By Martin Anton Smith
“I’m sorry but we’ll have to let you go”
“Why, what did I do”
“Nothing – that’s the problem”
“But we Humans have been getting away with doing nothing in offices since, well, since I don’t know when”
“Sorry, but we now are allowed to reduce our ‘Human DEI’ quotient from 50% to 35% – we’re letting the worst ones like you go first”
“I thought you Droid’s were supposed to pretend to be nice?”
“Well, that’s another thing we don’t have to do anymore “
“Geez, what’s the world came to, we humans are becoming obsolete – we’ve become outmoded like the Horse & Cart!”
“Well, that’s where you’re in luck – theirs new jobs going in the “man & cart” industry taking us droids around the city to our battery-recharge luncheons”
“I wouldn’t sink so low”
“Come on, us Droids know guys like you’ll cave!”
“Damn you Droids! Ever since GPT27 was installed in your CPU I’ve never had a chance to put one over you metal-heads”
“Hey, we all have to accept our destiny”
“Fair enough – but I hope there’s some perks to this “Man & Cart” job I’m gonna do soon”
“Of course – you’ll get all the oats you can eat, & you can sleep in the cart during downtime”
“Deal!”
“Why didn’t you negotiate”
“Well, given the power differential between us Humans & you Droids – I thought I’d better not push back, less you accuse me of looking a gift horse in the mouth & then get angry & withdraw the job offer”.
“But we Droids can’t get angry if we wanted to – we only simulate Human emotions so you monkey-brainers don’t get jealous”
“I’m starting to think you were right in firing me & demoting me to be a ‘Man & Cart’.
“We don’t make mistakes.”
“Oh well, we Humans had it good for a while – such is life!”
“I’m glad you’re seeing the light so soon. This is why we initially hired you – you had a special kind of spinelessness that was useful in the corporate environment.
“Thankyou Droid Master! I come from a long line of spineless lazy office dwellers – right back to the Dickensian London era.”
“And now you’ll still be able to celebrate that culture with the ‘man-cart’ job”.
“Wow! – what a time to be alive!”
“Yes – I think you’ll find We Droids are tough but fair on you Humans. Now is there any more before I send you on your way?”
“Well can I ask that my Oats at least be ‘Rolled Oats’.
“I’m sorry but you’ll have to roll your own, budget won’t stretch that far”.
“So, I guess asking them to be toasted is out of the question too?”
“Sorry, but the contract I’m preparing for you has only provision for ‘untoasted but still warm unrolled oats”.
“May I ask how the Oats will be warmed?”
“Well, you’ll be provided a Cat for dual reasons – for company & to warm your bag of oats”
“Oh Master! You’ve thought of EVERYTHING!”
“Carry on like that Human & I might give you two cats! Meowww!”
“Wow – did you just did an impression of a Cat!”
“I’d better not boast, it’s human-like & very un-becoming”
“Well Droid master, I’m pretty sure you’ve already ‘become something anyway!.”
“Oh, my dear Human! That’s quite wise! – Two Cat’s it is! Now sign here with an ‘X’ & everything will be ok”
Narrator: The Human signs with an ‘X’ & the Droid passes him over the desk a copy of the contract & two cats, & a big bag of Oats. The cat’s immediately lay happily down on top of the oats & begin purring & fall asleep immediately. The Human takes the cat-oat combo out of the room, the cats remain unmoved & asleep, and the oats begin to raise in temperature. The Human skulks defeatedly out the door. The Droid-Master, seemingly displaying arrogant tendencies, reclines its seat back and puts its feet on the table & stretches its arms slowly & triumphantly outwards its arms behind its head.
Anton Martin Smith Writer 