by Anton Martin Smith antonmartinsmithwrites or martinantonsmith@gmail.com

(i) Writers Often Feel Like A Guilty Child

Everyone has heard of ‘Writer’s Block’.

But what about ‘Writers Guilt’?.

That’s actually far more common.

It’s the kind of Guilt that looks like this.

Guilt about writing too many ‘stock’ short pieces.

Guilt about sounding like a ‘broken record’.

Guilt about not doing longer interesting pieces like short stories, novellas etc.

Guilt that you are actually just an overgrown fourteen year old fantasising about be a writer.

Guilt about being afraid to push yourself into the world sufficiently.

Of course I know this is not exclusive to the profession of ‘writing’.

(Well – I mean the ‘artistic-quasi-profession fusion’ that ‘good creative writing’ is).

I mean an architect would feel the same way about building design, a painter about painting ideas.

I guess it’s guilt about not having any good ideas, about being a ‘yesterday’s man’.

(ii) Most Writers Don’t Admit That They Could Also Be Rank Materialists

Of course at base it’s not a healthy thing at all.

Your self esteem should not be based on what are really just materialistic things.

I mean writing a book and really wanting accolades is rank materialism –

Even though artistic people see it differently that the guy who wants a mega-mansion –

But as I became older & wiser I realised the separation in the writer/artists mind is illusionary.

For the artist/writer who takes himself somewhat seriously is of the phylia of the ‘intellectual’.

An intellectually is simply a materialist with the materialism being about ‘ideas’ instead of a BMW.

And even though I know this to be true my writer’s mind rallies against it.

“No new original ideas are not like a shiny new bmw”.

But it’s all just the echoes of cognitive dissonance –

The writer-intellectual simply cannot bare the thought that they are at base in the phyla of ‘materialism’.

It is indeed a bitter pill to swallow.

Perhaps the best writers have swallowed it after seeing it sitting on their bed-stands for so long.

It didn’t kill them and it made them stronger.

We writers only think it’s not ‘materialism’ because we’ve defined our identities as writers.

This is often in secret of course – we are still embarrassed to call ourselves writers.

It’s far to pretentious a thing to say for most societies – unless you’re American.

And that’s why most backward societies get the worst people write their bad books.

Bad books that everyone pretends are good.

(iii) America Uniquely Sees And Accepts ‘Outsiders Who Write’

I contend America has a lot less of that – because they still allow a poor guy to call himself a writer.

It’s why America still has some of the greatest truth telling modern writers.

In America it’s now more than ok to write about the gutters.

It’s why that ‘San Padro Poet of the Gutters’ (Bukowski) had to be born in the USA.

It most countries people still read what the trust fund babies tell them is good.

I’m not saying that doesn’t also happen in the USA – but there’s also the rebel publishing movement.

Where a poor white trash guy with a shit factory job can write about his grit-life,

And someone see past his hang dog expression and alcoholic breath.

And have the ball to publish his truth.

Outside America I don’t think there’s the confidence to do that.

(iv) But Maybe A Few ‘Truth Seeking Writers’ Are Not Rank Materialists?

Excuse the American detour – I will return to the main theme.

Of course – I will now add a quick rebuttal to the thesis of writer’s ‘simply being materialists’.

The rebuttal is the good literature seeking writer or poet is seeking to ‘hold a mirror up to society’;

He (or she) really is seeking the Truth with a capital T.

This is I believe an a-priori non-materialistic quality inherent in the universe.

The wall street guy scamming low IQ investors and buying a new bmw and a mansion –

Is not of the same ilk at all, and no one of sound mind would disagree with that.

Of course the non-literature type of writer may not be seeking the Truth at all.

They may be simply writing rank propaganda for quick cash.

That is indeed your ‘shiny bmw writer’, yes.

A writer of rank materialism, yes.

(v) Fascists/Marxists Want Order But End Up Burning The Best Books

I’ll leave it to the writer (or non writer) to decide which angle is right.

I mean perhaps the ‘seeking of Truth’ and ‘holding a mirror up to society’ is materialistic.

If you believed that ‘chaos reigning supreme’ was good, then this would be your assessment.

Perhaps this is why the so called ‘subversive’ books are always burnt by the Fascists and Marxists.

Perhaps they don’t know it but when they ‘burn the books’ it is really chaos they seek not order.

Of course they will say they are clearing degeneracy and destroying to rebuild better.

And the is a lot of degeneracy in print and art out there – they are right on that.

But they are foolish to think that they know where to ‘draw the line’ between Filth and Truth –

The Fascist/Marxist cannot help but throw the baby out with the bathwater.

It is always the way.

Self censorship is always the way.

(vi) Summary, Synthesis and Perhaps It’s More Faith We Need.

I hope you enjoyed this digressional prose.

I’m still feeling guilty about not writing longer fiction.

And as a result I am writing things like these.

Oh well – at least I don’t have ‘writers block’.

And perhaps I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

It might just be seasonal -the weather is approaching summer.

Everyone knows productive writing is always best in cold climes.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

But who that aspires to do anything good or great doesn’t have to be that way?

And right now as I say that last line back I am sayign to myself:

Oh – that sounded very shamelessly materialistic didn’t it?

But then again it is true that at base I am currently made of material.

So while we walk this earth,

By definition no man or woman can be ‘one hundred percent non-materialistic’ anyway.

So it’s ok that we are thoroughly imperfect in our earthly seekings.

Perhaps the intellectuals feel of ‘being materialistic’ is both a good and bad thing –

Depending of course on the degree of it all.

But whatever the case – he should also never through himself out with his own bathwater.

For that would be akin to the complete self-hatred of the Fascist/Marxist.

For once you get rid of all the available food,

The only option is to devour your own and then yourself.

I guess considering all the words above this is why someone also invented the idea of Faith.

Because no matter how hard a mouse thinks of eating the moon that’s also made of cheese –

He’ll never be able to build a machine to get there anyway.

And even if he could – he’d feel a fool for landing on a glorified dust bowl,

And not a cheese wheel.

Faith is what stops you from intellectual folly.

And If I’d have had more faith in myself as a writer an hour ago I wouldn’t have started this piece.

I would have faith that the spark wasn’t gone.

So it’s just as well I didn’t I guess.

After all for practical reasons I have told myself I need to post twice weekly and all else will come.

This is the ‘systems are better that goals’ thesis.

You gotta have faith in the system until it falls over of course.

But does a man throwing himself out with his own bathwater see his house is in ruins?

I am not so sure of that.

(vi) Addendum

I will end this piece with nothing fully resolved and none the wiser.

Just like all the most entertaining conspiracy theories have always been.

Now this ‘blurry photo’ of prose must finally belatedly disappear.

But at least my ‘Rabbiting On’ is consistent in my prose pieces.

But I must throw myself to my glass of ‘Bathwater ’26’.

After all – I believe in the (modified sailers) adage:

“With dirty water everywhere why can’t this writer have his drink?”.