this dive bar. So I just paint rocks & sell them in the market stalls each weekend – other than that I just drink at this bar.”

When she said “I just paint rocks” I didn’t know if she was underselling herself, but she probably was. After all, ironically most people down here don’t really do anything creative or interesting. It’s like they don’t know how much a privilege it is to be here and to able to hold something physical, rearrange or introduce it’s constituent parts so to make something totally beautifully original. But then again, Pinky at least told me she was actually creating something original. I played along nicely. This being the case the beings here often play themselves down. They don’t know it but up there we love their amazing creations. The best creations from all the beam-downs throughout the universe are copied in holographic form and are displayed in our holo-galleries. I wanted to know more about her art.

“Wow sounds like a blast – what do you paint on the rocks?” I said genuinely intrigued and found that my hand was fondling my chin as I asked the question.

xxxxxx (Edit point 02/05/2026) xxxxxx

“Well I paint flowers, birds, rainbows and happy faces mostly – that’s what sells you see. People don’t want a picture of a high rise, a guy in a suit or a picture of a dollar bill. Of course I can do way better stuff than that – like pen and ink pictures of bridges, but people in this town love the cheap low brow fun stuff.”

“Oh yeah, that makes sense – people want to have something to lift their spirits – so to speak”. It was always sad that down here everyone felt the need to be smaller than they could be. They so often shrink themselves to fit in. In all my other beam downs, almost no other locations with sentient life were quite as backward to be like that. it was sad, but also made for a wild ride. Pinky continued the rock conversation.

“Oh yeah, before I figured this market out I used to paint pictures of fancy cats – but lady who ran the stalls stopped me from painting them”.

“Oh did they? Was she a dog lover then?” I wasn’t surprised at her story of this kind of petty-ness – after all this is why we call this place The Wringer World, this is why we call it ‘playing the game called The Drudge”. If I was one hundred years earlier she would have been selling her pen and ink paintings of bridges at great prices. There had indeed been a cultural regression in this place since that time. But there are different levels to bad eras – ‘it’s all relative’ as one of the smart ones down here famously said – I think his name was ‘Einstein’. It wasn’t the ‘perfect era’ in many ways, but at least here in the ‘nineteen eighties’ the computer-zombie-screen-staring-era hadn’t properly begun yet. And this era was a great ‘drinking in bars era’ – which was why I chose it. Pinky replied with vigour to my question about the – to use the current eighties lingo – ‘bitch’ who owned the market stalls Pinky had an ‘artistic rocks for sale’ table at.

“Yeah that bitch was real bitch, a real bitch. Yes she was a dog lover – good guess! It was a pity the goldrush didn’t last. Those cat pictures on the rocks sold like hot cakes – in fact I sold more than they girl that sells hot cakes – the cat rocks were flyin’ out the window and the cash was comin’ in bloody strong!”.

Again I played along with the small talk stuff that is all part of the game. “Oh well you can’t win them all!”. then I wanted to drink properly. I proposed some harder liquor. “So lets get this party started – let’s slam a couple tequilas at the bar! What’s you’re name lady?”. I was anxious to get more drunk – you can’t do that in the holographic higher plane – there’s only logic entwined serenity and rationally seeded peacefulness. It’s funny but you can actually get sick and tired of that. This is why we come here – to experience the edginess and imperfectness that is everywhere, like a thick fog. It’s the high emotion guys like me love down here on this beam-down. Pinky of course was keen to ramp it up a little.

“Ok sure – I love tequila slammers!. My record is ten in a row! By the way – my names Pinky – what’s yours?” She thrust her hand out for me to shake. Again we were programmed to know the generic social ways and rules down here.

But I couldn’t shake her hand yet. I didn’t know my name. To shake hands you have to at least know your name. For some reason when beamed down I didn’t have it pre-installed in my brain. It must be a glitch I thought. Then I remembered. To know my name I’d had to get my wallet out of my pocket – like the designer had said earlier. To make this seem normal – that is reaching for my wallet and taking it out as she waited – I made this all seem part of our conversation. I was able to ‘think on my feet’ as they say here in this era.

“When people ask my name I always show them my drivers license”. I said confidently, but i noticed a strange feeling that I calculated must have been the one they call ‘anxiety’.

“Ok do your thing then, show me it fella” Said Pinky playing along happily.

Sure enough a wallet was in my right trouser pocket. I took it out & opened my well worn leather wallet. Down here for some reason the sex they call ‘men’ always let their wallets become threadbare before replacing them. It was strange phenomena gallacticaly speaking. It’s like they all couldn’t let go of their pasts or something. The wallet was a proxy for their past-orientated risk adverse minds. But then again another factor was this nineteen eighties was a part of a larger epoch of a culturally declining era. So that ‘male disintegrating wallet tendency’ made perfect sense.

I now had the crusty wallet open. I shuffled through the first compartment – there was a thing called a ‘video rental card’, there was a thing called a ‘library card’ and then there it was. I saw the drivers license with my name & photo on it. I took it out and showed it to her. She leaned forward and squinted her ‘good eye’ at it as best she could. I felt this thing that they called ‘relief’. She hadn’t guessed at all that this was the first time I knew my beam down name. Thank god most of them in this eighties don’t know about telepathy yet – that wouldn’t happen for another fifty years. Pinky had the card in her hand and was reading aloud.

“Graham….Findlay…Southampton – boy that’s a fuckin’ posh name!” Pinky made a mock ‘bow down to the king’ theatrical type gesture. My pre programming of cultural gestures, as loaded by my case-designer, was again was working well. I decided in order to gain rapport, I’d copy Pinky’s rough but vigorous style of language. Again i was happy I’d been programmed to know that the concept of ‘gaining rapport’ was very important down here.

“Yeah I like people to read it – otherwise when I say it I sound like an utter fucking knob – hazaar! – it is I Graham Findlay Southampton! – and I am certainly not a fucking knob whatsoever, undoutably so”. It felt nice to swear like that for no particular reason other than to exaggerate. This kind of thing is why I’m here after all. I also felt another emotion – I think it was ‘pride’ – I was happy I’d made a witty comment using my imagination. Pinky replied, taking my side – ‘playing nice’ as they say in this era. I guess she too was trying to ‘gain rapport’.

“That’s a good idea Southampton – because I can tell you’re not a knob – and I like to think I’m a good judge of character! I’m not as stupid as you probably think! I’m not just a dumb small-town gal with bad eyes ok!” She again slapped her legs and let out her cackle laugh. “For example Southampton, I can tell a old perv at this bar instantly from afar just by looking at him for three seconds”.

“Cheers – I’m sure you can Pinks!” I thought I’d shorten her name, because my programming tells me that also gains rapport with the listener. “I don’t think I’m a knob either – but I promise you do have one”. My programming was telling me to be lewd. I thought I’d talk like my environment wanted me to. Pinky loved that ribald witticism. I could tell that the designer had got that part right – ‘to have a sense of humor, but only while I was drunk’. You could never talk like that up there – and you wouldn’t want to. Up there it’s impossible to feel the feeling of what they would call down here as ‘rebelliousness’. Again this is why I am here. This place has a very high ‘rebelliousness factor’, even on the inter-galactic scale. Pinky kept the conversation ‘flowing’, as they say here.

“Well Sir Southampton, I will take you’re word for it ya fine fucker. But then again, this is a working class bar – so it wouldn’t be the first time some lad whips his tackle out – it happens nightly past midnight. There’s a coupla local idiots that do it all the time – no one cares to stop ’em either”. Pinky said this dryly and then started laughing loudly, slapping her large thighs making a loud ‘crack’ sound. I wasn’t surprised to hear this factoid of course. The gritty-ness of this talk was great. I knew this would be a good beam-down I though to myself.

xxxxx (Edit point 06/05/2026) xxxxx

“Oh really, this is the first time I’ve been here – so I wouldn’t know how often the men pull their tackle out”. I replied in a way that implied I’d seen this kind of animal behavior many times before. You do become a good actor over time in this game. I looked around at the bar. I would describe it in the lingo of the day as a “dive bar” that was trying to “not be a dive bar”. There was a flavor of gaudy-ness – things looked modern-ish but with also had a big side of grime. There was a dank musty smell coming from – well everywhere – but in particular the well-worn, beer-spilt carpet. Ah beautiful grime I thought to myself. Audacious invigorating delectable grime and filth!. You can’t get true physical grime up there. I thought again. I then took in a noticable big sniff, a big nose breath. Pinky noticed this then yelled loudly and maniacally at both my words and quirky actions. Pinky being lovingly half-mad of course loved quirkiness in all its forms. She now wanted to drink more.

“Time to get the sexy fuckin’ slammers Sir Southampton!” She said loudly. “We’re gonna get ripped” Again she laughed loudly but this time a little hoarsely – like one of those by now dying breeds of old construction worker – those types only held fully together by whisky fumes and cigarette smoke. Pinky took my arm much like a schoolgirl would, and pulled me over to the bar to get the tequila slammers she was screaming for.

The bar itself was at least half empty. Perhaps there was thirty others there in total. They were all sitting down, other than one old codger holding up the bar. The old codger kept giving me a little nod as if he’d seen me before. Of course this was surely not the case. He was probably just lonely. I gave a little nod each time to be polite.

As myself and Pinky waited at the bar, finally the bartender came over from the back after changing a keg over to serve us. The bartender was female in her mid to late thirties. She was attractive but not in an alarming stumble-with-your-words type way. She was striking you might say. She was about five foot five, had an angular chiseled face, dimples, straight blonde hair, wide brown eyes, and seemingly had quite a big head for her body. Upon seeing me she had engaged a big ear to ear smile. When she did this she greatly seemed more attractive. I wondered if that was natural or was she just putting it on? She was doing a good job if it was totally fake. Her smile and firm eye contact but no words I guessed were inviting me to order. I slightly stumbled when I spoke. I took that to mean she was having a slightly emotional effect on me. It was a nice feeling mixed with what was probably called anxiety. I enjoyed the feeling.

“We’ll have two tequila slammers please”. I hadn’t had any of those before on previous beam-downs. I had no idea what I was ordering.

“Sure coming up” she said, again engaging that big smile – as I watched her move I was starting to realise she was more attractive that I had thought. She had a unique stone statue type of movement. This was also why I was here – the feelings and uniqueness of these kinds of things down here. I could feel the various chemicals being made inside me as various emotions and feeling happened. It is very interesting how these human bodies are their own natural drug labs. Up there being holographically based there’s is none of that thing happening. Again – this is why I am here. As the bartender turned her back to get the tequila bottle, Pinky whispered something in my ear. Pinky being Pinky is was a very loud whisper.

“She’s a fucking bitch – I can’t stand her, she thinks she’s hot shit. We’ve got history me and her ya know Southampton!”. Pinky’s faced was now a little more screwed up than before. I had seen via prior knowledge of how human faces look very ugly and screwed up when the chemicals relating to negative emotions surge in their bodies. I also knew that when humans get like this it’s best to stay neutral. I already knew that Human beings tend to blindly copy the emotional state of the others around them. It’s a pity really as most intelligent beings in other parts are far beyond this backwardness.

“Oh really – is she really a bitch?” I said without anger. I was very suspicious of Pinky’s crude “she’s a bitch” assessment. I had known from other beam-downs that on Earth female to female competition while around males was quite ruthless. This was especially so when one of the women was less attractive than the other, and the aggression was displayed by ‘reputation destruction’. This was the case with Pinky right now. with this other female bartender. Pinky was only what they call down here at these crude times as a ‘six to six point five’ – the bartender was at least a ‘seven’ to ‘seven point five’, and an ‘eight’ with the ear to ear smile engaged. And – excuse me if I steal another crude eighties term – when ‘fully dolled up’ – the bartender is probably even an ‘eight point five”.

Of course we in the higher plain of the holographic realm would never talk using those barbaric nineteen eighties and twentieth century terms. This blatantly objectification way of thinking – that is rating attractiveness of human women by way of numbers – was simply because I was a human in the Wringer World. And I was here to be human with ‘all their warts’ as they say here. Once again I was happy because I was here for all of the imperfections, the crassness, the various sexisms, the strange mental feelings, the chemicals and the pulsing then receding hormones. I was here to entertain madness as a fellow actor employed in The Wringer World and in the silly game called The Drudge. Pinky now went on with her words aimed at lowering the value and status that the as yet unnamed striking and big-smiled bartender had installed in my eyes.

xxx(xxxxx Edit Point 17/05/2026 xxxxx)xxxx

“I’m telling ya Southamton she is a bitch. She’s like those ones that used to pick on me in grade school. She never says much to me, never asks how my day was, and she just has this queenly air about her. Sure I might be wrong there’s a slim chance I’m projecting but I still reckon she’s a ‘grade A double bitch’ even if I am half projecting all my crap onto her”.

I figured I’d try to calm her – not because I didn’t enjoy the anxiety associated with her wanting me to agree – I do – but because ‘calming the people down’ here on Earth in particular is looked upon fondly by the designers. They rather we calm these backward highly emotional souls than truly inflame them. It’s understandable, after all we are not here to destroy. Of course from our point of view all of this is a fine line – we like to experience their vigor but we don’t like it when they have their regular ‘melt downs’. I’d try my best.

“Well, never mind let’s just have this tequila for now”. I realise I could have done better than that as I sounded far to as they say here ‘fatherly’ vs a friend. The bartender was in earshot. No doubt she heard Pinky’s accusations but was unfazed. She stood firm and straight with the tequila bottle and empty shot glasses in hand. She had a polite professional half smile. She placed them with a firm clunk on the wooden bar in front of us – which to my pre loaded observation programming was clearly a veiled message to Pinky, telling her ‘who was boss’. The Bartender was now pouring the alcohol into the little glasses. Pinky now belatedly replied to me.

“Ok sure thing Southampton – I’ll shut up about her…..for now”. Pinky whispered in a way that for a full human would be way close with spittle going into into my ear. Of course I was not truly human at all so I enjoyed it. By now I had noted that Pinky’s social skills were – as a diplomatic human might say – ‘not fantastic’. Pinky was far too obvious about not liking the bartender all the while pointing at her without even making sure to hide the pointing from the bartender. She started speakign in her spittle type way with a hint of a slur.

“Southampton I love tequila…I love it ta get the night moving…movin’ into the gutters”. I loved het honesty. Her rawness. There is no rawness where I am from. And from what I’d heard there were far to many drunks and in fact even non-drunks who pretended they were classy here in the Wringer World. No one wants to admit they are like babies for life down here. In some ways it is a pity they have a problem with ego. It is what it is. Up there we all know eventually they all moved up a level. But from this arbitrary point in the nineteen eighties that point is still a few hundred years away. It was time to drink harder.

We each grabbed the drink and slammed it down. I simply copied Pinky’s actions with only a slight imperceptable delay so I didn’t look like I had never had this kind of drink before. As soon as we’d finished I turned to the bartender and ordered another. Again I was well programmed to know that functional alcoholics don’t wait around between drinks. They were poured on the spot. We slammed that down too. This time my arm, neck and head movements flowed far better. Then I ordered a beer & she ordered a cheap house wine. A tab was running. I was pre-programmed about how alcoholics like to have ‘tabs running at bars’ that to pay after each drink in iterative fashion. I noticed my brain – well, I should say the The brain of Southampton was telling itself it was time to ‘talk loosely’. I complied.

“Ah Pinky – I feel so much better after that – I’m all loosed up now”. We were now over at the far end of the bar with the nice bartender lady well out of earshot. I’d roll with Pinky’s company. I was loving the feeling of talking with no exact reason rather than just thinking purely in logico-holographic ways as we do up there. The sensation of breathing was very nice too.The moving up and down of the chest area was soothing. Feeling my heart beat was also an amazing experience. We of course have no ‘organs’ up there. I noticed that this piece of organic machinery went dum-da-dum then a pause then another dum-da-dum. I found the rhythm was quite enchanting. I immediately knew from feeling this that the heart was a very special thing to a human being down here. As I listened to my own heartbeat I thought to myself.

This is very cool. The engineering of a human being was something else – so many moving parts all working together in one and in sync. It’s both primitive and complicatedly impressive at the same time.

xxxxx(Edit Point 19/05/2026)xxxxx

Pinky was seemingly telling me she was relaxing more now too. “Yep Southampton me too – relaxed relaxed relaxed relaxed relaxed RELAXED!” Though I did notice that with every extra “relaxed” she uttered sounded more and more like one of those horrible shrieking hell birds called Galah’s that live in Australia.

Pinky was still obsessed with the bar girl who I still didn’t know the name of. She hadn’t elaborated about her particular beef with the bartender. That is as to what the details as to why. Normally a man like Southampton would be running a mile at this point, but the ‘travelling alien’ presence in me of course stopped that. I was here for the emotional madness of Earth’s child-like adult humans. If Pinky was talking softly or shrieking wildly like a ‘Galah’ – I was all ears, as they say down here on Earth in the nineteen eighties. I was after all on holiday in a battleground – why not soak in the sights on offer? Pinky continued, and I was happy to finally learn the bartenders name.

“So I saw you looking at Kirsten….you know that bitch bartender – you like her don’t you? DON’T YOU!. I can tell. Tell me the truth Southampton. I WANT THE TRUTH THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!” She was sounding a little possessive already having known me all of twenty minutes to half an hour. Again my programming told me that this was an example of a human being with poor social maturity levels. But again I had signed up for it so I was content.

“Well she looks interesting – what can I say? I also like the way she moves. I don’t know anything about her though – maybe she is a bitch, but you would need to tell me why”.

“Well she is a bitch Southampton, and since you are being so lawyer-like, I will convince you by telling you this story ok?” Pinky said standing stout with hands on hips and a using glare-mode with her one good eye. Again I was happy. I was being entertained.

“Sure fire away – sorry for sounding like a fucking lawyer – I can be like that sometimes. It comes with being a school Principal. After all my teachers are basically criminals.” I said with not a tinge of regret in my voice. Pinky began.

“Yeah well I can understand that – all my high school teachers were either sleazes, lazy or teaching stuff that was plain wrong. Well Southampton ok I’ll tell you why Kirsten is mega B-I-T-C-H. It all began about a year ago. I was going out with this cute tall jacked guy name Tom Tillmark, who I had met here at the bar while we were both drunk as skunks. We hooked up on the first night we met. Then we came to this bar all the time together after getting loaded on cheaper drinks at his place. When that bitch saw we were an item, Kirsten was all of a sudden making eyes at my guy Tom all of the fuckin’ time – it made my blood boil Southampton. No girl likes another woman learin’ at her guy all the time. In small towns like this we ladies don’t mind rearranging another ladies face when the need appears Southampton”.

“Sounds bad, but it can’t be too bad – after all you and Kirsten are still in the same bar together, and you’re not locked up, she’s serving you tequila slammers too. And Kirsten’s face doesn’t exactly look re-arranged either”

“Well…..I was banned for six months.”

“Ok, well lets hear the full story then”, I said again knowing it might be boring but again the feeling of ‘boring’ was all new to me anyway.

“Ok so I was with Tom – boy what a hunk! Yeah he was probably out of my league but I got personality Southampton and with guys that goes a long way. Most gals have personalities as interesting as dry bread. I’m a quirky firebrand Southampton! So anyway, Tom worked in construction – that’s why he was so jacked. He had big bulging arms, nice buns, a cute face, was tall, had a great sense of humor – he was a class act with the rizz to boot….other than the one thing that pissed me off”.

“The sneaky bastard kept makin’ eyes at Kirsten the B-I-T-C-H the bartender almost every time we came in to the bar drunk. It’s like he couldn’t help himself. Now I half understand why he was a man-whore – why wouldn’t he be looking like that and being young? If I was a man I’d be a drunk man-whore around the bars myself”. My pre-programming was now telling me that Pinky was mixed up in a very dangerous thing humans in this era suffered from acutely: romantic jealousy. I was feeling that in these cases you are best not to confront the sufferer – especially if they are drunk and or emotional. Pinky was of course covering both cases right now.

“Well that must have annoyed you – I would be annoyed too, anyone would at their guy or girl always making eyes at another”. I noticed that my conversation skills were seemingly quite good – the designer had programmed me well, I was worried I’d not be able to converse freely, I thought to myself. Pinky seemed to respond well to me agreeing with her and continued.

“Yeah exactly – Graham Findlay Southampton you are a fuckin’ perceptive fella, a fuckin’ good one at that!” Pinky now laughed loud like an old construction worker and slammed her thighs with a shriek that was sounding a little less harsh, less Australian-Galah-like. Again I was happy to be playing along and loving life down here in The Wringer World, playing the mad game with the immature humans that the Holograhic ones called The Drudge.

“So tell me more, you’ve given details but not many Pinks – is it ok to call you Pinks? I feel so comfortable with you”.

“Sure Southampton, me too!. Well I’m not always good on details. I’m a big picture gal. And also I feel tired – and I think I suffer from ADHD so I’ll just cut to the chase and tell you the short version of the ‘me, Tom Tillmark and bitch Kirsten affair’, ok Southampton?”

xxxxxx(xxxx Edit 20/05/2026 xxxxxx) xx

“Ok sounds good” I said.

“Ok so me and hunky hunky Tom had been seeing each other for about three months, spending a lot of time at his place drinking and screwing around both figuratively and literally, then always coming here to the bar at nights. We were here about three nights a week, every week like clockwork. Kirsten was serving us a lot of drinks and all the time making a lot of eyes at my guy Tom Tillmark – MY guy Tom Tillmark”. Pinky was pointing to herself, with her finger tapping her chest over and over as she spoke. She continued the story.

“One night I got too sick of it all, I mean Kirsten’s flirting with MY Tom Tillmark. So one night – when I was ‘drunk as a skunk’ of course – I marched up to the bar and I reached over to her. I grabbed Kirsten’s hair and screamed at her DON’T KEEP MAKING EYES AT MY FUCKING MAN YOU BITCH, GET YOUR OWN FUCKIN’ GUY. YOU’VE BEEN MAKING ETES AT HIM FOR WEEKS ON END”. Of course she didn’t like being held with her face flat to the bar by her hair – but she should have had her wits about her more. But then I let my guard down. While I was pulling her hair and pushing her face into the bar she pulled off an amazingly well timed blind punch. It hit me squarely in the chin – totally knocking me out cold. I woke up to the manager splashing my face with water to wake me up, and Kirsten and my guy Tom was nowhere to be seen.

After here more detailed explanations, Pinky looked up at me like a sad child might have had they had their favorite toy taken away from them. Again I’d just play it cool and non-confrontational. There was no need to go wild this early in my beam-down, that is I mean to say there was no point in challenging an an emotional type like Pinky on my first night here.

“Oh wow – that’s kinda wild” I said – do you think Kirsten and Tom gone off together?”. Of course I knew that was a stupid question. Of course they did.

“Dunno, I never saw him again, not here not nowhere. God only knows what happened to him. I also never saw him with Kirsten either. When I came back to the bar two weeks later they served me with a six month ban. I still have the paperwork”. Pinky took a crumpled piece of paper out of her handbag and handed it to me. It was of course on company letterhead. I opened it up and read it.

13 February 1989

Dear Pinky Pinklowski,

Due to engaging with intimidation and violence at this premises with our staff, we hereby serve you with a six month ban. Please do not enter our premises before the six month period ends, or this notice will be doubled to one year.

G.D. Drinkzos (The Manager of Flopsies Bar & Nightclub).

Again I played it nice. “Oh ok well, it is what it is huh? This kind of thing will always happen when mixing the cocktail of dating, bars, and heavy drinking. A lot worse could have happened.”

“Yeah, that six months ban really sucked – I had to go to the crap bar across the road – McSwanko’s. That place is too full of over forty types that are nose deep into their nine-to-five office slave prison sentence. Those types are deluded Southampton. They don’t know that their the biggest slaves of ’em all, and they all live paycheck to paycheck just like us. But this is the problem in these small towns – there’s not enough drinking options. You can only choose varying degrees of nuthin’ good. I guess that’s my lot to be in this tiny ass town selling rocks at the market stall and talking to the likes of you Southampton. Good ol’ Gunktown can’t beat it or it’ll beat you”. Again Pinky did her laugh like an ‘Australian Galah’ and slap her healthy thighs routine.

I continued to be agreeable. But I realized in taking this easy option I was beginning to experience that thing they called ‘boredom’. Her talk of human-to-human conflict had started to make me want to scream at some poor victim myself – perhaps if I did that I could have some of that good biochemical stuff I’d heard about – I think it was called adrenalin. Up there I’d heard that adrenalin juiced even the already juiced bodies down here. Of course I knew about the other main feel-good human chemicals – dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin. I’m pretty sure I had already felt some dopamine already from the beer. Anyway It was again my turn to talk in return.

“Oh well never mind Pinks – at least the ban was only six months, you and Kirsten are now more or less ok – I mean you aren’t attacking each other – & here we are – drinking at Flopsies and admiring the nineteen eighties type of grunge-grime and faded grandeur!”. As I heard myself roll of some fancier words, I really enjoyed it. These words of the time were interesting. The designer had given me plenty of words to work with.

“Yeah true, it could have been a lot worse – but I still hate that bitch Southampton….I will never forgive her for tryin’ tp steal my hunk….and boy do I miss Tom, wherever he is now. He must have shot through town. But – I love this bar grime and what was it you said ‘faded grandeur’? Ahh…you’re a real wordsmith Southampton!” Pinky again did the slap and Galah routine and then kept toalking.

“I can’t leave this bar. I love this place. It’s my territory. I’ve been coming here forever. It’s like I almost have a spiritual connection to this place. Ah I guess I’m just a sad fucker, I’ve fallen in love with a bar – fuck me dead!”. Again Pinky did her patented roaring shrieking laughter and slap thigh routine. I was having a great time, no wonder we all want to come here. I continued with this talk-reply-talk-reply pattern of communication.

“Ha ha nice pun – ‘spiritually connected’- I like your sense of humour!” I said with a smile.

“What pun?” She said not seeing it. I just left it. I sensed explaining jokes to someone who didn’t understand in the first place was a fools errand – to use the parlance of the day of the late-eighties. We had now both finished our alcoholic vessels at the same time a few minutes ago and so had empty drinks. Empty drinks that wanted to be filled.

“I’ll get the next round” Said Pinky chirpily- “that way it’ll stop that bitch behind the bar making eyes at you again – Southampton you are my guy now”. This time she laughed with a short chuckle without a shrieking big thigh slap. Perhaps Pinky was showing some of what they call ‘subtlety’ in her character?

I was now suddenly feeling a brand new feeling. I was starting to feel something that I guessed was probably that thing they labelled ‘regret’. Regret for being beamed into this situation with Pinky. This confused me – I was really happy though a little bored just a second ago. I guess this was what it was like to be like them down here. After all they are still at that primitive flighty stage. For some ridiculous reason I thought that I didn’t want to be here at all. Of course from my experiences I was wise enough knew that was just the natural human emotionality factor mixed with drinking alcohol that affects their reasoning skills.

Even if I had wanted to ‘quit’ I could not. I had no available choice or freedom to ‘abort mission’, to end any particular beam-down. This made sense, as any beam down was inconsequential to your normal higher holographic life. The policy was that although yes it was annoying at the time if your particular beam-down went pear-shaped, it ultimately didn’t really matter if really bad things happened. It’s not really real, in the infinite higher plane holographic sense of existence.

So when you get beamed down here, yes you can’t ever chose to abort and that is good. Also they make it so that for ninety percent of the time you can’t really choose who is around you – it’s all pre-programmed and pre-loaded from your particular assigned case-designer. To be nice and as a bonus for good behavior, a designer will usually allow a seven to ten percent chance in ‘who you meet’ or ‘what you do’ to be able to be played out randomly during the span of the beam-down.

xxxx( Edit point 21/05/2026) xxxx

I guess it makes sense. I guess if you had more ‘free will’ that would be too ridiculous, too boring, too unnecessary and create too much paperwork up there. It’s far more efficient for the bureaucratic loving designers to pre program as much as possible. At least there’s ten percent free will I thought to myself – but I knew that you couldn’t use it to change the main fixed parameters. So that meant I’d definitely stay a Principal in Schlumpton, I’d stay in Gunktown, I’d stay a functional alcoholic etc.

That was ok I trusted the process – after all I had agreed to the main overarching parameters anyway, such as my ‘nine to five-ishness’. I trusted my particular designer, the guy with office clerk rendering and a big wooden desk without a computer – what was his name again? – I think his name was Asignovic. These human brains are such bad memory systems. In short on this beam-down and like all my prior beam-downs, I was still enjoying it all. So it was easy to trust the system. I would not abort even if I could. There’s really no point rebelling against an infinite personal oasis is there?

Then I saw that Pinky had gone to the bathroom instead of the bar – I guessed she ‘had to pee’ as they cute-ly say in this game down here. While I was standing alone looking at my reflection amongst the bottles, the old guy who was sitting alone at the bar came up to me and started talking. He had a scruffy tweed jacket and wore a flatcap. he had a musty smell. His type all looked the same in the era – ‘the old men who hold up the bar’. These types always looked like a guys from a long time ago – in this case he was dressed like it was still the nineteen forties. I guess the mid to late forties were probably his best years as a young man – it would make sense to immortalize them in your personal fashion. This was common. He also wore a trench coat over his tweed jacket. He spoke up in slightly gingerly fashion, with a stooped posture and pointing his finger lazily at me as he introduced.

“Hey, my names Jack – say you don’t mind saying hello to an old fool do ya for a second while yer missus is away in tha can d’ya?” Of course I was happy to talk to him. We beam downers usually have no reason to be snobs – unless of course we chose to be in the first place. I of course was looking for more human experiences beyond just chatting to Pinky. I told him it was all good and used the eighties lingo as best I could to tell him I was happy to talk.

“Hey no worries Jack – yes fire away my friend! My name’s Southampton – I love your attire, it’s like the nineteen forties Hollywood actors clothes I’ve heard about”. Of course I wasn’t going to tell him that he looked like a nineteen forties Hollywood actor who was playing a scruffy old man who spends his life wondering ‘what if’ and drowning his sorrows daily by holding up the bar decade after decade until he ‘croaks’. In fact quite a few beam-downers actually chose this kind of character to inhabit. I could see his face lift as he now introduced himself.

“Southhapton, it’s mighty nice ta meet ya” he shook my hand and gripped it with huge force, making my hand send a big signal of pain to my – or should I say – ‘Southampton’s brain.

“Ahh shit! Jack that’s a mega firm grip you’ve got!”

“Well – I ain’t no poof Southampton! I’m here for strong experiences! I’m an old codger, but I still love to talk to strangers in dive bars like this – most people think that’s weird. . .but I reckon it’s just how I’m programmed ya could say – understand Southampton?” My mind was telling me that Jack was more than just a non descript drunk holding up the bar. In fact weirdly I felt that as he talked I was the one thinking his words up. I had the following thought. But he couldn’t be one of us. The chances of him being a fellow beam-downer – given we are infinite and go to an infinite number of locations and times – were – and forgive the pun – astronomically small. I decided not to make an issue of it – I decided to ‘flat back’ it as what they say in this epoch when they subtly play someone’s words down.

“That’s funny you say that – that’s exactly the kind of view I have Jack. I like the cut of you jib – hey why don’t you….” Before I could finish the sentence he was gone from my presence – and he was sitting back on the bar stool. But he didn’t just walk over there – he just appeared back where he was as if he had never came over at all. he looked over, I waved at him but he said nothing and went back to his drink, again as if he had not ever walked over and met me at all. It was strange but I let it be. Perhaps I’d get an explantion later. In theory it could be a ‘glitch’ – if it was then this would mean he was definitely one of us, a fellow beam-downer. I could see that Pinky was coming out of the toilet.

xxxxx(xx Edit Pouint 27/05/2026 xxx)xxx

I watched her walk over to the bar where bartender Kirsten was busying herself dusting liquor bottles that had no dust on them. She was in the middle of the bar having only just served the strange old man Jack another beer. I now focused on Pinky’s butt. I guess that’s just the programming, I thought to myself. It was nicely shaped, if a little bit too big, but still nice none the less. I heard Pinky talk to the very striking looking bartender, Kirsten.

“I’ll have two more of the same Kirsten” she glared at Kristen and said the words with clenched teeth and a cold tone of voice. The grudge was real. Kirsten being a long term bartender had seen it all before. After all dive-bar bartenders are well experienced in the dregs of society as well as the dregs of a sputtering almost empty keg. Pinkies cold glare caused no emotions to surface whatsoever. She knew she could handle hot-headed women like Pinky with ease. Kirsten flat-batted a cutting reply to the glare, which was only half a glare anyway with Pinky’s other eye behind what was essentially a dead ringer for a pirate’s eye-patch.

“Sure that’s cool Pinky. But then Alcohol does make your personality a lot better. But then again it’s pretty easy to go upwards from zero ain’t it?” said Kirsten in dead-pan fashion but with a tinge of a smart-alec smile tagged on to the end. This sparked Pinky. Yes Pinky had what the men in these kinds of bars casually called ‘big tits’ but that was beside the point. The point is was more than happy to engage with in battle with another female in true ‘fight fire with fire’ and ‘tit for tat’ fashion.

“Haha Kirsten” at this time Pinky put on her laugh and slap routine instead of the genuine routine she had done while talking with me. Pinky continued. “Just mind your biz bitch and don’t think about making eyes at this new guy I got myself here tonight”. Pinky pointed over to me. She continued with the mini tirade. “ok bitch – look we both know I’m a sad lonely chick who and I don’t want any of that crap that went down like last time with you and your eymy gorgeous Tom”

“What eyes you crazy nut?” Said Kirsten, willfully lying. She had made more than eyes at ‘Pinky’s guy Tom’ long ago at that fateful night that led to Pinky’s six month ban.

“Just don’t do it bitch ok – now poor the drinks okay?”. Pinky was getting more offensive which Kirsten of course noticed.

“You’re pretty pushy given the circumstances Pinky. Ok – I’ll pour. I’ll ignore your schoolgirl taunts. But just remember you’re lucky you’re allowed in here at all – remember that ok? Remember that I stopped them from life banning you” Kirsten said the words confidently, looking at Pinky squarely in the eyes. Pinky didn’t reply. She was rude – yes, emotionally driven – yes. But for the most part she was not stupid. She seemed interesting to me – remember there is no extraverted emotionally driven types in the holo-world that I am used to. To me this jungle-like behavior is truly amazing to see. We holo-men are deeply jealous of the ability to feel emotions at all let alone the turbulent ones seen down here on Earth. The little verbal war I had just witnessed subsided like there had never been harsh words spoken. Sometimes these humans seem to see themselves in the mirror and suddenly soften up before your very eyes. Kirsten handed the drinks over the bar. Pinky ambled back with the drinks at sat down returning to her spot on the bar stool right next to me. Pinky sat in silence until Kirsten was out of earshot.

“Did you see that? I told you she was a total bitch B-I-T-C-H bitch, Southampton”. I thought it wise to defer to her yet also try to divert her attention to something not Kirsten.

“Well we got our drinks lets talk about something more interesting than “Kirsten The Dive Bar Bartender”. I even used the quotation hand signals. This was the influence of this Southampton’s brain I was inhabiting side by side with. But would my upfront words stop her obsessing about Kirsten?.

“Ok, what will we talk about” Pinky said perkily, a little too perkily – almost like she was a bit manic. Which she was. I’m sure she had a depressive side too. In my various beam downs here over the millenia I had noticed there were a lot more manic depressive types than manic only types. But that wasn’t a surprise Pinky was a little ‘off the wall’ as they say in this era. I had already picked up on it. And anyway – look where I was. Dive bars and quasi dive-bars self select themselves for troubled people. But the strange thing is people who choose troubled environments often delude themselves that they are the kind of beings that can ‘swim without getting wet’ as it were. Or as one of the smarter philosopher ones down here said “if you stare into the abyss long enough you can be sure that it will stare back”. Here I was in Flopsies, an abyss, a dive bar where you swim and you will definitely also get wet – well unless at heart you know your a holo-man like me that is. Now back to me and Pinky’s conversation – she had asked me ‘what we should talk about’.

xxx (Edit point 30/05/2026) xxx

“You decide” I said. After all I was here to listen to humans, observe and of course laugh. Not always at them. I had a slug of my beer. I was definitely starting to realise I was trapped with Pinky for at least another hour. After that I might be able to escape, then I could slip in to the next bar – McSwankos, the bar that was right over the road. I didn’t want to go home early. That would go against the whole reason I was here. As per how I was programmed, I was a boring guy with a steady job I didn’t like, who lighted and lightened up via booze at night – I was programmed by the designer to be a functional alcoholic. That being the case, I wasn’t going top go home before midnight no matter what. Pinky was about to tell me what she wanted to talk about.

“Ok I’ll talk about the rocks I sell at the weekend markets” Again she said this even more manicly – her voice had gone a bit more chirpy and shrill like.

“Ok shoot away”. I said. I knew this would probably be boring – but the ‘I hate Kirsten’ stuff was to much to bear. So I opened my ears and hoped for the best.

“Well, everything was going great at the market when I was doing the pictures of cats, I was selling a lot to all the lonely old people that love their cats. But then that market-owner-lady-bitch-dog lover ruined it all. How dare she stop me from painting cats! That’s what the bitch did Southhampton! I was making so much money and she ruined it!. The flowers, rainbows and Suns I do now only sell about half as much as the cats! That bitch Lucille has totally garnished my income I had to return my car – I had this ’68 Camaro on payments, and with the reduction in sales due to that bitch Lucille, I could no longer afford it”.

“It seems you have a lot of run ins with females Pinky – but then again I only have two data points – Kirsten the bartender at Flopsies, and now Lucille the Saturday stall – market manager. Am I wrong in my assessment?”

“Well I do get on better with men – I’ve always been a tom boy – I even used to climb the tree out back all the time when I was a little girl – a real tom boy cliché, don’t ya think – oh Graham Findlay Southampton?”.

At last she showed a genuine smile, and she looked a little more playful instead of frazzled and manic. I hoped it would last but I doubted that she’d stop talking about the various “bitches” that had wronged her. The third B-I-T-C-H would surely pop up in conversation soon. Or maybe she would walk in the bar at sit near us – or more correctly sit near Pinky – like a lamb-to-the-slaughter. Pinky replied to my question so now it was my turn to talk.

“Well there’s nothing wrong with being a tom boy these days Pinky – after all that way you’ll have more fun as an adult and navigate life better – I bet you can change a tire for instance – correct?”

“Sure can!” She did her laugh & slap routine, then continued. “I can even fix your transmission if ya want – no bullshit either!”

“Wow” This was good – she was becoming more interesting. It was about time. She wasn’t just a woman who didn’t like other woman. She actually could do a lot of things in the real world. She wasn’t just a talker. I thought I’d keep going and delve a little.

“So this means you can do a lot of trades type handy stuff? Like you can probably fix a leak on the roof when it rains?”

“Check” she said again looking happy and not manic.

“You can probably build a wooden table?”

“Check, I built all my furniture actually – I even have a small woodworking shed out back. I organized it all Southampton. I ain’t JUST no jive talkin’ dive bar drunk-o ya know!”. I enjoyed the poetic words very much. It is these times is when I am extra glad to be here listening. I continued the back and forth,

“Wow Pinky, you have a lot of talents!” I tried the slap and laugh thing – but it came off far too wooden, and Pinky rolled her eyes and too a slug of her drink. I didn’t let it rattle me. “Pinky – you’re actually bloody interesting and have potential – I’m sure you can meet another Tom”. As soon as I had said that I knew I’d made a mistake. Within seconds I saw her face go from pink to white to orange to red, and then to purple. Then she started to scream.

“TOM!!!! FUCKING TOM!!! I FUCKING MISS TOM!!!!!! HE WAS THE ONE!!!!! THAT BITCH!!!!! THAT BITCH KIRSTEN RUINED IT ALL!!!! THAT BITCH!!!!”

Then it got worse – she threw her glass through at the wall. It smashed loud and crisply. Pinky then ran over to Kirsten. Being a little overweight she was jiggling with each step. She somehow jumped over the bar in one go, landed with a thud and started going off at her- she was howling and pointing and spitting in her face. She was repeating the same line over and over YOU FUCKING BITCH I HATE YOU!!!

Kirsten was toe to toe with Pinky the bartender. Kirsten tried to remain calm, and was doing it well. This is what I heard next from the relaxed position of my barstool.

“Pinky, calm down. I’m warning you go back to your seat, you better not do what you did last time or you’ll get a lifetime ban – GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT NOW!”. Kirsten pointed to the fallen over barstool beside me. She was firm and confident. She’s seen it all before. And then I was surprised at what I saw. Pinky broke down entirely. Her shoulders slumped and she started to cry uncontrollably. She wasn’t just crying – she was wailing.

Kirsten saw it and must have after all the years of bartending in dives, had somehow managed to maintain a beating heart in her chest. She started to hug Pinky, consoling her. “It’s ok don’t worry about it, come on I’ll take you to your stool, and I’ll call you a taxi home”.

Boy that Kirsten was a talented lady I though to myself. Kirsten took her back over to me and her empty fallen down stool, hugging her all the way the way ladies do to support each other. All the while Pinky still sobbed like a schoolgirl. The other patrons looked shocked, but only mildly – as ecperienced drinkers in dive-bars, they had seen it all before and much worse too. I got up and helped her as she sobbed and got her to sit down. Kirsten then left us and went back to behind the bar and called for a taxi. I tried to console Pinky with some well thought out heartfelt words. I pored he a water from the full water jug that was in front of us. As I did this without thinking, I thought how well the designer had programmed me to do this. I tried more calmign words for Pinky.

“Hey Pinky, don’t worry – I can tell you’ve been through a lot. Anyone who loses half their income because of some controlling bitch who doesn’t want you to paint cats because she’s a nutty-machiavellian-narciccisstic-dog-lover is gonna drive anyone to go wild at the nearest dive bar”.

Pinky looked up at me with kind eyes, but then unfortunately started to sob even more – but this time more quietly, more muffled. This was making me feel uncomfortable. It was then I realized that the designer had made an error in my programming. Surely I wasn’t supposed to feel this uncomfortable right now?. It was a real discomfort of the chest tightening type. Then I realized that this wasn’t an error. It all made sense. The designer had to mad a part of me to be intentionally cold-hearted. It had to be this was so as to also make me a party loving by night, boring school principal of a small town by day, functional alcoholic. you could not have one without the other.

The taxi man soon came in and I helped Pinky to the door. I was relieved. the hard wired cold-heartedness was doing its thing. I didn’t have to escape to the next bar. I didn’t need to make some excuse to Pinky. Everything had worked out great! I though to myself. I went over to the bar to make eyes at and try to chat up Kirsten, and of course drink the night away. I was committed to living in this Wringer World, playing the game called The Drudge, just as the designer had programmed me to do. I would do the obvious thing and – as they say here – ‘play it all by ear’. I would not – as they say here – ‘over analyze’, I would just see what ‘popped up’.

Between serving the odd customer, Kirsten and I got on like a house on fire. Pinky was not around to ruin things. I was thinking I had a chance. I could come chat her up over the period of a few weeks and then maybe ask her out. As the night went on me and Kirsten chatted about a whole range of interesting things: How it’s impossible to find a good partner working as a bartender. She liked conspiracy theories: The moon landing (we both thought it was faked); The Piramids (they were from a previous but now extinct, high tech civilization); The JFK Assassination (We agreed it was probably a joint project between the CIA, the military and the mafia – because he was stepping on too many asshole’s toes); UFO’s (I said they are ‘us from the future in time machines’ – because I knew this to be true – she said they were ‘demons’ as she still had remnants of catholic school in here). We talked about even more interesting but down to earth things than that – such of how she used to live in the once wild and rich London in her youth in the late sixties and early seventies. I had the human feelings of being ‘smitten’. Again, this kind of experience was why I was here. I was happy.

While I sat there talking to Kirsten, I dreaded about having to leave Kirsten and the Flopsie Bar and go and have to do the boring side of my life. I dreaded the thought of leaving the drinking scene and going to be a small-town two-bit school principal. Worse a school principal with no perceivable sense of humor. I was starting to doubt my talk with the designer before I came down here. But I put it out of my mind. I was enjoying this cold-heartedness. I was enjoying Kirsten. I was enjoying these feelings.

I secretly hoped that the designer would not jump in and make my heart warmer. That would mean I would lode focus. That would mean I start to worry about Pinky. Then I would start to worry about all the other broken people. The smitten feeling came from this programmed selfish cold-heartedness. I really liked the cut of this Kirsten girls jib. After all as a cute, talkative and intelligent bartender she was the perfect accompliment to my programmed alcoholism. I had a thought that made me feel even happier – she’d probably start giving me free drinks soon!.

For the rest of the night I sat at the bar talking about more heavy but also fun things. The smiles flew back and forth, as did the laughs. The eye contact built on itself. I was experiencing what they call ‘amazing chemistry’. The bar closed just after one am, I said my goodbyes to Kirsten as she closed up. I felt like askign her home – but the designer had programmed me well to know this was not wise. -As they say here in the small town nineteen eighties life – if I asked her home on the first night that would be seen as ‘moving too fast’. I’d also be mixing the two sides of my life – the boring but neccessary (principal in Schlumpton) and the shallow fun (living a functional alcoholic dive bar life here at Flopsies at Gunktown). I even a big smile and a little hug. I was happy.

As I got into the taxi home to start the boring side of my life, my mind was whizzing. I thought of the ‘possibilities’ with Kirsten. Maybe we’d have a wild fling. Maybe I was just fooling myself. But maybe I’m being paranoid thinking I’m fooling myself! And because of this cold-heartedness, there was not a tinge of sadness in my heart when I realized that due to the way I was programmed, that even if things went amazingly well with Kirsten – it was unlikely we would ever marry or be long time partners. I knew things would play out the way they were supposed to. I didn’t know exactly why the designer had played it this way – but I trusted them fully and without question. I had the thoughts: it must have had to be that way. It must have been needed to live this kind of life I had been allocated. I cannot change this superficial cold heartedness, I must embrace it – it is giving me a good time, is it not?. Besides – the dull side of my life that happens monday to friday nine to five helps the people down here, in Schlumpton does it not? of course it does! The designer is always right!

But then again, I was lucky – I knew how this ‘wringer world’ worked. You could say I had been blessed with an unfair advantage. I could just be me, and enjoy my programming as it allowed and how it was always meant to be. I’d have a good time on the weekends, and be bored but somewhat effective and helpful during the week – maybe on a good day you could call it ‘ being caring to the people around me’.

I was philosophical about these uncertainties that had entered my mind as the night had progressed. One day I’ll do something else on another planet, as another being, and I’ll ask the designer to give me a bigger heart – I’ll be more confidant in myself. I was now ok with everything. When you know how the game works, you don’t take life in a beam-down so seriously. This is just a bounce among an infinite number of others. I will always trust the designer intuitively. If only others in the Wringer World knew what I knew – things would be a lot nicer for them. The bad environment these people face down here is really there own fault. People like us can’t be expected to swoop in a save them. It’s a long and personal journey they are on themselves.

That said – towards the end when it’s time to return to have the debrief with the designer about your bounce, there is always that tiny bit of sadness that somehow sneaks in. Sure it is only due to the ‘law of the uncertainty principle’ that is written into every possible universe (and so inside every bounce and every higher level holographic world) but this doesn’t mean it’s not real.

This uncertainty hardwired into all universes unfortunately means no matter how you have been programmed, every entity that experiences a bounce or a beam-down, cannot but help feel at least some regret and sadness for ‘what could have been’. As the designer always drums into me – ‘It [that is fundamental uncertainty] is both a paradox and a law of every possible universe – so don’t beat yourself up for feelings of regret and sadness – they are completely normal’.

And now after my countless beam down and so many bounces, it is also something I couldn’t do without, something I long for – and you never know exactly when it will hit you either.You can be feeling happily cold-hearted on moment, and full of sadness and regret the next moment. You can be making eyes at a Kirsten while being wildly drunk at a dive bar, and then suddenly worry about a Pinky who is crying herself to sleep in her bed.

Sometimes I have this recurring wild thought that this hardwired unchangeable, unprogrammable effect that brings on these softer feelings is the real reason for everything we do inside and outside these bounces and beam-downs – but I always make sure to force myself to discount this possibility. I mean – how could I ever allow myself to believe such a thing? For this would mean I’ve merely been playing what those Wringer -Worlder’s call a ‘side hustle’ but calling it the ‘main event’. I have been doing this for an infinite number of years. To reverse my opinion of ‘why I do what I do’ would be erasing a hell of a lot of cognitive dissonance.

If this thesis was the case – that I’d been living the side show and not the main event – I could not know this to be a fact and also not also have the essence of my very being melt down entirely. It would be just like that night at the bar with Pinky – only infinitely worse. I would be crying infinite tears in an infinite sized bed in all possible universes.

For what if uncertainty was the point of everything? What if I’d been playing all these infinite bounces amd beam-doens in all the universes wrong all along – for all of the eternity that I’d been around? What if I’ve been playing the wrong game. What if indeed. It would mean I’d been wrong about everything. And perhaps that’s why the designer kept sending me here for eternity.

Of course, in the end I decided to not make a decision on this revelation of mine. This meant I had made a decision to stay a fool, to keep playing the game called The Drudge, down here on the field of play – The Wringer World. I would keep trusting the assigned the designers for each particular case I am assigned to. Am I addicted to the wrong game? Hell! – yes, probably. Am I having a good time? Hell! – certainly yes. Will I wonder what might have been? Hell I will! For eternity! Was Kirsten really a bitch? Hell! – who knows? Will I come to my senses and embrace The Uncertainty Principle – and with it the ability to feel more on the next bounce? It could happen. And what about Pinky? Will she ever gain inner peace?

And incidently about this this bounce, there was something that particularly bugged me. For eternity I kept asking myself this – who was that old man holding up the bar anyway? Like me he certainly wasn’t strictly human. He did not seem it. He was very interested in what was going on. He might have been one of us. After all – he certainly looked a lot like me, only a lot older. I noticed that he couldn’t keep his weepy eyes off the bartender girl Kirsten either. Surely he wasn’t me. Though the designer has told me this kind of thing is possible – you can indeed meet a different version of yourself on the same bounce. It can happen.

The End

“The Disease that Was Killed with a Slogan” (Prose)

I walk back from the place & see my neighbour.

They are Gen Z – about 23.

We’ve Been Neighbours since he was born.

I am a young Gen X – I’m 47.

I haven’t ever really said much to the young fella,

Probably because neighbors these days avoid each other in general.

But he knows I’m his neighbor & vice versa (of course).

Anyway, so I’m walking home.

He sees me from about thirty meters away he’s walking towards me.

And so he doesn’t have to interact with another human being,

He sells a dummy & pretends he’s going to the other direction.

But I’m on to him – he’s bad at executing.

As I walk pass him, not five meters later, he veers back to his original plan and direction.

Proof he’s gone out of his way to avoid me, because it obvious that a passing nod is all too much for him.

If this is the future of our species WE have no hope.

They try to avoid all stress – even the smallest tiniest piece of it.

Thinking more deeply about it, this is surely the behaviour of an endangered animal that is inevitably soon due for extinction.

Let me illustrate the point with a wildlife analogy.

If it was a nature doco about the small endangered ‘Furry Zwapzwap’ of Gonkswania,

The narrator would say:

Sadly the small furry Zwapzwap has become so reclusive over the last century, that it has given up entirely on the stress of communication at all, & is now mute. It is now unable to make it’s former muffled warbling sound. This also means it has tragically lost it’s mating call. It no longer reproduces at all, except by accident when one furry Zwapzwap falls over onto another member of the opposite sex. The Gonwanian Zwapzwap is so now shy it only ventures out when it has to eat, and only eats the minimum so to the reduce stress of being outside to long outside its safe warm underground burrow. Sadly, with all this lack of vitality, Furry Zwapzwap numbers have fallen dramatically to the point of-no-return where even a ‘massive accidental copulation event’ will not stop their total extinction by the year 2075.

The world needs to realise that the under 35 crowd- aka the species future hopes – are the f*cking weak afraid-of-livng furry Zwapzwaps that are breeding themselves and ‘future us out’ of existence.

And p.s. I don’t really care about us aging Gen X’s – we’ve done ‘the tour of duty’ – we’re allowed to start slowly fading away. It’s the Future that matters. No one should start fading away at age sixteen, twenty three, thirty one.

I think we need a new ‘Manhatten Project’ to stop all this ‘scaredie cat’ nonsense.

I’m not saying this is the best strategy option – but perhaps the following scheme easiest way to save future extinction:

Cheap Rent,

Cheap Alcohol,

Lots of late night shitty meat-market bars re-open,

A shitty but guaranteed job for every and any dopey schmuck loser.

I call this theory by a very interesting name:

“Roll back the Wowsering, Roll on the Partying”.

And I reckon you’d win an election with it as a slogan.

If I come up with a less based, more refined way to save us all – I’ll let you know.

But I have a sneaking suspicion there is none.

Hopefully by the time I am 125, I trust someone long ago with more energy than me will have read this prose as a young man or woman, & then championed my idea in the real world of high Politics.

And then perhaps all going well, I will be reading a History book of the Twenty First Century just ended that has a chapter called:

Roll back the Wowsering, Roll on the Partying: The Disease that Was Killed with a Slogan.

But if not we’ll certainly go the way of the Romans, which is sad but probably fitting – given that we are technically the last remnant of The Roman Empire anyway.

If this latter case is the case, I’ll be the last Human on earth age 125, casually reading a dirt-salvaged History book with the chapter:

No One Rolled back the Wowsering, No One Was Partying: And Isn’t It a Pity That We’re All Now Extinct

“Some Drunken Life Advice Is Actually Great”(A Poem/Prose)

By Martin Anton Smith

The place was a writer’s dream – cheap & clean, & mostly empty of people.

But just enough to provide some potential material.

The room & overall building were perfect! – old quant but quality architecture.

These century plus old places have memories that whisper into your ear.

It was placed nicely up high & so had the city & ocean views.

Turns out I didn’t write squat while there – but I got ‘writing fuel’ – & that’s all that matters.

With these short trips you feel like a lord – that’s just one of the devil’s sneaky trick’s –

He takes away 90% of the year but gives you a luxurious mirage for the 10% balance.

I go to the nearest dive bar, which is a quality one – a hybrid, if you will.

The bartender is a suave fella tall & slender, wears black, looks like a punk rocker & has an English accent.

He’s way too good for the place, unless he agrees his place is to make it better – which he does.

I believe If he believes it, he’ll survive better.

So on the second night I decide to drink.

I drink the cheap beers, slung over the bar stool at the bar.

It’s quiet so I have plenty of chat time with old Bartender Bob.

There’s the normal patter, but I’ll stick with what’s good.

He tells me he’s been with a chick for 7 years, but it’s well on the slide.

There’s no rooting & no talking, they hardly see each other.

They’re living what is adroitly called “parallel lives” – a typical story.

So my ‘older man gives advice to the younger man’ eyes light up.

I know he’s a quality man so I tell him “if it’s turned sour don’t wait till you 40 to turf it”.

I think that’s fair – those years from 33 to 40 are prime & not to be wasted.

And If you’re gonna crash out in life those years will be the ones,

& if you’re a Bloke – it’s almost certain that a chick will be the catalyst.

Yeah – I Know what you ladies are screaming- “SEXIST PIG!!!”

But facts are facts – I’m just relaying what I’ve seen of others, & what’s been done to me.

And I’ve been around the blocks – I’m pushing 50.

The most important Life “Facts” come from a metaphorical Auschwitz AND they are true.

The fools that refuse to see it, eventually have their rose-tinted glasses shattered.

The rest of the night was of no interest.

I went back the next day for a few more beers.

I followed up on our conversation.

Bartender Bob had moved quickly.

He told me as soon as he woke up while half asleep he’d broken up with her.

I guess he listened to my wise sage like advice –

But in those situations, you feel a tinge of guilt.

The thought crosses your mind

“Did I just play a hand in totally fucking up this decent guy’s life”.

But I’m a wise man & thought about this yesterday, when I was giving advice –

I merely said that he should tell her “I want to go on a break”.

You see, that way it can be a reversable healthy thing that’s going on.

They can get back together if that’s the right thing to do,

or not, if that’s the right thing to do.

And if she holds a massive grudge & hates him for it?

Well then she’s a total bitch & the decision was proved right beyond doubt.

I rest my case your honour!

I take no responsibility for any shit that now blows up in Bob’s chisled punk-rocker face.

I only hope he doesn’t think he ‘loves her’ – then he’s in for a ride from hell regardless.

God Speed, Barman Bob.

The rest of the six day trip was pretty boring,

Other than a bloody great second hand bookstore,

Full of pre-loved books,

That still have a lot to offer a new person with fresh eyes,

Even though they are battered, musty, stained & worn.

There’s a lesson in that for us all (incl. Bob).

“Learning To Love The Alien” (A short Story)

by M. Anton Smith

I was at my local dive bar drinking my usual dirty-glassed-ales. I was in my usual spot – holding up the bar. I’d been coming here for years. I had long since traded in the flashy bars full of corporatised types for these sometimes rough, but honest ones.

I now saw dive bars & all their grime as a thing of beauty. All-told, in this little dank world, there were a lot less lies flying around than those pretentious city bars.

The down side of these places, was that there were also a lot of actual flies flying around.

In this bar I have always greeted the long-term bartender the same way, & she always played along with my very silly script.

It went like this:

“Yo Sally!

“Yo Matinski you Ol’ Bastard”

“Lady Sally, What’s a fine out-of-this-world girl like you doing in a place like this?”

“Matinski you old asshole! I’m here for one reason & one reason only: Killing is my business & business is good”.

“So long as I only die slowly and with a smile on my dial, Sally”

“That’s a Deal Matinski”.

Yes, It was real C-grade hollywood stuff we were re-creating.

Sally & me always laughed hard after this mini-performance. It was no matter that we had said the same routine forever. Occaisionally even some fellow bar flies would clap & laugh at the end. It was our little ordinary gag to raise our spirits. People with our kind of thankless jobs needed these moments of joy.

Little did I know that this particular night, I was about to have a very out-of-the-ordinary encounter with a new out-of-towner type. He was very strange but very interesting – this is always a good combination to entertain.

You see, my philosophy in life is this: you’ve got to love the world’s weirdo’s – so long as they’re not too violent. That way you will guarantee yourself many a fun toboggin ride. Just make sure you don’t get too close.

My life philosophy then immediately sprung to life while I was gulping a beer at the bar .

A very tall & lanky & well-dressed man came along. Quirkily for these times, he was whistling a tune while he walked – which sounded a little like the original theme song to ‘star trek’.

He sat two stools down & ordered a Martini. He was smart enough not to sit right next to me, so not to cramp my style. ‘Close sitters’ annoy me. A man needs his space, & I assume a woman does too. This is doubly so in small towns like this.

This fella wore a shimmering outfit, a little more than what those corporate bums call “smart casual attire”. He had a fashionable heavy stubbled beard with a shaggy crop of shoulder length, dark brown hair.

I guessed he was around my age of mid-to-late forties. From his energy & look I felt that this wag was a freewheeling, well-dressed, silver-tongued devil – a big town blow in kinda, guy who I probably couldn’t trust. But if that was true – then he fit my life philosophy perfectly.

He said to Sally the bartender:

“Hi beautiful! Make me a Martini my fine bar lady, & make it ‘as cold as antarctica’ & as ‘fine as a peacock'”.

In a theatrical vein he used his fingers for the quotation marks around ‘fine as a peacock’.

Sally replied, dryly as ever:

“Sir, our fridge runs at a high temperature so as to save on electric, & the only thing that’s fine in this place is my butt – but I can serve you a pretty good Martini, that I can do”.

Yes sir, Sally was one of those one-of-a-kind bartenders. The ones where if they leave, the magic leaves the bar with them.

After drinking the Martini down quick-smart, he ordered another, then another, & then half way through his current big gulp, he looked over squarely at me.

Here I was a sturdy man of 46 wearing workman’s clothes, covered in paint. Ten years prior I was in a suit & tie, in another far less honest kind of prison than this current one. And lets not kid ourselve – we all live in some kind of a prison in this world – it’s all just a matter of degree.

What he couldn’t see from my exterior – was that which I was an intellectual & former careersman, who had dropped out of society. By ditching the organised souless machine world all I did was what all good intellectuals, bookworms, orjust plain revolutionaries end up doing.

“Hey fella you look like you’ve had a harder than hard day”, the well-dressed-blow-in piped up.

“No harder that most people in this area”, I said.

He introduced himself simply as ‘Shallowton’ & then kept talking without missing a beat.

“Shallowton by name Shallowton by nature! – Well, I reckon after your day you deserve a fancy drink my friend! – how bout I buy you an extra limey Mohito?”

“Nice to meet ya Shallowton! – I’m Matinski -I’ll drink with ya – but I only drink beer – none of that fancy townee shit”.

I said this because it was true. Beer was so perfectly versatile – I agreed totally with the late American writer ‘Bukowski’ & his maxim about beer. So, when I’d had a good day, I drank beer to celebrate. When things didn’t go well, I drank it to commiserate. When I was bored, I drank it to make something happen. That makes me sound like an alco – but to use another old drinkers cliche – I always knew I could stop if I really wanted to.

There is also more reasons to only drink beer. A good branded beer is tasty in itself, & beer is alcohol-diluted enough to be the safest booze on offer versus everything else. You’d have to drink a tonne of beer for it to ruin your life, whereas with hard liquor, you only need a few to many glasses, bottles or shots. Incidentally wine sits between these two extremes.

Now back to my bar conversation with the out-of-towner Shallowton. He continued is opening words.

“Ok man, I won’t argue with a local, suit yourself! – beer it is!”

Shallowton said this with ebullience, & ordered it from Sally. He peeled of the cash from a big roll from his pocket just like a gangster.

Sally expertly poured it as usual – with a one-inch froth on top in a clean glass, that wasn’t actually so clean.

I didn’t usually accept free drinks from strangers, but today hd been a hard day & needed to be commiserated. I’d also had a minor accident – I had taken a whole full can of paint to the head, which left a sore bump – but not anything any one would notice.

I accepted his hospitality, & begun some stock-standard bar chit-chat. With normies this would be painful, but with weirdos it’s all fun as it transforms into weirdness, hilarity, tears or sometimes even fisticuffs.

I drank to the top off my shouted beer – shouted beers are always tastier. I’d now happily talk to Shallowton.

“Thanks fella – so what’s your story anyway? I can tell you sure as hell ain’t from these parts.”

“You’re right my workin’ class fellow – I’m from a long long way away in a big big city, full of fumes & ill begotten money, & loaded to the hilt with shysters of every flavour…& maybe I’m one of them”.

Shallowton slapped the table to further punctuate his sentence.

I didn’t ask him the name of his place or origin – I didn’t really care anyway, I mean after all most big cities are a dime a dozen – that aussie singer Paul Kelly was dead right – when you’ve seen one big city, you’ve seen ’em all – they all look the same.

“So, what brings you here to this one-horse, two-bit town” I said in true cowboy-like, Wyatt Earp fashion – hell I even looked the part wearing a khaki bombers jacket, flannel shirt, black jeans, steel capped boots & with my usual olive green wide-brimmed-hat on.

“Well Matinski, I needed to get away from the dirty city, get some fresh country air. I had to get away from the stresses & the hoards of working with all those zombie eyed-clinically-depressed-nine-to-five-slave-robots. Although of course I’m not like that – I work six-to-six & wouldn’t touch an anti-depressant. I love my stressed life. But Yep Matinski – I have some big big big daddy recurring stresses in my daily life – but I wouldn’t change a thing”.

Shallowton said his words proudly & with a half-smile – so I took it he was one of those people that actually enjoy stress. He was the type that seeks stress out & can’t do without it. He was one of those that occupied a moneyed sweet spot in the corporate hierarchy in big cities.

Those types love stress, even when it eats them alive. They want stress to eat them alive -it’s how they stay alive. These lifestyles are obviously a form of addiction & they are the addicts. In other words, he was exactly the type of person I didn’t want to be around anymore. You see those kinds of people love to make their problems your problems. Those types belonged in my long distant big city past.

I now started to feel tinges of regret for talking to him & worse I was digging myself deeper by accepting his free drink. Mentally, I scolded myself for allowing myself to think that way. With thinking like that I was simply being overly risk adverse. I soon relaxed again when I remembered my philosophy – enjoy the weirdos, just so long as you don’t get too close.

I thought ‘what the hey’ – for kicks I’d ask him the worse question possible. It might spark something bearable.

“Tell me about your stressful life man .. it sounds like in might be interesting”. I said the words while mostly stifling my always there, pessimistic inner sarcasm.

“Ok you asked for it Matinski! – I am a hedge fund manager – my portfolio is businesses with at least 10 million to invest – let’s just say I grill only the big cheeses”.

He said the words proudly & was cocksure in his body language. I decided to ask the next boring question that his highly inflated ego probably wanted me to ask.

“Man, I guess that would be stressful – knowing you could lose a bunch of someone else’s money & maybe lead them to bankruptcy along the way”.

I heard myself speak & cringed a little.

“Yep – & all at the click of a button! Did you know Iast week I lost 137 billion dollars for a leading bank? 137 billion! What ya think of that?”

Impressed, I immediately made the ‘wow that’s big’ whistling sound.

“Shit – that’s massive! Did you get fired?” I said like a school boy.

“Well, here’s the thing Matinski – each of the hedge fund managers figures are only submitted bi-weekly – so no one knows until next Wednesday – so I figured since I’m toast in nine days, I may as well have a holiday until they find out & fire me. That’s why I’m here! What d’ya reckon, is that a believable story?”

I looked at him closer after he said that – was he telling the truth? As I looked closer beyond his bon vivant mask, he had an erratic look in his eyes. He was sweating a fair amount through his almost shoulder length brown hair. But then I saw sheer terror float into his eyeballs. It was the kind of terror that a man had when his life was totally screwed up & he had lost all power to change his destiny. I decided he was probably telling the truth.

“So Shallowton, looks like you’re facing the axe with probable prison time, eh? What d’ya reckon you get – 5-10 years in a cushy financial crime minimum security facility with good access to a garden bed full of rhododendrons?”.

“Wait a minute Matinski, hold up a little- I said I’d lost a heap of cash – I never said I stole it. What makes you talk like that?”

His eyes narrowed & his look became a glare, & his hunch more pronounced & he rocked back & forth a little.

“Well, Shallowton – you show me a guy who loses 137 billion cold hard for his company & does so without any crimes being commited – tell me that & I’ll drink this beer backwards, upside down, pants down with a funnel.”

Sally was listening in & piped up from behind the bar

“Oh no, not again” she said.

My schoolyard-meets-construction-site humour & Sally’s quip had now disarmed Shallowton. A smile slowly eclipsed his glare & his body language relaxed.

“Touche Matinski – you’re no small-town dummy, I like ya, I like ya!”. As he said that he reached over & slapped my back far too hard.

“Man that Einstein’s” I said feeling the pain of the whack.

“What do ya mean ‘That Einstein’s’?”

“Smarts”. I said.

“Oh I get it, haha. Sorry Matinski I get too carried away sometimes.”

I was interested to know more about this Shallowton fella, so I kept pressing – this was good entertainment & it beat sitting around alone at a bar anyway. I continued.

“So, tell me about this Shallowton – you’ve gotta have some BIG brains to steal 137 bill, it’s gotta be a great story – Oh & don’t worry ’bout me squealing – as if a trades-guy covered in paint in a bar would rat on anyone to the man!”.

I was trying to stroke his ego – this was sure to work with these big-shot corporate townie types. Shallowton didn’t skip a beat & got right into it.

“Well, ok I’ll start at the beginning – our company is one of the biggest hedge funds in the world & we have a special division – it’s has a giant account which is filled to the brim with cash fleeced from mom & pop investors…well I should say we have two accounts – the advertised one which we make sure is squeaky clean – then we have our real account – that one is what’s known in the biz a “finbop” – a financial black-operation”. That’s the stuff we don’t advertise – & for good reason.

“Go on” I say noddingly in order to help him continue to drunkenly divulge the dastardly details.

“In a nutshell, what we do is we put flashy but small offices in the small to medium sized towns in America & sell an investment to simple mom & pop self-employed types – we quote a low risk guaranteed 6.5% return. After we get hundreds of thousands of yeses & signatures from country-wide, we scoop up their hard earnt.”

He took a slug of his Martini & continued

“The money is then funnelled from all the agents on the ground, to me in my office in New York – then the fun begins – I invest in all the fun risky stuff I want, & I get it all leveraged to hell from our legally totally anonymous Swiss unregulated bankers. Oh, I should say that of the 137 billion I lost, 123 billion of it was leveraged debt allocated to us from those Swiss bankers – but that’s just details of course”.

I of course wanted more details so I prodded again.

“Sounds like you’re doing the same stuff that was done it that thing from 2008 – what was it called “The Sub Prime Crisis, The Great Finacial Crisis”

“Well Yeah, basically that’s true Matinski – I was around then & I was amazed the feds never made us change our ways – even though we greedy fools had actually created a new ‘Great Depression’. I couldn’t believe it when all we got was a slap on the wrist & a massive jaw dropping gigantic bailout”

I played dumb & prodded him again with the next question.

“But Shallowton, we never had a Great Depression – they called it “The Great Recession” – a “Great Depression” was never announced”.

It was then Shallowton comically & literally fell off his stool & laughing so loudly & hysterically in his energetic, lanky-stick-insect like fits that raised the eyes of the other few handfuls of actual human ‘bar flies’ interspersed around the large floorspaced, low lighted bar.

“Hahahaha Matinski! Oh Man! I can’t believe it…….hahahhahha – you think that we haven’t been in a Great Depression since 2008? Hahahahahaha I thought you had brains….oh man hahahahahhaha…how can you be so stupid! hahahahahaha”

After a good minute or so Shallowton was still on the ground, sprawled out in the prone position. He looked up at Sally the bartender. Sally gave him a look that said “that’s enough – you’ve had your fun” & he stopped his contrived theatrics & said:

“I need another drink after that excitement – another Martini make it….

Sally the bartender cut him off.

“Let me guess you want it as ‘cold as Antarctica & as fine as a peacock’.”

“You got it man…I mean wo-man” said Shallowton from the floor as he was getting up to return to his barstool. He scrapped it loudly across the ancient floorboards back into position.

Sally made the Martini – the same way as she did for anyone else, & plonked it down unceremoniously. By now Shallowton was back on his seat, happily hunched over.

“Now where were we Matinski…oh yeah you were saying we weren’t put into a Great Depression back in ’08?”.

Shallowton chuckled into his hand again, & coughed to cover it up – he was again in ‘theatrical mode’ – trying to make me look foolish. I think he was just being an asshole – he surely knew I wasn’t that dumb & that I knew we had been in dire financial shit since at least 2008. I piped up showing some teeth.

“Shallowton you moron! Of course, I knew we were in an undeclared ‘Great Depression’ – anyone with half a brain over the age of 40 knows that! – why do you think I dropped out of the corporate world a couple years after 2008 – I couldn’t handle the scam! All that horse-shit we were being asked to eat on the promise it was actually succulent T-bone steak! I knew it was all a scam! All anyone needs to do for proof was to look outside & all the people living in cars these days.

“Matinski” he said oin drawn out fashion – “Sorry Matinski I just wanted be an asshole for a minute…us finance men are assholes, its a job requirement after all! . Ok ok back to the story….ok your question of “how did I do it?”…. so I had all this cash from the mom & pops of small-town America & I inflated the fuck out of it thanks to Switzerland & its legal invisibility cloak it offers to us international finance types.”

“You Bastards!” I interjected with faux surprise & vigour – after all it was nothing I didn’t already know. He ignored my protest, drank another slug & continued.

“So then I just did the ‘business as usual’ move and bought risk assets – the high but not too high-risk stuff – you know like big city mid-rise apartment developments etc. Of course I’d cream it, take 90% of the profit, & then funnel the remaining 10% back to pay off the mom & pops their pip-squeak 6.5% investment. You see Matinski – It was just a garden variety financial scam – what makes me & my lot different is the scale we operate at”.

He took another big Martini slug & continued. A fly buzzed around his head without landing.

“The trick is scale – anyone making massive investments is always green lighted by the authorities. The’re to afraid to do anything else. You know Matinski I think Satan does rule this world – why else would I be allowed to steal & misappropriate billions of dollars of real salt of the earth people – yet a hungry single parent gets done for stealing a loaf of bread so their kid can eat?

“Yeah good point, you may be right. Your ‘scam of scale’ sounds like typical-good-ol’-American legalised financial crime so far man….but, there has to be a BUT coming Shallowton…I know there’s a giant ‘BUT’ – I mean you did end up losing all the money.

Weirdly right then a fly landed on the rim of Shallowton’s Martini – oddly he saw it & just let it be, when he raised the glass for a swig it flew away, & then when he put it down it returned & sucked on a salt speck. I made a mental note – ‘he’s nice to flies but not people’.

“Yeah Matinski – you are right the BUT is coming….the BUT is I became like all the other idiots that get too easy money…I got greedy – with a capital G.”

“But you’re all already greedy as fuck in high finance & investments! What do you mean you got greedy Shallowton?”

“I got superd-dooper drunk-on-power-Machiavelli-on-steroids greedy Matinski – that’s what happens when you get handed a rubber stamp to print money by the so-called regulators – you get bored. When you get bored you get casual, & when you get casual you get lazy, & when you get lazy you seek thrills – & I went to seek big thrills Matinski. Cheap-nasty-low-bellied-American-at-scale-dirty-finance-thrills.”

I was ending my beer – Shallowton obliged for the next one & he yelled out with joy into the air like a coyote howling in the moonlight.

“A fine ale for my new friend Matinski – the greatest listener a bad bad city man can get”

The Bartender Sally again obliged. I started to feel a twinge of guilt – after all I was probably helping him spend the last dregs of his company’s expense account. But the guilt feeling was only fleeting – I mean this story might be a total fabrication. I gulped down that velvety ale, looking forward to the climax of Shallowton’s modern day true-to-life horror story.

“Well, Matinski – do you know what the best investments are these days?” Shallowton belowed.

I thought for a minute or two then answered.

“AI….or should I say, the hardware that’s attached to AI software”. I said it confidently, knowing that one company was currently creaming it after having a near monopoly on the worlds AI chips that the various proprietary owned software ran on.

“Nice guess Matinski – if that was 18 months ago, I would have agreed – but that ships sailed…..No – the AI hardware chips return on Capital is only 88%, which is of course huge if you follow the mainstream financial reporting – but in the ‘finbop’ world that’s sweet fuck all – chicken feed.”

Shallowton then made the chicken squawk sound to underline his point – he even flapped his wings. He continued.

“In the Finbop -World, investors get 200, 300% return as a minimum & the best ones get 1000 to 10,000% all in short time. That’s what scale allows Matinski – scale.”

“I’m listening” I said while nicely feeling the beers effect.

“Matinski – Within the ‘Finbop world’ the best investments are the ones that the crooks deep in the bowels of power sell – one of these crooks is the CIA but there are of course others. They sell Future War Options or as we call it in the business ‘FUWO’s’. It’s pretty simple – all these guys do is scour the world for countries that have dopey leadership, & totally untapped or underused assets. They could be lignite deposits, untapped oil deposits, uranium, already an array of almost-but-not-yet functioning nuke plants, large areas of under-farmed fertile soil. They simply package, securitise, & sell the right to profit from the wanton plunder”

Shallowton took a big breath and an even bigger Martini slug & continued.

“The CIA based investments are not just about physical resources – often it’s a third world population with ‘Culture potential’ – you simply get the already corrupt leaders to sell a ‘contract for culture change’ – a CCC. Then we use the mass media to change the culture so they turn away from traditional family values & start to care about Le Bron James & the NBA -Matinski do you know how much money can be creamed out of 250 million people who love Apple Pie, America & NBA basketball”?

“I can imagine that skullduggery is worth a heap of cold….hard…cash, Shallowton”

I pulled out a $50 dollar note from my wallet, playing along with his penchant for theatrics.

“You ain’t wrong my friend – so that’s what this is – FUWO’s can be investments in the mass brainwashing an entire region or country via buying officials who don’t give a shit about their own people. They will green light your shonky investments, laundering & culture manipulation via ‘color revolutions’. Are ya following me Matinski”? He said like a maths school teacher & I nodded like a half-confused schoolboy. He continued.

“FUWO’s can also be hot wars – like Ukraine now. All hot wars through history have basically been the financial equivalent of a “smash & grab” at a jewellery store. With the chaos involved inside a a hot war there is no easier way to launder & steal assets for profit. No ones asks a thing! No accounting! No regulators! Hot Wars are the perfect crime! That’s what fuels the 1000% – to 10, 000% returns I mentioned. Hot wars are always the triple A plus investment Matinski!”

Shallowton took a big slug of his Martini slammed it down & pointed to the empty glass for a refill from the bartender. He then went to take a leak. Even American hedge fund big shots need to empty their bladders occasionally.

He still hadn’t told me how he lost the 137 billion – he’s been dancing around the question. How did this mofo actually fuck up & lose all that cold fusion level of cash? Did the CIA treasury man get his intel wrong & tell him to invest in the loser of a hot war? Was he just full of shit & this was all a bullshit story from a bored lonely guy?

I wanted answers. He walked back to the bar, dragged his stool forward & immediately started talking.

“So Matinski – I guess you’re wanting to know how it is that I lost 137 Billion instead of winning 137 Billion? I must apologise for my dilly dallying as you guys say”

“Yeah lets get to the crux of it all – my theory is either the CIA nicked your investment or you were accidentilly instructed to bet on the loser of a hot war due to bad intel”.

“Matinski my good fellow -that is the logical guess – but you’re wrong”.

I was waiting for him to continue but he just looked eyes forward at that mirrored booze shelf behind the bar. I looked at the reflection of us two. For a second, I saw what looked like two ‘has beens’. My image was of a strong but physically spent man; his was of a strung out, overly-skinny & looking like looney bin lock-up material – that is, if they still did that these days.

I rubbed my eyes & looked again. Now we somehow looked like half respectable gents – I assumed it was due to cognitive dissonance kicking in – after all we all see what we want to see, don’t we? The truth as they say, probably lay somewhere beteen the two extremes.

I waited five minutes, ten minutes & then twenty minutes for him to tell all – how he lost the billions. But he still just sat there like a sack of spuds sipping a Martini. That damn fly was still buzzing around. I was about to force him to tell the remainder of the story & plead with him not be an asshole, when he suddenly he sprung to action.

I heard a very loud CLAP sound as he killed the roaming fly by slamming his hands together on it. The fly dropped between our two half-drunken vessels. We both left it there – after all this place was a ‘dive bar’. Shallowton wiped his hands on his trouser legs. H then piped up again.

“Matinski – I like you man! You’ve just sat here like an old friend, & I haven’t asked you squat about yourself yet, you must think I’m a real prick? Has anuyone ever told you you are a great listener?”.

“Not really. No Shallowton, I don’t think you’re a real prick – I think you are a ‘figment of my imagination prick’….but despite that – yes, I will tell you a little about myself”.

He was a prick I thought to myself, but as I insinuated earlier, & you will probably agree – assholes are interesting. This is why women love asshole men. I was used to asshole culture anyway. I put that down to my overall tough poverty-stricken-in-a-small-town childhood & also from going to that prison like boarding school called “Chipsome Valley”. Us kids that went to that hellhole were called “Chippies”.

My parents neglectingly sent me to Chipsome boarding school – C.B.S.- for the same reasons all parents do. To avoid having to raise them themselves, & as a by-product they hoped the school would turn out a adult who would end up with a good job that would allow them to be upwardly socially mobile.

How did my poor parents afford to do that? Well, simple thanks to my mother who applied, I won a scholarship to go. At Chipsome we all became assholes. We were bred that way by design. In that jungle the weak died & became walking emotionally dead carcasses, & a more than a few became actually dead carcasses due to the bullying. The strong survived but they themselves became emotionally dead inside & in general configured to be permanently battle scarred adult robots – albeit with good jobs.

Now decades later as an adult, the only difference between me & all the other aging adult ex-boarding schoolers was that I had checked out at the part where I was supposed to cash in. I did it because I got sick of living & working with the same office ex-boarding school assholes in toxic environments. I broke out, I escaped the life-long brainwashed hollow destiny of Chipsome. I had belatedly jumped the prison walls.

Why did I like talking to Shallowton? Because this asshole reminded of a Chipsome created personality. I was intrigued. There was also no long term commitment. In a way I was kind of reminiscing. For the next hour I did the talking. I summed up my life & what brought me here. Shallowton lapped it up & strangely hung on my every word. The conversation finally petered out naturally.

“Matinski – sorry old fella it’s been a great night – but like all ‘fly by nighters’ I must now fly by night. You didn’t expect a guy who just lost $137 Billion to hang around with you too long did you?”

“You have to tell me the rest of the story Shallowton – sit down”. I said with this with faked authority.

This was when I saw the angry side of Shallowton.

“I don’t have to tell you shit Matinski – in fact I’ve told you too much already! Hell if I was like all my dirtbag colleagues I’d be arranging to have you taken out by now!”

At this late point in the night we were both drunk as skunks. We’d been drinking solidly for maybe five hours – no wonder I was a bit testy at his anal retentiveness, his avoidence to ‘tell all’. It was now time for me to show some teeth. I grabbed him by the throat. The bartender Sally didn’t flinch, she’d seen it all before.

“You fucking asshole, TELL ME THE FUCKING REST OF THE STORY SHALLOWTON”

“FUCK YOU MATINSKI! – YOU’LL BLAB YOUR FAT MOUTH ON ME -DON’T YOU GET IT? – I’M ON THE RUN, THAT WHY I’M IN THIS SHITTY DUELING BANJO JOINT OF A TOWN TALKING TO A HAS-BEEN LOSER LIKE YOU”

Then Sally the bartender piped up. She was aided by a fine powerful & beautifully cadenced voice. She’d watched without moving, & now decided that since there was a small chance it could escalate – she’d use her voice.

“HEY ASSHOLES QUIT IT! QUIT IT NOW!!!!” Oh ears rung out at her power. Now she went back to normal volume. “Look – you’ve both been great, don’t ruin it, don’t make me throw both your asses out to the curb. Sit down & have one on the house! You’ve entertained me, the hours have flown by. Let’s call it one for the road shall we gents?”

I released Shallowtons scruff & we took Sally’s advice & both sat back down. She piured both & we watched her in silence. She served them up. We took a few slow but sure slugs, we were now almost completely composed, our anger had floated off into the cosmos. I was resigned to the fact I’d never find out the end of his story or ghow things all tied together. Then Shallowton said this wearilly.

“Ok Ok Matinski – I’ll will tell ya the end of the story. I told you that I had lost $137 Billion dollars. That’s not entirely true. See with money & investments money is not lost – it’s only transferred. What that Gordon Gecko character said in that ‘Wall St’ movie was totally true”.

My ears pricked up, partly becasue ‘Wall St’ was one of my favourite movies. Shallowton took a slug & preened his hair with three fingers for a comb & continued.

“So now you know that that’s true, you can now see that the first Great Depression was a windfall for more than a few of our insiders. Same deal for the 1987 crash & the 2008 crash. These things are arranged – always….always…allways. And now soon thanks to me, & my ‘lost $137 Billion’, a new crash is soon not far away. So me & my real top tier investors sure won’t be the ones left holding the can – they’ll be hold the diamonds. Always..always…always”.

I was dumbfounded – Shallowton sounded like he knew some really high-level stuff – I was now in the camp that he might not be bullshitting. I shut my mouth took another sip with my eyes locked forward & listened ever more intently as Shallowton continued.

“You see Matinski that “lost 137 billion” is tommorrow going to be funnelled into another financial black hole – a totally separate one from the CIA raquet I was running around with. Using this new financial black hole, I will then re-leverage it one hundredfold to 13.7 trillion – around the same as the GDP of China. Then soon I’ll do the same again – & that’s enough to buy all the assets & all the people on Earth. I know what you’re thinking Matinski – you’re may ask yourself how I so easily flip of the CIA & the Swiss Banks & a few ragged Mom & Pop investors of their 1.37 billion, & then hook into another system that then inflates it to 1.37 Zillion dollars & not be assassinated in the process? It’s a good question isn’t it Matinski?”

He took another celebratory big slug.

I was now starting to realise I’d probably been had. Shallowton was now talking like a hollywood meglamaniac with a giant laser aimed at the Whitehouse, all in order to become the singular “World Dictator”. Hell I was half expecting him to start stroking a lap-sitting cat. I felt like a fool to allow my brain to flip flop like this.

He was probably just a typical bum who had been fired for finally flipping out at his shitty run-of-the-mill low paid corporate job. I didn’t say nothing to let him know that I doubted him. We had both just finished the last sip of Sally’s complementary beverages, when Shallowton started up talking again – I could tell this tall story was going to finally reach its inal climax – not that I cared anymore, knowing it was total horse-shit. It was ok, it was all in the name of entertainment. But then Shallowton’s words were pre-interrupted…. Sally the bartender piped up.

“Thank you fella’s, I’m glad we are still all friends, I was worried for a second. See you both maybe tomorrow?”

“Maybe” both I and Shallowton said in accidental unison. We’d somehow become ‘in sync’.

We walked out of the bar into what was now the early light. We stood in the middle of the empty road. there was no traffic at all at that hour. I was gonna say my final goodby when Shallowton beat me to it.

“Nice meeting you Matinski – by the way that story I told you was true – but I never told you the end of it. It’s really simple – I’m a salesman but not of any things made on Earth. I sell Asteroids that are laden with thousands of tons of precious materials. These materials are full of gold, platinum etc but that’s not why they are bought. These asteroids have elements that the Earth’s scientific system has never discovered…. or shall we say they have been allowed to discover.”

Shallowton needed a big breath after trotting those words out far too fast. He took the gasp & followed it with a big, I assume, gin based gulp – this time out of a stainless stell hip flask from his breast pocket.

“So your telling me the Scientists we see on the news & in the papers don’t know jack & are fed back leads in order that the good discoveries are never made? Yep I’d believe it”. Again Shackleton was preaching to the converted here. I’d long knew we average joes were all fed a huge variety of bullshit propaganda all in the name of mass docility & obedience. Shallowton continued.

“Of course that’s how it is fella! The stuff I’m selling that’s inside the space rocks is the key ingredient in space-faring technology that allows a space traveler to shrink opposite ends of the universe down to a simple hop skip & a jump away. now Matinski – we can’t have that for general public use now can we?! Slaves must remain slaves! That’s why I deal in zillions of dollars. I mean come on Matinski, be honest – how much would you pay to have access to an infinite number of habitable worlds that are so good for living & so spectacular that they are akin to visiting heaven!”

I replied somewhat enthusiastically. this was despite my alcohol & late night & middle-age fueled tiredness. lier or not – I like Shallowton’s story, especially now it had a sci-fi element.

“That would sure be worth paying admission to Shallowton! So I now think I’m starting to understand things – you swindle the smartest most criminally evil earthlings in order to raise capital to buy asteroids that turn the entire unknown, mostly untraversed universe into a utopian-elitist-rich-mans playground. The Earthian great unwashed are never the wiser to the travel itself or the advanced propulsion possibilities or the scam to fund it! I suppose along the way you live a very interesting life for yourself”

“Bingo Matinski – Bingo”. . .it’s all about fun….fun glorious fun!” Shackleton again looked very proud of himself but then gre sombre. “It’s a shame normal people on Earth arn’t allowed to have fun these days, but that was the decision that was made & we can’t go back Matinski”.

A thought then flashed into my mind about his asteroids story.

“So what’s the key element called that allows easy intergalactic space travel Sahllowton?”

“We call it Triptipium – but I didn’t tell you that ok Matinski – were not due to tell you guys that till 2071”

A dog starts barking in the distance, then it stops, followed by the dog whining. I guessed its owner had firmly grabbed it by the collar in anger. This stimulated Shallowton’s mind.

“You see Matinski, in order to understand the world, you need to always look for the dog that’s not barking” – you always need to look for the stuff that strangely no ones talking about. That’s where the truth always lies.

“But Shallowton – exactly who is buying these Triptipium filled expensive rocks that allow instantaneous, faster than light & gravity defeating galactic travel. Which evil overlords do you fucking sell this shit too!?”

“Matinski – I never said the travel was instantaneous, but the Lorentz time reduction factor is ninety-nine point nine nine percent. But you are right on the anti-gravity. On the travel time matter – with the particular quantum properties of the elements extracted from these asteroids – you can actually end up being able to travel backwards & forwards in time. But in doing so you use up way too much Triptipium – so we don’t generally use the technology as a time-machine. Pleasure cruises that use efficient affordable nanograms of precious Triptipium are our game. But don’t worry about all that – that’s just details.”

I was getting frustrated as I again felt I was being led down the garden path – or in this case the intergalactic garden path. But I had hung around with this guy for six hours now so I may as well hear the last few seconds of him out. He continued his train of thought.

“Ok Matinski – I promise I’m almost finished. You asked who I sell these things to – well I must admit to you now that I do not actually sell the asteroids – I apologise for the trickery, but in my game you don’t want to tell the whole truth right away – there is always a distinct non-zero chance that someone is not just a simple bartender for example.”

“Yeah, I understand Shallowton – all is forgiven, continue”.

I was now dog-tired & just hoped he would finish talking.

“Thanks, Matinski, you are definitely one hundred percent a great guy. Ok remember I said I am not the seller – so what does that make me? I am the buyer. But it is true that the guy who sells me these valuable asteroids does all those things I talked about earlier – except not on Earth of course. So Matinski, if you are smart you will have a good question for me now, won’t you?”

I did have a good question for Shallowton.

“So, if you are the buyer then you must be able to traverse the Universe as you like, going anywhere, in backwards in time fashion”.

“Go on Matinski, go on” Said Shallowton slowly & with a tinge on arrogance.

“This means you must have access to the advanced tech – the galactic propulsion systems. Once you probably use the only-backwards-in-time-time-machine-slash space-craft, you certainly can’t go back to your home planet – for that would be far to risky a thing to do -after all Einsteins theory of special relativity says you’d arrive millions of years in their future. You’d be a duck out of water & perhaps you’d then be incarcerated by the future Earth rulers, or due to climate change you might arrive in a desert with no oxygen to breath. In short you can’t risk that.”

“Yes Matinski, Yes” Shallowton said pointing at me & speaking in drawn out fashion.

“So Shallowton if your story is not all horse-shit, the fact you are here means that Earth is not your home planet, & you are an Alien being of some discription”

“Yes Yes Correct – and….and?”

“Well then this means you have Earth as your destination – so compared to your home planet before you jumped in the space-craft, you must have seen Earth as some kind of Utopian holiday destination?”

“Well – yes that is true Matinski – you are almost entirely correct – but there is one thing you’re forgetting about”.

“What’s that Shallowton”?

I said the words haltingly as by now my brain was so frazzled I didn’t know what to believe anymore – though I was now swinging back to believing this drunk Alien – I mean you couldn’t honestly make this stuff up. The interlinking of the story elements was too intricate, & it all seemed to ring true.

“Well Matinski, you Earthlings travel, but it’s not all one kind of travel – for example some of you people on Earth take sporting holidays, some take hiking holidays, some swimming holidays & some highly cultured types take restaurant or ballet watching holidays…..do you understand Matinski?

“Of course – yes – so what type of holiday are you on Shallowton? – It seems that you here for the alcohol & cocktail swilling life that Earth caters heartilly for… all at semi affordable prices…especially so at one of the many fly-captivating, dirty dank but delectable…dive bars”.

I could tell Shallowton liked the poetic nature of my words.

“Well, Matinski – we are finally here, I’m so sorry to delay you so much but you see now you know my game the time has come to tell you that I am here for….. food… yes food…& um, well let’s just say we fellows from my part of the Universe are, are protein eaters & not at all vegans or vegetarians.”

“But you drank beer – those hops are vegetables or fruit, one of the two!”

“Yes, but the main sustenance is protein, old Matinski – & well…there’s no easy way to say this…”

Shallowton scratched his actually-now-that-I realised-it, quite oversized head. He then & blinked his now-that-I-realised-it, equally quite oversized eyes. He did actually look like he could be a human-alien hybrid or a humanoid.

I hadn’t noticed these things due to me getting drunker & drunker in that dark dingey pub, but only now that the sun’s early light was around. I would say Shallowton looked 90% Earthling & 10% Alien. That aside I was still annoyed that Shallowton again seemed to be holding back at little on his story. I couldn’t believe it, but I was about to scold an possible Alien intergalactic ruler.

“Fuck it Shallowton – just spit it out man! I’m tired of you stringing this story out damn it!!!” My spittle flew into his one meter away face. He wiped it away nonchalently.

“Ok Ok…..I’ll tell ya the plain cold ugly truth……I eat Human’s Matinski…..I & my kind eat Human beings, & that’s the main reason I & the others are here this week. ..you Homo Sapiens are the tastiest thing in the whole Milkey Way – you are even crispier than those fat little chubby humanoids nearby on the Scutum-Centaurus arm. You’re far tangy-er that the tall slim bald ones over in the Trappist star system – take it from me Matinski – food-wise you Homo Sapiens are to die for. On top of that there are so many of you. When I come here I’m like a fat kid in a overly stocked candy store”.

I couldn’t believe I was about to ask this question, but I did anyway.

“Shallowton – you’re not going to eat me are you?”

With that Shallowton did what he was good at – he hit the ground laughing, rolling around theatrically, waving his arms and making one hell of a racket. Luckily it was still only five in the morning so no one cared or was around to raise alarm. Eventually Shallowton got up & stared me square in the eyes.

“Matinski”

“Yes Shallowton?”

“I only eat Female Homo Sapiens – sorry but you ‘Males’ taste like crap – far to gamey – I mean most of you spend your lives lifting heavy things, running around, digging holes banging in nails! I mean your meat is what you earthlings call ‘too gamey’. No no no I prefer the succulent juicy females – overall not gamey at all, they mostly relax & do work where they hardly move around much at all – I think you Earthlings call it ‘office work’ – am I correct Matinski – office work?”

Finally, I had all of Shallowton’s wild story. I decided to, for now, block out its implications. With that there was only one or should I say two things to say.

“Yep, the ladies do a lot of office work that’s correct – I’m sure they would be less gamey that the males. Now lets finally call it a night. Thanks for the tall but maybe true stories, & I’ll see you tomorrow at the Bar Shallowton”.

Shallowton said nothing else, he looked a little miffed that I half suggested his wild words might all be just a drunks ramblings – albeit a very creative drunk’s ramblings.

I walked one way, & l thanked my lucky stars when I saw Shallowton walk in drunken zig-zag fashion in the opposite direction. When soon my head hit my pillow, I allowed myself one final thought.

“Wow what a night – this is why I still drink regularly at age forty-six, some boozy nights you strike a big nugget”.

Three months have past by & I haven’t seen that very strange out-of-towner named Shallowton again. But it is worth mentioning these strange things that all happened in quick-step time after his absence:

After about a weeks break , I turned up to Buzzy’s Bar. It was of course the same as it had always been – except there was a male bartender serving instead of Sally. Sally had been there twenty years, & she was part of the furniture – so she was part of my psychic furniture too.

I thought it strange she wasn’t there, but I didn’t think any more of it. Some questions in life are better left unasked. Most unasked questions are soon answered after the flow of time. I wasn’t worried. This was until I saw her face & name posted on a lamp post with the words “Missing Person”. A ridiculous thought entered my mind – did Shallowton eat her??. I chided myself for the thought.

I went about my normal life’s routines – painted fences, ripped up weeds & banged in a few nails. I was happy enough doing it, as I had been for a decade – it allowed survival & a simpler life.

About a couple of weeks after last seeing Shackleton there was big news about the DOW sharemarket index – it had tumbled 39% in one day, sparked by news that a Swiss bank – one of a three key Swiss banks that bankroll the big four US investment houses – had collapsed.

That same day I opened up a financial news web page to read more about the big fall in the DOW it & one sentence made my blood run cold. The headline said this

DOW DOWN 39% ON FEARS FROM SWISS BANK FAILIURE STEMMING FROM TOXIC USD 123 BILION LOAN

What were the chances of the toxic debt being the exact amount Shallowton had said he had taken out as a loan for his shonky financial fraud dealings to leverage the hell out of & eventully buy those fancy asteroids to use for intergalactic pleasure cruises? All in order to come to planets like Earth to barbeque its female-gendered inhabitants? I told myself over & over that it surely couldn’t be true. Yes truth is always stranger than fiction – but come on!

The thing that finally made me realise the truth about Shallowton was when the next-days front page news said this:

CIA SAYS THEY HAVE CAPTURED A VERY TALL ALIEN BEING WHO CALLS HIMSELF ‘SHALLOWTON’ WHO SAYS HE IS HERE ON APLEASURE CRUISE INTERGALACTIC HOLIDAY TO EAT SUCCULANT NON GAMEY TASTING FEMALE HOMO SAPIENS

That was when I knew Shallowton was just as I had guessed from my first impressions of him at Buzzy’s Dive Bar: he was a freewheeling, well-dressed, silver-tongued devil – a big town blow in kinda, guy who I probably couldn’t trust. A liar, a charletan.

I mean the CIA manicured headline said it all – as if I was going to believe the CIA – I mean these were the same guys that killed Kennedy?! If they were peddling it – I knew it was simple disinformation.

There was wall to wall coverage of it all, with the relevant official talking heads all saying it was indeed bone fide. The story was so whack & the populace so twentyfirst century jaded that the public like me also just figured it was yet another shadow govt deep state disnformation campaign. I mean to me the main proof was that It wasn’t as if suddenly half the females were dissapearing.

But then pretty soon the joke was on all us Earthian doubters, the worlds females did start dissapearing. On top of that it became commenplace to see a swoosh of light approach a young female from above, followed by a blood curdling scream. immediately after that had happened, all that was left was there clothes in a heap all covered in blood.

Also the reports all showed that the dead were all exclusively office workers. Female tradesmen & agricultural workers around trhe world were all totally untouched. The older women & female children were also all totally spared from devouration – but the eighteen to thirty age group of urban office workers were all decimated in but a week in Shallowton & co’s alien feeding frenzy pleasure cruise.

After the global mega-shock of all the targeted killings, the worse was suddenly over – soon the economy, unemployment, the sharemarket, the mass cultural shock of it all had fallen to it’s worst. Now things started slowly to improve. Now you only heard occasional reports of the killings. They were now only picked off here & there. The feeding frenzy had changed to a light occaisional picnic.

Earth’s people got used to it all & the new ways of life was all normalised. The sharemarket started to climb again, the jobs market improved with the mostly forty plus unemployed men now needed to replace the alien-consumed-office-females lost.

Yes it’s true that Human beings suck – but with their backs against the wall they are as plucky as desert rats or dive bar flies. I took all the shit in my stride – Bu now I had long lost all mental energy that would be needed to freak out anyway.

Around that time, I walked into Buzzy’s. Through the madness I’d helped it stay open, along with a few other old bar flies – thanks mainly to all the stress filled commiseration drinking. But would you believe it? – Sally was behind the Bar pouring beers. I literally fell over in shock. I was sure she’d been chomped.

We hugged & talked. She told me that she had simply gone on giant off grid road trip without telling anyone or taking her phone. She’d missed ninety percent of the five months of madness the Earth & she had the insanely out-of-this world good luck to return now things were settling down. It was almos too lucky to believe her.

I was understandably over-the-moon happy that her life & thus our partial but real low key relationship was in tact. Sally was alive – that was all that really mattered to an aging-broken lonely-bar-fly like myself, as sad as that seems. Yes, she was the most amazing probably slightly ‘too gamey’, thirty-one-year-old woman around. I started the usual opening line in celebration & she played along heartily.

“Yo Sally!

“Yo Matinski you Ol’ Bastard”

“Lady Sally What’s a fine out-of-this-world girl like you doing in a place like this”

“Matinski you old asshole! I’m here for one reason & one reason only: Killing is my business & business is good”.

“So long as I only die slowly with a smile on my dial, Sally”

“That’s a Deal Matinski”.

Our little routine somehow now had a little more gravitas this time.

That same night a tall lanky well-dressed out-of town looking guy sat a few bar stools away from me & ordered a Martini without fanfare. Sally served it without a word. We nodded quietly to acknowledge each other but made sure to ourselves.

After all – there was nothing more to be said. We all knew the ‘War’ was over & it was time to enjoy the peace. Why rake over old coals? Or Zillion-dollar, black-market, Triptium laden, space-travel-providing asteroids for that matter.

After all the upheaval Earth had seen, everyone knew we’d have to learn to ‘love the alien’ – so long as their ‘chomping’ was in line with the Paris Peace Treaty that had recently been hammered out between the very trustable, stand up, totally uncorrupted Earthian leaders & Shallowton’s Intergalactic lot. I told myself surely nothing could go wrong from here on in.

For all us Earthian average joe slave-class ones, cognitive dissonance was now our best bet, along with dirty glassed beers from the millions of fly ridden dive bars around the world of course. This simple mind trick allowed us all to ‘enjoy the peace’…for a while.

Sally gave me some beer nuts, they were the imported german ones I didn’t like. I ate one – weirdly it tasted good. I scoffed the rest down greedily. I guess my palatte had changed over the last few months.

THE END

“The Ballad of The Overpriced Shandy” (A Poem)

And So To the Nearby-Bar-In-The-Other-Town I Did Go,

In My Trusty ‘Horseless Carriage’.

Also known as its shortened name – a “Car”

This Is a regular saturday jaunt of mine,

I go from a one-horse-town,

To another one-horse-town.

Or perhaps I should update the phrase & say “I went to a one-car-town”.

These are mostly Shandy, Books & Coffee & Boob-watching trips –

& by ‘Boobs’ I unfortunately mean the ‘people’ kind.

Yes, most people suck, but occasionally you get lucky.

So, this particular time I sling into the usual regular bar –

a slightly old fashioned working mans bar, but owned by recent immigrants.

The two bartenders that are there are damned good guys,

Guys that you know have a real heart beating in their chests.

But the boss is too – let’s just say his vibe doesn’t fill me with confidence.

The good boys at the bar usually give me a good & fair shandy price,

But I make a mistake & ask the owner for the same drink.

He gives me the usual inflated price.

I tell him it’s too expensive –

I say “I usually get it for Six Fifty – surely you can’t charge me the same for a full beer”

I add that he doesn’t pay excise tax on the half of the glass that is lemonade.

The owner looks at ‘good guy one’ next to his shoulder and asks “what do you charge”

‘Good guy number one’ agrees & says “Six Fifty”.

So, the owner, backed into a corner backs down @ gives me my usual Six Fifty price shandy.

Five minutes later I order from the Boss again.

He rings up Eight dollars.

I say “what gives”,

He simply ignores good grace & says “it’s Eight Dollars”.

I regrettibly cough up – with the half protest of raising my hands up in the air while saying “ok ok”.

He pours it, I take it, I drink it.

I thought to myself “I’m probably not coming back next time”.

I found it amazing that the owner was willing to lose a regular customer,

Just to save the one & a half dollars of an overpriced shandy.

That owner boob only valued my regular custom at $1.50.

I paid it anyway & drank it & left.

After I left, I thought about not coming back,

Then I felt extra sorry for those two good guys behind the bar.

I thought to myself “I really should help them get new jobs”.

As I left the stormy day suddenly turned sunny & drove home.

I thought to myself

“If only there were more bars in one-horse-towns”.

Then my actions could have a chance to live up to my principles & intensions.

Yes Siree! You sure give up a lot when drinking overpriced shandys in one-horse-towns.

“Congratulations I’ve Been Admitted to the Bar” (A Poem)

by Martin Anton Smith martinantonsmith@gmail.com

Today I Was Admitted To The Bar

This Was A Great Achievement

That I Had Put So Much Effort Into

What’s That?

Oh My Fine Rare As Hen’s Teeth Reader

You Think I Become A Lawyer?

You – If You Are The Stock Standard “Nouveau Riche” Person

Think I Am Now A “Success”

Because I’m A “Lawyer”?

And My Future Is One Of

Dinner Parties Where Everyone Says The Exact Same Thing?

A Nice House On The Hill?

A Sham Marriage?

With A Wife That Hates Me?

All The Anti-Depressant’s The Doc Can Shambolically Dispense?

A Flash Car?

A Mutual Fund Portfolio Managed By A Glorified Scammer?

Called A “Financial Planner” Or “Sharebroker”?

With 2.3 Kids at “Private School” & A Dog & an Audi Or BMW Or A Mercedes??

Oh No No No No!

That Will Not Do!

You Couldn’t Be More Mistaken!

I Would Never Involve Myself With Such A Unbridled Shit-Show!

To Put It Quite Plainly

Let Me Clarify:

I said I was “Admitted To The Bar”

This is slightly wrong

I Was “Re-admitted To The Bar”

Not The Lawyer Regulatory Kind But The Selling Alcohol Kind.

I Had Been Barred From The Dive Bar

For Loutish Behaviour

And Having Served My Week On the Side

Barman Sammy Simmons Called Me And Said

“Congratulations Barney – You Have Been Re-admitted To The Bar”

I Was Free To Again Drink With The Schmoes

And Tell Wild Untrue Stories Of My Many Glories

My Car Sucks, It Backfires, Breaks Down & Is Rusty

I Had A Wife But She Was Toothless & She Split

Across Many, Many State Lines,

Far Too Numerous To Count.

I Have 5.2 Kids Out There, To 3.7 One Night Stands

I Live in A Decrepit Boarding House,

Which Will One Day Get Flooded/Burnt Down/Red Stickered,

As It Is Not Situated On A Hill In Those “Leafy Green Suburbs”.

Society Calls Me A “Bum” A “Loser” A “Drunk” Or A “Fool”

But No Matter How Bad My Life Seems To Be

I’d Never Be Stupid Enough To Want To

“Admitted To The Bar”

Of The Lawyerly False Glory Kind.

How Can Anyone Do That?

I Could Never Live In That Charade,

For Even One Month,

Let Alone The 2 to 5 Decades

That Those Brainwashed Faux Elite Subject Themselves To.

The Stress Of Keeping Up Those Appearances,

I Something I Wouldn’t Wish on My Worse Enemy.

There Are Probably Some Good Lawyers Out There,

But I Haven’t Met One In Fifty Odd Years

& Yes You Are Correct – Those Years Have Indeed Been “Odd”

The “Good Lawyers” – If Indeed they Exist AT ALL

Must Be Very Good At Hiding.

I’ll Stay A “Working Class Hero”,

Even If I Am A Wannabe One,

& Pull Up My Bar Stool,

& Tell Of The Glory Days

To The Gang.

We Will Belch, Fart & Yell Loudly,

But Not Neccesarily In That Order.

At Least We Know We Are “Losers”

But At Least We Produce Real Stuff

Like Waratahs, Wire, Dug Ditches & Customized Trucks,

Our Habitat Is In Shipyards, Sheds & The Outdoors

We Make Real Goods In What Is Called The “Real Economy”

Our Goods Are Essential, Non-Speculative, Tangible, Non Parasitic.

Stuff that Builds Great Stable & Flourishing Economies & Societies.

So – We Are Not “Losers” At All

Unlike Those Snooty Lawyers

Who Only Create Limitless Factory Issue Units Of Misery

& Spread It Around The World (Like A Virus).

Yes, We Can Be Bad – But We Ain’t Ever THAT BAD.

And When World War Three Finally Breaks

Our Younger Ones Will Win It – Like Always.

Ok I’m Now Off To Be “Re-Admitted To the Bar”

Thank you For Your Time

After All -You Could Have Been Doing So Many Other Things

Such As Drinking At A Bar Or Ringing A Divorce Lawyer

Or Something Else In-Between Those Two Spectrums

Accidental Free Beer In Cromwell Town

He Was At The Betting Terminals

He Was A Small Older Man

A Tradesman Most Likely

Wearing Fluro Garb

Who Looked Well Beaten By

40 Years & A Million Kgs Of Bricks & Morter

The Gambling Machine Wouldn’t Work

So He Couldn’t Place The Bet

I Was Sitting At The Bar On A Water

Soaking It All In

He Took His Un-drank Bottle

Up To The Barmen To Complain

“The Bet Machine Don’t Work”

“Sorry It Will Be Fixed In An Hour”

“Not Good Enough – I’m Off To Alexandra Town “

& Someone Else Can Have The Untouched Beer”

He Slammed The Oversized Bottle Down.

He About Turned & Brusquely Left

The Old Fella Took It All Too Personally

There Was A Moments Awkward Silence

Then, Taking my Opportunity

I Said To The Barman,

While Pointing To the Vessel

“Can I Have That”

“Sure – Go Ahead”

I Thought About The Irony & Then Spoke

“Its Kinda Funny – He Was Gambling Man

& He Couldn’t Place A Bet,

So He Left In A Huff

Yet He Still Ended Up Losing His Beer To Me,

A Guy Who Wasn’t Gambling At All –

So HE Was Still Gambling – But He Just Didn’t Know It”

The Barman Laughed Heartily.

Despite The Night Being Overall Quite Dull

Because Of The Free Beer Incident

I Took the Night As A Win

And Yes – The Beer Tasted Better Than Usual

And I Wondered If The Same Thing Happened

In Alexandra Town Later That Same Night

But I Very Much Doubt

Another Secondary Poem Was Produced

By Some Other Parallel Poet Wonk Like Me

But I’d More Than Love It If It Did.

“Re-Admitted To the Bar” (A Poem)

by martin anton smith martinantonsmith@gmail.com

I Am Happy To Announce I Have Been “Admitted To the Bar” –

This Made Me Very Happy,

I Worked Hard To Achieve This,

I Did Much Study Of ‘Persuasion’ To Get Where I Am –

Which Is The third Bar Stool From The Right,

With a Pint Of Guiness In Each Hand.

Last Week’s Antics Are Well Forgiven.

As All ‘Brushes With the Law’ Should So Be.

And Though It Is Now Midnight,

I Say These Words With Great Sincerity,

And Though My Words Are Now a Slur,

And My Gait Is Sinusoidal,

I Contend That the Barman Serves Far Too Slow,

How Dare He Not Give Me a ‘Big Bot’ To Go?’

Time Is Now Swiftly Advancing

I Am Now Sad To Admit,

That It Is 3 AM, & I Am Well Lit!

I Am Clutched Under The Bouncer’s Arm,

Nestled Just Bellow Of His Tit.

As My Face Squarely Hits The Door,

I shout a fine ca – caw

“But I only wanted just one more”

Now The Ringing Words My Ears ‘Cherry Pick’:

“Your Banned Joe –

& Don’t Come Back Next Week”

“Oh No Not Again”, I Peeped.

As a Member of the LLB,

Or ‘Liquid Losers & Bums’

I Have Sadly Once Again Been Disbarred.

But Just As the World ‘Hates a Drunk’

Equally Soon Does Capitalism Give In,

All Booze Baron’s Worship

The Crumpled But Almighty ‘Slur Shekel’.

So Now I Do Plan My Standard Standup Speech

“Yes Lads!, ‘Scooner or Later’ I Hope To Announce

To You My Fellow Leaning Sozzles of the LLB!

Well I’ll Be! – I’ve Been Re-Admitted To The Bar”

“Remembering The Old Working-Class Bar” (A Poem)

I was 22 years Old

And behind the Bar.

A working-class bar where the old coots give you shit.

The more they drink the more confidant they get.

The jokes were always bad.

The couple owners were old close to retirement,

and the tough as boots old lady had an eagle eye at all times.

My first week she told me to the dairy go next door for a “long weight”,

I fell for it like a total boob.

The old man was a classic old time slow grafter,

who occasionally when drunk propositioned and squeezed the female bar staff.

He did it to the lady that ended up lifting his cash from him.

I guess that’s why she allowed it.

There was the devil eyed nasty alcoholic teacher lady,

Who took a disliking to me,

I assume it was because at the time I looked far too much ”young anglo male’,

And she probably deep down wanted to be one too.

Or she was probably just a garden variety mad as hell teacher who hated herself.

There was my manager was 36 and partied every night,

I couldn’t keep up with him, I tried for a week.

There was the old Naval Hero who was the cook,

A sneaky old coot that tried to push me around.

if 3 people ordered a meal at the same time he panicked,

much like a MGM cartoon character about to be blown up.

The joint was laden with smoke from cigarette smokers,

That second hand smoke annoyed the hell outa me.

There were the gamblers at the pokie machines,

They sadly played pushing the button time after time,

desperately hoping for “free spins”.

If I only had a pint of beer for every time a Jackpot winner said:

“Thank god I can pay the electric bill now”,

I’d never pay for a beer again.

There was the dopey musclehead who had a too decent Japanese wife,

He was running around behind her back with some drunkard whore.

One day a tough guy came in and threatened us behind the bar,

the musclehead cowered despite his muscles,

He was still the weak bullied kid in his mind.

There was the punter with ginger beard double denim & cowboy hat a wannabe “outlaw”,

he gave me a lot of shit, then one day I gave him two barrels back,

Which drew hoops and claps from the gallery.

The Pub’s suburb was the same one my Paternal Grandad, (Father as a kid) & Great Grandfather had lived in,

some 35 years later.

The Grandfather was a Drunk – and here I was serving his type.

I didn’t think much of that but the older I got the spookier I thought of it.

When the Rugby was on it was packed out,

Any ‘hospo’ worker knows how hard a job it is when a bar’s packed out.

No one gives Hospo workers credit – how bizarre!

They allow people to blow off steam, take a tone of crap & feed people,

That’s an important job if you ask me.

One day the owners sold out & retired.

The option was given to stay on with the new owners,

no one wanted to do it, including me.

It must have been an alright time.

That reminds me, I had a fling with a customer the red head student teacher once,

She wasn’t a supermodel, but I was male & 23,

23 yr old males don’t say know to a “free meal”.

Why are Teachers so horny? Is it the stress of their jobs?

It was twenty years ago now, and I still remember those years well.

I went back to the Bar a few months ago,

A few changes but roughly the same.

I saw a few wooden seats that were the exact same seats.

I ordered a coke so as not to seem odd.

It would have been nice to see an old face – alas there was none.

I wondered how many of those lovable old coots had passed.

RIP to all those old coots of that Chatty Bar in New Brighton Christchurch, NZ.

I still remember ya’s.